DSS's mum blocking school choice - how best to support

[Steppen]

DSS has always been a very bright boy. His mum has insists the very rough secondary modern he attends is fine for him. DSS has been beaten up several times for being 'too clever for his own good'. He now avoids speaking in class as much as he can. He has no friends and is physically quite a small boy. We asked DSS if he wanted to consider moving schools for 6th form and he agreed he wanted to look. He has passed the entrance exams for 2 very academic may selective private schools and assuming he gets 7s in his GCSEs he will have secured a place at both schools. His mum is completely against him switching schools and thinks "a bright child will do well anywhere". We've told DSS the decision is entirely his but I can see how much pressure he is feeling and is likely to stay where he is just to please his mum. How hard would you try to show him how much of a chance this is for him?

@Auntpodder Those are great suggestions, thank you. I don't think he would do a residential but maybe the National service.

@Christmaspyjamas This is a great suggestion. He's quite hesitant and the school haven't offered any additional chances to look round but I will now ask.

When I was 16 I went to different sixth form open days and chose a sixth form college and let my parents know I was switching from my school to a different sixth form college.

Granted, my parents didn't try to stop me but I don't remember the colleges asking what my mum or dad thought and didn't interview them, just me.

Nobody "presented me with options" so there was no question of someone else choosing, and if they had presented me with options, good on them, people should have options.

Don't see what it really has to do with either parent's choice, it should be up to the child and a person should be presented with as many options as possible to make a choice.

What does DSS say about it?

Your DH should have done more to fight the choice of schools for his DS. A court fight between parents would have been far less damaging than the impact of bullying. A wrong call there. Don't make another one. As others have said he is 16 now so the voice should be his anyway not his mother's. I'd be encouraging him to make his own decision and not be swayed by her (or anyone else). Although he can listen to pros and cons from friends and family, other people's unevidenced opinions should not come into it and he should certainly not go with his mother's opinion over his own. It's his life, the choice of school will have an impact on his life and he needs to decide how he wants to live it.

That you consider, and believe the court will agree, that any attempt to prevent him from choosing the school he clearly wants and which will free him from 5 years of physical and psychological bullying would be emotionally abusive. That you wil go to court to demonstrate the 5 years of historic neglect/ emotional abuse. That the only outcome which will prevent this is full-throated approval of Dss’s choice

He hasn't made the choice. He is torn between the wants of two parents. It does not sound like anyone has asked him his opinion - did the OP and partner take him to look at other local 6th forms or just the private ones? The ex has not neglected or abused her child by sending him to school! We have no idea what she may have tried to support her child and she is ultimately not responsible gorgeous the behaviour of other children. And of course, he had another patent for the last 5 years. What intervention has he made on his child's behalf?

Hey

I'd get DHs solicitor to write a letter back.

Solicitor letters seem scary but they mean nothing. Either way, if that's how she wants to communicate then go for it... if it's about your DSS's happiness and wellbeing then it will be worth fighting for. He's old enough to make his own decisions and it sounds like he supports this.

You sound like a great step mum.

I’m not sure if it applies at this age but take her to court if necessary (if the boy wants to go to the new school). It would be looked upon very poorly if she attempted to block a move to a better school, that he wanted to attend. Speaking from experience.

Sending a child to a school where he has no cohort to learn with isn't exactly the height of parenting greatness. The teaching has been fairly dire in most of the subjects. He has the ability to do incredibly well but he shouldn't have to teach himself and his education should be about so much more.

The chavs and really disruptive kids usually leave after year 11. The ones in 6th form who are left actually want to learn..

I hope she doesn't stop him from having this amazing opportunity. He's clearly not happy where he is and she sounds bitter.

You sound lovely op
I would push it with him and talk through concerns and try to deal with them so he’s making a logical choice
is there any additional person he can speak to so he doesn’t feel it’s a decision between his mum or you and DH. Someone who he sees as giving valuable but neutral advice…but who would obviously say private school as it’s the only right answer here!!

I wouldn’t offer it now because he may take it as a compromise to keep mum happy, but if he chooses to stay I’d put the school money into tutors and helping him build other skills in sports or other hobbies and interests that his current school isn’t offering

Things I’d also look at are:
-Current school 6th form - is it likely the kids bullying him would leave?
-Private options - is it generally ‘rich’ kids or a slightly more diverse mix.

DSS could choose himself at that age court don't get involved unless there is a safety issue. Your problem is the mum sounds like she would just disagree with whatever you say. Sounds like you need to have a sit down with DSS what he wants to do.

