Found porn use and questionable websites on DS16 phone

[TeenOnlineUse]

Need some advice, single Mom, one DS16. He’s honestly just a bloody wonderful kid, kind, funny, hardworking, exceptionally bright, engaged with lots of civic duty stuff, family life.

For clarity, DS has had a phone since he started secondary, always completely monitored and securely locked down by me on my phone with regular random checks here and there. Never any issues. Was not allowed social media of any kind, except WhatsApp, until this year, despite lots of protestations.

But tonight I got a notification that a screen time password has been used. I’ll hold my hands up and say since he turned 16 and I allowed social media on devices I’ve become lax and opened up the restrictions and screen time limits, not been checking his phone. But it was 1am and I thought he was asleep so I went digging and searched through the website history I could see on my phone.

He’s used a website called Y99.in quite a bit over the last few weeks, at most 40mins at a time. There’s a few visits to pornhub, jerkmatelive and he has a private browser called Brave installed which has a lot of screen time logged. I don’t know what he’s using that for.

Honestly I’m gutted. I guess it’s not surprising given it’s literally there at their fingertips but I should have been monitoring closer.

I turned the app restrictions to 0 for each of these sites and then I started getting Google alerts that he was trying to change the web tracking settings (I have Google family set up as well, but again, after he turned 16 I loosed the restrictions). So I knew he was awake.

I’ve just gone into his room, he pretended to be asleep. I told him to give me his phone and laptop, he handed them over along with the passcodes and I left the room with them.

I’m not really sure what to do now. Do I search both devices I full? How do I talk to him about this? I’m very forward and open with him but I want to handle this the right way. When exactly do we stop monitoring online use and trust them? Didn’t think I’d be lost in this situation, and maybe I’m just tired, but I’m not sure what to do now.

I think you need to separate these issues.

Chat rooms- completely unsafe, even though legally he could meet up with these people in real life and have sex with them, it is still risky if he isn’t 100% careful. This is worth another conversation about being safe online and your concerns for him without letting your emotions take over.

Pornography- not ideal but everyone has different views on it. Just because you have told him how you feel about it doesn’t mean he will feel the same and abstain. Thinking about your teen watching porn is uncomfortable but the answer isn’t to go nuclear.

Monitoring- this is something you are very soon going to need to give up and treating him like a preteen now isn’t going to do him, or you, any favours long term. This is the time for him to learn to manage it himself, with your guidance but not control.

Your feelings- he is growing up, this is hard and I feel for you. You can tell by your posts how emotional this has made you, both with the online safety but also the porn. This isn’t his fault, he is doing what teenagers/young adults/most men do.

I work with young people and it is true, the strictest parents create the sneakiest children. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets his hands on a second device, one with no restrictions, to get around your well intentioned attempts to safeguard him.

Edit: Just seen the update about the age of consent, it all still stands in a matter of months.

Thank you, definitely the risk of intimate images, and explaining that he could have been filmed without his knowledge is something he needs to understand and have explained to him again. The addiction side of things is also a concern… how many bloody threads do we see on this site about men who can’t function sexually or are spending ridiculous money and time on online sex?

Im not sure what to do with the devices now. We didn’t have a conversation when I went in to his room, I just said give me you phone and your laptop, asked for the passcodes and walked out.

Personally I wouldn’t go through them right now. I probably would air on not going through them - unless after my conversation I had serious concerns. He will assume you’ve gone through them so he’s probably shitting himself. I think it’s best to take some time and chill, maybe step away from mumsnet and collect your thoughts. This thread will bring a lot of opinions but you know your son and you’ll know how to handle it best.

Honestly, I’m the least strict parent of all of his friends. I’m the young mum, the one they all like, I have a really close relationship with my son and we love spending time together. We’re very open with each other, he tells me lots of things going on with his friend group, I’ve advised on situations where he was being pressured, borderline bullied and allowed him to take the lead and not overreacted.

But I will not allow my son to frequent anonymous, unverified, sexual chat rooms. That’s just insane! Even viewing pornhub to me at this age is bloody nuts!

I don’t intend to go nuclear, but feel I have a duty of care to my child, and he is still a child. He is not of the age of consent in this country and shouldn’t be exposed to this.

Honestly thank you, this was definitely the wrong place to come for advice and I’m sickened at some of the responses. On a forum for mothers and women I’m absolutely astounded. WTAF is wrong with people, do some people just not actually parent after 16 anymore?

I’ve not opened the devices, but he’s also not getting them back until we speak. I’ll decide them if I’m concerned enough to go through them. Thanks again

@TeenOnlineUse

But I will not allow my son to frequent anonymous, unverified, sexual chat rooms.

He's 16. He may do this anyway without your permission as he'll find a way round any restrictions you put on his devices, or he'll get another device you don't know about if he's that determined to explore.

I'm sorry to say that it's no longer something you get to allow him to do.

