DSS's mum blocking school choice - how best to support

[Steppen]

DSS has always been a very bright boy. His mum has insists the very rough secondary modern he attends is fine for him. DSS has been beaten up several times for being 'too clever for his own good'. He now avoids speaking in class as much as he can. He has no friends and is physically quite a small boy. We asked DSS if he wanted to consider moving schools for 6th form and he agreed he wanted to look. He has passed the entrance exams for 2 very academic may selective private schools and assuming he gets 7s in his GCSEs he will have secured a place at both schools. His mum is completely against him switching schools and thinks "a bright child will do well anywhere". We've told DSS the decision is entirely his but I can see how much pressure he is feeling and is likely to stay where he is just to please his mum. How hard would you try to show him how much of a chance this is for him?

I think you should have spoken to his mum about it and agreed the potential change of schools between the people in his life with parental responsibility before they approached your step son, got his hopes up and took him to see different schools 😳

who is paying the fees?

Am assuming there are fees to pay unless he has been allocated a a 100% bursary?

I can understand the huge dilemma but agree this is something that needs to involve both parents and would ideally have everyone on board.

I would say, though, that 6th forms of "rough" schools will often have a very different feel to lower years, so sticking with where he is may not be totally disastrous.

Can I suggest the focus should be more on what subjects he wants to study, whether they are offered at each school and what options are done? That may give a more solid ground for decision making.

It’s up to DS more than parents at his age. In my opinion sixth form and college should be a students choice and not a parents but it does depend on who is paying or if it a bursary.

DH and I would be paying the fees. His mum wouldn't be asked for anything. The last time DH tried to discuss schools with her she sent him a letter from her solicitor telling him to never discuss schools with her again. It's utterly pointless. At 16 we have no direct contact with her anymore.

@pauline987 DH has parental responsibility for DSS.

If you are paying the fees and ALL associated costs, at 16yo the boy can choose himself. Essentially he can choose where to go to school, and in fact where to live. No court will interfere with his choices at this age so she can threaten with solicitors all she likes.

Fees aside, the choice should be entirely his.

I would make it clear to him that you will support whatever he wants to do and that he should decide in his own best interests.

If it’s sixth form then surely it’s up to him really? We helped DD look at colleges, went to open days and discussed subject choices, but beyond that as long as she could get herself there she could go where she wants.

If you’re paying all the fees and any costs I would just enroll him, if that’s where he wants to go. If it even does get to court she won’t have a leg to stand on.

Would his mum be involved if you were paying?

Why did your partner not discuss this with mum before attending open days and sitting entrance exams? Schooling is something that is covered by parental responsibility, you shouldn’t just have pushed her to one side because you can afford a fee paying 6th form. It’s easy to see why she might dig her heels in.

f it even does get to court she won’t have a leg to stand on

you can expect a bollocking. You can’t just make unilateral decisions about schools given parental responsibility. It’s unfair to have approached it in this way and you won’t come off well in front of a reasonable judge. That said, given his age, I imagine a judge would let him make his own decision.

Can he access the schools from his mum’s or are you also trying to change residence? Will you expect mum to pay travel costs, uniforms, lunches etc or is that covered as well?

what research have you done into all the school’s results in the subjects he wants to study? What do you consider are the advantages? Will he fit in?

@Changechangechanging Most of your questions I've already answered.

She did make a unilateral decision about his secondary schooling and sent DH a nasty letter from her solicitor when he tried to have any input. She will not speak about schools with him. DSS is very unhappy and the school is frankly dire.

We have always done all the driving the stepkids back and forth. She's never once driven. We already pay all uniform/phones etc and certainly wouldn't expect any of that to change. One school is bang in the middle of the two houses so he could choose where he lives during the week but she would need to get him one village over to catch the bus. Or he can live here during the week and we will get him to the bus.

Here we go again…love and treat them as your own, they come as a package you signed up for dont’cha know…but mind your own damn business should mum’s preference be for DSS to continue being bullied at a rough school 🙄

To answer your question, I would make it clear to DSS you’ll support his decision whatever he wants to do. I assume he wants to go to university? Any angle you can take regarding the impact either way on his uni choices?

Changechange

he is 16. 16 year olds choose their own school/college. Court and PR won’t apply unless he is vulnerable/not capable etc.

Support DSS’s choice. At sixth form, DD moved school without her DF’s agreement - her reasons for wanting to change school were valid socially and educationally. As we knew he would object, we just accepted the place and presented him with it as a done deal. He was very angry (likes to be in control), but got over himself eventually. I think the tricky bit for your DSS is that he will continue to live with his mum and will have to put up with the pressure there whereas DD just refused to see her DF until he had calmed down.

but mind your own damn business should mum’s preference be for DSS to continue being bullied at a rough school

or just nvolve the boy’s mother rather than present it as a fait accompli?

“The last time DH tried to discuss schools with her she sent him a letter from her solicitor telling him to never discuss schools with her again.”

I’d say they were respecting mum’s wishes.

16 year olds choose their own school/college. Court and PR won’t apply unless he is vulnerable/not capable etc

PR applies till the age of 18. You don’t just present a child with options without first discussing it with the other parent. It’s totally unreasonable and asking for trouble. Now the poor kid has to make a choice that will upset one or other of his parents, and possibly feel he has to make a choice that isn’t the best for him. All probably avoided by not taking one of his parents out of the equation in the first place.

I read that as after they had started this process, not before. I may be wrong.

”She did make a unilateral decision about his secondary schooling and sent DH a nasty letter from her solicitor when he tried to have any input. She will not speak about schools with him. DSS is very unhappy and the school is frankly dire.”

DSS is very unhappy at a school where he’s being bullied and I don’t believe for one second you’d be defending the dad if it was dad’s choice to keep DSS there, not mum’s.

Regardless of PR a 16 year old has the right to choose which school or college he goes to (or indeed whether he continues at school or college at all.

At 16, the application for 6th form or college is made by the child not the parent.

So does it matter if your parents disagree as they cannot make your school application? Or accept the place once offered.

I hope DSS finds the right place for himself and thrives away from bullies.

@Changechangechanging She sent the letter when DSS was 10 and considering senior schools. DH tried to have a conversation with her about his concerns regarding the school she chose. She responded telling him basically to shut up or take her to court. He chose not to go to court as we thought it wouldn't be in DSS's interests to be caught between his parents in a legal battle over schools. We also hoped perhaps she was right and the secondary modern wouldn't be so bad. It's been shocking.

We have paid for our joint children to be privately educated from year 3 onward. DSS's mum believes this is our attempt to make him "posh". He had to drop several subjects he really had a passion for because his school couldn't accommodate them in the schedule with the more academic subjects. He's been bullied and taught by a steady stream of supply teachers who seem to just be doing crowd control.

She has been aware of the whole process as we have her email to the schools and they sent out all the information. He had to miss school to take the entrance exams etc. She has not brought it up with us and given the solicitors letter from the last time we have not brought it up with her. If she wanted to discuss it we would have.

Last time we backed off for the sake of not causing strife and stress for DSS. Now that he's older I feel like we are doing him a disservice to not even present other options. He will go to uni I assume as he's very very bright. He currently has no cohort. She refused to even sit him for the 11+ for the grammars but I'm sure he would have passed. The question now is how hard to push with DSS. His mum keeps telling him how horrid the kids in private schools will be. That they don't live in the real world. That he will do just as well at his current school. We have gone very gently with DSS so far but I wonder if adult him will feel we should have been more blunt about the potential impact this decision has on his life. That's where I'm stuck.