Found porn use and questionable websites on DS16 phone

[TeenOnlineUse]

Need some advice, single Mom, one DS16. He’s honestly just a bloody wonderful kid, kind, funny, hardworking, exceptionally bright, engaged with lots of civic duty stuff, family life.

For clarity, DS has had a phone since he started secondary, always completely monitored and securely locked down by me on my phone with regular random checks here and there. Never any issues. Was not allowed social media of any kind, except WhatsApp, until this year, despite lots of protestations.

But tonight I got a notification that a screen time password has been used. I’ll hold my hands up and say since he turned 16 and I allowed social media on devices I’ve become lax and opened up the restrictions and screen time limits, not been checking his phone. But it was 1am and I thought he was asleep so I went digging and searched through the website history I could see on my phone.

He’s used a website called Y99.in quite a bit over the last few weeks, at most 40mins at a time. There’s a few visits to pornhub, jerkmatelive and he has a private browser called Brave installed which has a lot of screen time logged. I don’t know what he’s using that for.

Honestly I’m gutted. I guess it’s not surprising given it’s literally there at their fingertips but I should have been monitoring closer.

I turned the app restrictions to 0 for each of these sites and then I started getting Google alerts that he was trying to change the web tracking settings (I have Google family set up as well, but again, after he turned 16 I loosed the restrictions). So I knew he was awake.

I’ve just gone into his room, he pretended to be asleep. I told him to give me his phone and laptop, he handed them over along with the passcodes and I left the room with them.

I’m not really sure what to do now. Do I search both devices I full? How do I talk to him about this? I’m very forward and open with him but I want to handle this the right way. When exactly do we stop monitoring online use and trust them? Didn’t think I’d be lost in this situation, and maybe I’m just tired, but I’m not sure what to do now.

Because he is still a child and she is responsible for him !

I really understand why you are concerned but if you've had the whole chat with him, attended talks etc with him then I'm sure he's probably just exploring web pages that all his mates are talking about.

At 16-year-old they are actually classed as adults so you really need to think long and hard about how you go about this.

I wouldn't be deep diving on all his devices, you should be more interested in building a more healthy relationship with your son, where trust is the key.

I have a 16-year-old and a 26-year-old and we can talk about anything, no shame, no embarrassment.

I get you worry about him being exploited so explain all of this in a relaxed environment where none of you is talking down to the other. Keep it chilled then it won't explode into a lecture.

In the past it would've been finding a wank porn magazine under the mattress.

Don't automatically assume he's looking at kinky stuff or being exploited, give your son a chance to explore these things but make sure he knows it's not real life and not how relationships work if you live in a vanilla mindset.

Trust is key here.

I’m with you on this OP. I’d view porn as potentially addicting as drugs, and I wouldn’t be chilled about my 16 year old using drugs in my home. The thing is, you know your son better than anyone in this forum. Trust yourself.

@StillCreatingAName Until that child is an adult who can get credit and pay for the devices themselves, they belong to the OP and are being used by the child. The op has every right to monitor what’s being viewed, especially if there’s other children in the home who could access the devices.

This ^

Anything else is just lazy parenting.

I wonder where these boys got the idea for this activity ?
www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/breaking-girl-17-raped-busy-36902563

hes 16 with an interest in sex and porn. Stop invading his privacy!
by all means go over safe internet use in chat rooms.

Different men have told me that they used to find/access Playboys in bushes as children.

It was a known fact that teenagers would leave them there for other teenagers to take home, enjoy, and return to the bush.

Porn will always be accessed by those who seek it.

OP my eldest is 16 and I don’t check exactly what she’s on but I’d be concerned too. Very tricky age. They think they are so grown up. But they are still kids

Sorry, OP, that sounds like it was a shock for you!

I understand you wanting to protect your children as long as possible, but I suppose he is at that age of sexual curiosity. I agree conversations around consent, sexual health etc are really important right now, as well as keeping open lines of communication so that he knows he can approach you, even if it’s a little awkward, without fear of anger or judgement.

Obviously, your concerns around porn use are totally valid and there’s a ton of studies atm, including from Cambridge University, that can be scary showing when men’s pornography use increased their sexual functioning declined, sexual self-confidence declined and their partners became less sexually satisfied. So that’s cool 🙃

I think an open, relaxed conversation explaining porn isn’t real/isn’t the goal or expectation in a real sexual relationship and should be used mindfully etc could be good but idk… 16 year old boys are 16 year old boys …

Baffled by some of the responses you’re getting OP. I think you’re right to be concerned. At 15 and 16 I was using chat rooms and arranging to meet up with men in their 30s and 40s to have sex, so you’re not overreacting.

ETA: these were over 18 chatrooms and people knew my age.

Im absolutely stunned by the responses saying this is fine! I have the internet restrictions set at source via the internet provider to filter out all material not suitable for under 18s. My kids weren’t allowed screens in their rooms overnight until they left school. A 16 year old child should not be allowed to lie awake at night with unlimited access to porn! This is not exploring his sexuality, it’s enough to cause all kinds of problems!

This kid will end up someone's spouse or partner.

If his mum let's him watch porn...

I'm not quite sure what that post means but 'phones should be removed at bedtime anyway.