I'm going to go against the grain here and agree with the op I absolutely think op is right viewing porn at the age of 16 can rapidly escalate to an addiction and creates a distorted view of women and girls,trust me from someone who was forced to watch it at an young age,when I was old enough to find it of my own accord it became an addiction in the eyes of the law he is still to young to watch this and is still technically a child,like my own son and too her he will always be here little boy no matter how old he is.

The internet is very toxic and I believe, children to be supported and monitored to navigate the internet right up to their 18th birthday,maybe my childhood is distorting my view here a bit,but that's just my opinion I think op is being harshly judged here.

You sound like you have a lovely relationship and are a great mum. I’m sorry he’s dealt with that and I love that you have spoken so openly about these topics previously.

I don’t think anyone is saying that the chat room thing is okay, that’s why I separated them in my post. That situation is worrying for a multitude of reasons, I agree. Watching porn however is completely normal at his age, there is nothing nuts about it I’m afraid.

He isn’t being exposed to anything, he is seeking it out and exploring sexuality because he enjoys it. I saw you said you’d prefer it if he was exploring ‘in real life’ but this is unfortunately the times we are living in and if it wasn’t this it would probably be talking explicitly to girls on Snapchat, FaceTime etc. rather than innocently in his room with a girlfriend.

He is a child legally for a very short amount of time, do you think you’ll react/feel completely differently on his seventeenth birthday or eighteenth? Of course not, as parents their age doesn’t change our feelings. I’m just concerned that the way you’re dealing with this is going to exacerbate the problem. Treating him like a child, without considering that his childhood is almost at an end isn’t going to make the transition easy on either of you.

When he is eighteen and has free access to social media, porn, chatrooms, hookups etc. he needs to be equipped to deal with that. Telling him it is all bad, dangerous or forbidden and taking his devices away now will not stop him from exploring but it could stop him from discussing these things with you, especially if things go wrong.

I wouldn't go through the search history. You can say that you haven't been through it, but repeat it's not real life etc. Then you can go into the chat room issues. Hopefully that way you'll still have trust between you and he'll see you have a valid concern re sharing photos.

I'm also surprised at the responses you've had. One minute the comments are borderline misandry and that you can't trust any man around children etc, then a couple of hours later they'd rather an adolescent had no restrictions at all instead of having someone there to guide him... If you look up "schizophrenic" in an online dictionary it's probably got a hyperlink to MN.

No, they don't, and you are correct in your concerns. He is a child and you are his parent. You've fallen victim to the overnight/American crowd here OP.

has noone here seen Adolesgence?

Adolescence*

Ah, I think we assumed you were in the UK, where age blocking and verification wouldn't allow a child to access those sites (my concern would be how he'd got round that etc)

16 is also the age of consent in the UK.

I'd be having a conversation with him about how damaging porn use can be and how it isn't real. I don't think I would scrutinise his devices providing he doesn't do it again. Which you can monitor.

Eta- I'd also be talking about A I for the chat websites and how grimy they are and the dangers of coercion.

We use the paid-for version of Qustodio which works well and much better than Google Family Link. I'd definitely recommend it.

Like you, I thought I'd done a good job of teaching my DC, discussing things and for various reasons he only accesses internet whilst in a family room with others in and out, not in his bedroom alone.

We first started using monitoring software age 15 when I discovered that he'd been accessing porn. It turned out that had been happening for a while and he'd been accessing more and more hard-core stuff. I worked it out because we'd seen some quite concerning behavioural changes. He is AuDHD with violent & challenging behaviour during meltdowns, which had morphed into misogynistic abuse and physically assaulting me.

Since putting in the restrictions he has returned to his normal self and no longer assaults me. We had a couple of lapses - this was when we were using Family Link, not yet Qustodio. In both cases, I guessed that he was accessing porn by the fact that the misogynistic abuse and physical assaults suddenly re-started. I was right. I've had to call the police at least 5 times for occasions he has assaulted me as a direct consequence of accessing porn. We've explained that we will keep the restrictions on until he is 18.

Incidentally, we have had social services involvement in the last year and they spoke in strong terms about how important it is for parents of teens to be using web filters to protect their teen from unsuitable content, and how they advise that all parents do this.

For helpful anti-porn education, I highly recommend the Fight The New Drug website. They have a very good series of 3 videos looking at the effects of porn on individuals, relationships and society more widely (eg trafficking). Lots of other resources available on there too.

I would want to know what he is looking at. I accidentally found out my son was looking at pretty extreme porn at age 15: hentai, rape fantasies, age play etc. and was messaging men about meeting up for sex. I was really shocked because I thought our Internet was well locked down against porn but he was accessing it through Reddit and chatting to people on Reddit and Discord. His phone was taken away and properly locked down and his computer was moved to the living room. I banned a lot of websites at the router. I told him I would check his phone daily. There was also a long conversation about porn and how damaging it can be. He was 15 years old, as far as I know he had never even kissed anyone but he was making up rape fantasies with his online girlfriend and strange men online. Over time he was given more freedom, for example access to Discord and WhatsApp but Reddit was banned at the router for years. He’s now an adult so I don’t have any control over his phone or Internet usage any more but hopefully the obsession was broken. He’s in a long-term relationship with a friend from school now. Your son is 16, he’s still a vulnerable child and he may need you to step in. It all depends what he’s looking at and whether it may affect his real relationships if he thinks sex is going to be like what he sees on the screen. Good luck to you, OP!

