DSS's mum blocking school choice - how best to support

[Steppen]

DSS has always been a very bright boy. His mum has insists the very rough secondary modern he attends is fine for him. DSS has been beaten up several times for being 'too clever for his own good'. He now avoids speaking in class as much as he can. He has no friends and is physically quite a small boy. We asked DSS if he wanted to consider moving schools for 6th form and he agreed he wanted to look. He has passed the entrance exams for 2 very academic may selective private schools and assuming he gets 7s in his GCSEs he will have secured a place at both schools. His mum is completely against him switching schools and thinks "a bright child will do well anywhere". We've told DSS the decision is entirely his but I can see how much pressure he is feeling and is likely to stay where he is just to please his mum. How hard would you try to show him how much of a chance this is for him?

I thought that they were looking at private for DSS, not grammars?

OP, you sound like a really sensitive person trying to do their best. It sounds like DSS's mother is terrified of losing him physically if he moves to dad's for the week to be nearer to the better school, emotionally if she doesn't get to be his main influence in decisions anymore and even culturally if he spends his days at a school where she feels there is no one like them. If his parents separated and dad has become a lot more wealthy and has other children privately educated, she is probably struggling with feelings around that, particularly if he ended it and is now doing well financially. I really hope it's sorted as it's clear that all the adults love this young man. Good luck.

There is something in this.

If he's small for his age and lacking confidence, I would also seriously encourage him to do a gap year and work before university. University/college could be when he comes into his own, and he'll be much better equipped and capable of making the most of his opportunities there (academic and social) if he's another year older and has gained confidence from doing something different for a year.

For 6th form, I would just reiterate that you love him loads and will support him in whatever choice he makes, but that it makes you sad to see him unhappy and unappreciated where he is, which is why you'd like him to try somewhere new.

If you have parental responsibility OP then make life easy for your DSS and just tell him you've made the decision for him. He clearly wants to go to the private sixth form. It's unrealistic to think he'll be able to stand up to his Mum. Take the decision and responsibility out of his hands

DeWinter - holy crap that is aggressive beyond belief when none of us know the full story.

Op, I would stay out of it. Concentrate on your own children and their future. Your DH made the mistake of just lying down when your ss was 10 years old. He SHOULD have fought this then. Your ss will really struggle to make a decision that goes against his mother's wishes, it is alot to put on his shoulders and let's be honest, his own dad couldn't do it so why are you expecting it from him at 16? Poor kid.

@jemimapuddlepluck He is my child, thanks. He may be my stepchild but he's still my child. I've been his stepmother since he was 3. I love him very much and care deeply what happens to him or I wouldn't be willing to pay half his fees! It's really quite amazing to me that someone can feel so self assured to know that DH should have subjected us all to a lengthy and upsetting court fight 6 years ago over school choice. We chose to prioritise the relationship with his mother as that seemed to be the right thing then. We had no way of knowing how bad this secondary modern would be before DSS got there. No it didn't look good on paper and yes we had concerns but we didn't know how shocking it would be. If I'd posted this 6 years ago people would have told me to stop being a snob and the school would be fine.

Court is pointless now. If he wants to go she won't get in his way ultimately I don't think. It's more that he's frozen by the decision because he knows his parents really don't agree. I'm trying to work out how best to approach him. Or whether it's best to leave it.

I don't see how this 'real world' experience will do him any good. None of the professionals I know function in this 'real world' full of aggressive underperforming colleagues. He will need confidence and opportunities to present his work and work with a cohort that is as able as he is. Group work means he carries the whole thing.

He does zero extracurriculars or sports. The private school would open up a world of opportunity for him.

Speak to the admissions officer at the new school.

This is not an uncommon issue (I mean the specifics are but the core issue of child moving into private at 16 and having fears about it).

They will be able to arrange a day visit where he attends classes and can tour the school again. He will be assigned another child to hang out with at breaks and show him the ropes at lunch.

The school will help and do this fairly regularly and then the boy can make up his own mind a bit more easily?

Totally understand and agree with every word! I was very glib with the concentrate on your own children comment and i apologise. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, it was a fight worth having. The damage to his confidence is done, those years shape us.
It is a fight worth having again. Your DH (and you) need to fight his mum on this. Its unfair to put this on your SS. If your DH wanted to prioritise the relationship with his mother back then then imagine how conflicted the boy is now!

You seem very anti state schools and quite snobbish to be honest- who on earth uses the phrase “secondary modern” these days?! His mum may have had her own very good reasons for not wanting to send him to a private school paid for by her ex, or a grammar school. I personally don’t agree with selective education on principle and my DC despite being very able did not take the 11 plus. He could just have easily been bullied at private school, and this so-called terrible school you talk about can’t be that bad if he is on course to get 7s in his GCSEs.

Of course it should be his choice now, but please don’t paint his mother as neglectful for not wanting to send him to private school.

I do think she's neglectful for insisting he stay in a school where he is being physically and psychologically bullied when there are other options, whether they be state or private, and when the boy himself has already been damaged (too scared to speak in class) and seems desperate to escape.