Because first, nearly everything kids do on their devices is psychologically stimulating, so devices rev up the brain when it should be slowing down. Second, they are learning to associate their bed with stimulation rather than rest. So even on nights when they don’t use a device in bed, they’ve conditioned their brain to expect stimulation there, and they’ll have a harder time falling asleep.
Third, the blue light from devices tricks the brain into thinking it’s still daytime. Then they don’t produce enough of the sleep hormone melatonin, and it takes longer to fall asleep and is more difficult to sleep soundly.

All this makes them tired the next day and not able to apply themselves to schoolwork.

When kids are paying for their 'phones and contracts they can have a bigger say in what they view. (Providing they are 18+)

I despise pornography, despise it being normalised and despise its degrading of society and relationships. No way would I allow my 16 year old son to access porn, not to mention sex chat rooms!!!, in our home. It would be against my values in every way and it's important to me that my son knows this.

That is what I would tell him. That is what I did tell my own son. He's a bit older now and our relationship is still great. Once they're 18, it's over to them. But until they are adults - no way.

And agree with previous poster: No screens in kids' bedrooms after bed time - they are charged in a common area overnight and picked up in the morning. That's non-negotiable until 18!

I'm honest enough to say if I had access to the kind of porn that is freely available nowadays as a sixteen year old I would be seriously miserable and probably sexually dysfunctional. Incredible to me all the cool mums are like "go watch some women being choked and degraded" (because that's what the majority of it is) and hope your lectures overcome the brick to his developing sexual brain whatever dark shit he is watching on Brave will be.

"with an interest in sex and porn"

Oh, sorry, it's an interest. That's fine then! Like trainspotting or basketball.

Wtf?

And he needs his privacy? Would you say the same if her son were accessing websites about buying knives or drugs?

Shocking, isn't it? This thread is an eye opener.

Im with you op.

The law says 16 year olds are two years to young for alcohol, and too young to drive a car.

Still a child.

Still need protecting/ guiding.

This for me too op. You say you have had the conversations and you are close with him. So now is the time you step back a little and trust that the groundwork you have done has sunk in. I would be careful about how many tons of bricks you come down on him with - he’ll already be mortified, and you want to maintain his ability to come to you if he has a problem, not just hide it well. Just my view.

Sorry in retrospect it makes no sense.

What i meant was - this boy will perhaps one day be someone's partner or spouse. He will not see a problem with watching porn in a relationship because his mum said it was ok when he was still a child.

If his mum didn't have a problem why should anyone else he may think.

An update to end this thread.

We spoke this morning. I spoke about my fears of chat rooms being hunting grounds for paedophiles and predators, about sextortion, about the fact that these are adult spaces that he has no business being in. Apparently there has been nothing sexual in the Y99 chat room, just talking to other young people. And the other one is more a cam site, with no 2 way interaction.

He’s assured me he has never shared any intimate images or details online or with anyone on social. We spoke at length about how damaging doing this could be and the fact that it is ‘child pornography’ (hate that term) and is a crime to produce,send or receive intimate images of himself or others. Again, he’s assured me this has never happened.

He admitted to viewing Pornhub. Said it was curiosity. I explained how damaging pornography can be to his body and mind, particularly at this age. How chasing more and more extreme porn can be addictive, and can render him sexually dysfunctional and unable to actually be intimate with a real life partner.

The conversation was very open and I hope honest, he confided in me about a number of personal things which I was grateful and comforted by.

He knows I will continue to check in to his online activity occasionally and is completely fine with that. My fears have been somewhat allayed but I won’t become complacent. If that makes me controlling, and not a ‘cool Mom’ fine. I don’t actually care. Like I told my son, he is my child, the most precious thing in my life and my most important job is to keep him safe.

Im still absolutely appalled at some of the posters on this thread, and if there are a large number of parents like this in real life, is it any wonder kids are struggling and growing up to become addicted to pornography and unable to function sexually.

Pornography has evolved, a number of posters mentioned magazines of old… people didn’t become addicted to magazines, wank themselves to the point of sexual dysfunction over magazines, spend their family budget on chasing more and more extreme magazines, or have a stream of increasingly extreme magazines at their fingertips. Modern day pornography is seriously damaging and you’re doing your children a disservice by not protecting them from it. This ‘respecting their privacy’ bull goes out the window when your children are engaging in harmful behaviour.

Thanks to those who offered sane advice for addressing this with my son, it was helpful.

And before anyone asks, I made it very clear to him that curiosity, experimentation, masturbation etc is obviously completely healthy and normal, but should be done in an age appropriate way.

Well done OP, it sounds like the conversation went well 😊

I agree with you OP. Porn isn’t the end of the world but isn’t going to give him a realistic view of sex is it? And if we don’t do anything about these things we’ll end up with another generation of men that think women are just sexual objects. Some of the porn is really aggressive and degrading towards women and almost all of my sexual partners have enjoyed some of those ‘aspects’ which I doubt even were thought of before pornos. He knows you check his phone so just pluck up the courage and have a chat. The chat sex sites are really worrying I personally think. He’s not too old to take his phone if he refuses to stop some of those things. Try not to embarrass him though if you can. Easier said than done here.

Well done OP.

I'm with you OP, if this was my son I'd sit with him to watch the Exodus Cry films on YouTube about the porn industry.
I'd hope that would open his eyes to how vile Porn Hub is.
The one with Max Hard-core (dead now), and the pressure, pain and humiliation he put on young girls to be in Porn Hub films was heart wrenching.