Wholeheartedly agree with @Globulesand I say this as a mother of 9 children - 4 of whom are 20 + years old. You can only talk, give the information, opinions and personal experience - then you have to trust that they use that in ways that don't damage themselves. It's a fact though that it's developmentally normal for teenages and you g adults to take risk. It's how they develop maturity so whilst we are the parents might not like it we have to have an element of realism there too! Take teenage pregnancy for example - in the days where sex before marriage was an absolute no no did young people have sex and conceive babies out of wedlock? Did the abortion bill become law due to the need to make abortion safe? Well we know the answer to those! It sounds like you really do want the best for your son, so keep having the conversations but for god's sake give him privacy and so NOT telling him you know what he's been doing - he will genuinely never trust you again or come to you if he were to get into trouble and THAT is actually the most important thing in all of this! Good luck!

I can’t believe you are still monitoring his phone at 16!

He knows you know, so start from there. He’ll probably be embarrassed which will become anger at you.

So very gentle, caring, factual. His safety now and in the future is your concern.

is he keeping himself safe? He’ll probably say they talk about it all the time at school - my response to students is yes, because we know it keeps happening so we keep talking about it. You’re not as invincible or unique as you think you are 😂

porn isn’t reality and can be very damaging. The recent choking research/deaths, men becoming unable to function properly, industry exploitation - and he’s faked id in some way to get onto them.

ask what the brave browser is used for.

if anything he’s accessing is dodgy or illegal it also is your business because he’s on family device and connection. ‘Everyone does it’ is not an excuse but it is mitigation as it does feel normalised

as you say nothing wrong with exploring sexuality but think of it as porn shapes sexuality it doesnt reveal it.

speechless at the amount of parents who don’t care about this. Appalled even. You sound like an amazing mother OP. Those going crazy saying you are controlling sound like naive and lazy parents. 16 is a CHILD and so young. Just because open access to the internet has because normalised for children does not mean it’s good. Thank goodness for the Safer Screens for children campaign. Next news Adult Work will be ok because it’s just men exploring the world. We didn’t have the internet growing up at age 16. I am an older parent. I see the attitude of younger parents towards this and realise it’s because they had access to the internet at 16. It didn’t exist for me at 16. Some parents are really thick. Trying to protect your child from a bunch of online predators and not wanting your child to be exposed to horrific violent sexual acts online is being a good parent. The parents up in arms saying you are being controlling probably have their own porn addiction. It is possible to learn about sex and relationships without seeing lots of extreme sex online.

Oh and you absolutely should still be monitoring his phone; the light touch occasional approach is fine but first, social media’s about to be limited to under 16s which is off the back of hefty data about its damaging impact so 16 is not adult when it comes to this stuff, and second, the experimentation of our teens pre-mobile phones is very different. There are gangs and individuals targeting the vulnerable and at 16, they’re all vulnerable to people who make them feel good no matter what that persons agenda - and I mean everything from individual grooming to county lines and alpha male misogyny. It’s shocking what some of the seemingly nicest boys will say when they think there’s no adults in the room, they’re very good at compartmentalising their identities.

If you think it's exploring her sexuality by watching other women being exploited in porn then good for you.But I would try and stop a sixteen year old doing that.

If it was your husband then the responses would be totally different but for some reason it’s perfectly fine for male children to be looking at porn..shocker they grow into men that watch porn

ask what the brave browser is used for.

In isolation, Brave is just an everyday browser - I use it a lot as it's great for online privacy from intrusive ads and tracking. Obviously, like any browser, it can be used to access very inappropriate content too; but that's a separate matter.

I'm another one who is amazed at people on this thread who think that children should be left to use the internet completely unsupervised and unchecked at the age of 16. Yes, they're not far off being adults, but they aren't adults yet - and these final two years of childhood are fundamental in preparing them for when they are.

This thread is insane.
I thought society was trying to do a better job of educating men/boys on how to respect women and do better.

When it's men on here watching porn people are quick to tell the OP to leave him and he had no respect. Yet when a child is watching porn you're saying let him enjoy it and respect his privacy.

Brushing off excessive porn consumption and chat rooms is a safeguarding and developmental risk to how he views women and relationships.
He's 16, he's a child.

OP, I know you said you've spoken to him previously about how porn is unrealistic...but my advice is to pick a low pressure moment to chat and explain how it's your role to keep him safe and go over again how it's fake, how it's designed to make viewers addicted. And yes I would definitely put a night time curfew on his devices again. And of course check on his emotional state. He could be seeking this out so much because he's bored or lonely and it gives him a dopamine hit.

Hope you're ok OP.

" how long has he accessed the sites for- age verification should be on no? So he can't have access without submitting id to show he's 18"

He is probably using a browser with built in VPN to circumvent these restrictions. Teenagers in Australia picked up how to do this quite quickly when they brought in their restrictions....