I think you talk to your SS and tell him you really want him to have the same opportunities as his younger half siblings and it should be up to him now he's 16. But you'll support him whatever he decides.
What about the compromise of a really good state 6th form near you, is that possible? I'm assuming you're in a grammar school area, is it possible to transfer at 16+?

We have gone very gently with DSS so far but I wonder if adult him will feel we should have been more blunt about the potential impact this decision has on his life. That's where I'm stuck.

DH needs to say look, we'll pay for you to go to this school if you want. It might be better for you, it might not. And then leave it.

You can't force him to stand up for himself. Adult him will have to live with his choice like anyone else

If he wants to go then send him. It's not entirely his mother's decision at age 16. She wouldn't win if it went to court.

@Confusedteacher If you live in a fully selective county then secondary moderns do still exist. It is relevant to this discussion because his current school is not a comprehensive. There is no true top set as the top 25% or so were creamed off and sent to grammars. It's not being a snob to give pertinent information...

@Steppen you are wrong, there are no schools called secondary moderns anymore. It is a very outdated term. In terms of ”fully selective” counties no one is forced to take the 11 plus, many parents will still send their children to a state school out of choice. Phrases such as the top 25% being “creamed off” are again very outdated. It’s not the top 25% at all, it is the wealthy kids who are tutored to within an inch of their life.

You sound snobbish as you are belittling your DSS’s mother’s choices and basically calling her a neglectful parent because she doesn’t agree with you and DH about private schools.

I was raised in a very poor family, my dm had the foresight to understand that the 11+ was our ticket to a better future. She bought us the practice books from WHSmiths.
I will always be grateful for the grammar school system. It was designed for people like me.
Obviously now there are many good comprehensives but if a local authority are permitted to retain grammar schools then parents should not be criticised for encouraging their dc to get into them.

Snobbish because she doesn’t want her step child in a school where he is bullied daily and has had to drop subjects due to the offering of the school? Weird definition of snobbery you have; but it’s definitely verging on reverse snobbery with you because private school = snobs huh?

You sound snobbish as you are belittling your DSS’s mother’s choices and basically calling her a neglectful parent because she doesn’t agree with you and DH about private schools.

Isn't allowing your DC to be bullied everyday because the mother's "principles" mean more to her not neglectful? I'm no fan of private schools but if the choice was for DD to spend her days being miserable or going to a private school then the private school would win hands down.

Are you really a teacher? If so you should probably be aware that different parts of the country operate different systems of schooling. For a start grammar schools are state schools so the (approximately) 30% of DCs who attend a grammar school in fully selective areas such as Buckinghamshire are being state educated.

Secondly, Bucks operates an opt-out system with regard to the 11+ which means around 92% of state-educated primary school pupils take the 11+ exam. Of course you can choose not to take it, but only a small minority opt out.

Technically you are correct to say that the term 'secondary modern' no longer exists because authorities don't use it (the official term is 'upper school' or 'all-ability' school), but I can assure you that parents still routinely use the term.

And @Steppen is 100% correct to say that schools in a fully selective area cannot be called comprehensives as grammar schools have selected the 30% of top-performing pupils from the 11+ transfer test – whether these genuinely constitute the 'top' 30% is a moot point, I agree, but these pupils are missing from the non-grammar schools, whatever you call them.

@thing47 yes I am a teacher, I live in a grammar school area and I have taught in more than one of the “secondary modern” schools that you speak of. But thanks for explaining all that to me 🙄

I say snobbish because 1. The use of the word ‘secondary modern’ is outdated and pretty offensive in my book. And 2. Because it feels like the OP is suggesting that by not wanting her child to go to private or grammar school his mum is somehow neglecting him.

Of course the bullying should be addressed, and he should be given the option to change schools if he wants to . The OP hasn’t actually said what the school has done to address the bullying issue. It was more the attitudes toward the DSC’s mum that were concerning.

Fair enough. DD2 went to one such school and all her friends' parents (and I) called it a 'secondary modern'. It never occurred to me that it's an offensive term, I wonder why you think it is…?

DD2 looked at private and grammar options for Sixth Form (she got good enough results for both) but decided to stay where she was. But if she'd been getting bullied and hated the school she was at, we would have strongly encouraged her to change schools despite my not being a huge fan of private or grammar schools personally.

You sound great OP. As a way of increasing confidence are there any courses DSS could attend that would boost his confidence before sixth form, such as the National Citizenship Service? (was great for some kids I know) or a fun week-long residential course in his favourite academic subject?

If he switches school will he still live with his mum?

sdc chose a sixth form near us, an planned to live with us during the week as it was walking distance.

mum kicked off completely about us “taking her child away” and “I’m not paying to have my child taken off me”. A bit part was she saw it as sdc “choosing” dad over her, and also the loss of maintenance.

she guilted sdc to choosing a college in the other direction (an hour on the bus)

it’s not as easy as the child making the decision, they will usually make the decision that causes the least upset- and as we said it was completely their choice they chose not to upset mum.

He’s 16 and sounds completely capable of making an informed decision so I would let him choose. His mother has made it clear she doesn’t want to be involved with his schooling and you and his father and willing to pay for an alternative school, so I’d leave it to him.