@TiaraBoo DSS is a rich kid which has been part of the issue at his current school. Neither his mum or us live in a small house or lack funds. He's not in the slightest bit arrogant or big headed. He's anxious and sweet child.

@Steppen all credit to you & this frankly ridiculous mum sounds a bloody nightmare. I'd push hard for your dss to have ALL the info & encourage him to hear you and his dad opinion & all the options & then support his decision. Even having him live with you. He's 16, her controlling days are over.

She gives mums a bad bloody name. In this instance a stepmum really can't win.

@Steppen Your husband's son's choice of school is absolutely NONE of your business! You had NO right going over his mother's head!

So for the last 5 years, what has his father done about it? What support has he provided? Has he reported the bullying?

Not read the full thread but wanted to say that I went through similar recently for secondary school. DC very bright, anxious, bullied through primary & thoroughly miserable. Passed entrance exams for independent schools and offered places. I would pay fees. Ex + step Mum blocked it citing I was wanting to put her in a ''rich kids school'' for my own benefit ( what benefit that gave me not sure...), not fair on other kids etc. Made DC feel terrible, guilty etc. Threatened to apply residence order to remove her from my care into theirs, leading to DC saying she wouldn't go to the independent, and would go to the state just to make it all stop.

I got letters from lawyer instructed by ex/step mum stating that if I didn't back down they would apply for residence... DC near had a nervous breakdown when they told her. Had to go to the expense of getting a lawyer, who told me that ex could take me to court however he'd lose as it was demonstrably in DC best interest to go to the school suited to her and not the rough state secondary. My lawyer spoke to their lawyer who conceded ex didn't have a leg to stand on & told them as much. Cue lots of fuss, endless nasty emails etc but ex never applied to court knowing lost battle.

The court looks at what is best for the child, not what the parents want.

She's thrived at the independent, no bullying, excelling academically. Ex / step mum still make a fuss at every given opportunity but hey ho..

She didn’t.

his dad has just as much right to decide on school as his mum.

would you say his mother had no right going over his dads head to send him where she wanted, and threaten him with court to boot?

@Landndialamrhf A third person he can speak to is a great idea. I don't know a single person who thinks he should stay in the school he's currently in (besides his mum!). He adores my mum who is quite gentle and could help him think about the two schools objectively. Or we have a family friend who is in the field he is interested in who could speak to him.

I do think the disruptive behaviour would go down in 6th form but it won't magically make a cohort of similarly able children appear or better teachers spring out of the ground.

As he is 16, his mum has zero say in schools or even where he lives for that matter. I would tell him this and tell him you will protect him from his mum if need be- as in get a non molestation order if she starts to harass him in any way to include solicitor letters. It’s his life, his mum doesn’t own him.

Maybe setting out a framework of pros and cons would help him. And separating the emotional from the logical. If emotional responses, like his mum not wanting this school and his dad wanting the school are acknowledged and noted, sometimes it makes it easier to see past them to what he might want.

Otherwise his parents wants and feelings around the school become the elephant in the room, completely overshadowing what he might feel. He may ultimately decide that he doesn't want to upset his mum to that degree, but I guess your role is to help him fully explore what the different scenarios might look like, how he might feel, and also reassure him that he can always change his mind if something really doesn't fit.

@InconvenientPeg I've made a summary of the A level results at both schools alongside the extracurriculars on offer etc. There's really no comparing the two schools...we've set up a taster day for next week for him but after that they need a decision which is fair enough.

@Pinkyxx

not fair on other kids etc

I wonder if it was all about making DC go to same school as her step siblings & ex & his partner can't afford it. So if their kids can't have the opportunity then neither should your DC. It's really petty.

Well done for standing up to them. OP this sounds like a similar situation to you. So fingers crossed you can make it work in DSS favour.

@converseandjeans I can only really guess as to their motivation but based on what they said they felt it was all for my benefit. I am confident it was not a financial issue. While ex made it clear I would have to pay all costs, he & his wife are very wealthy and could easily have afforded to pay for DD, step mum's kids and their mutual kid to all attend private schools. I struggle to pay the fees and have made big sacrifices to make it possible. it's been worth it, as she's literally a different child now - happy at school. It was not at all about making step mum's kids feel they were getting less. Ex/his wife could have opted for the same for their kids if they felt it was right for them. Incidentally, her kids and their mutual kid (from what DD's says) think it's hilarious she ''has to'' to all this work when they don't, they mock her frequently for being ''geek'' who in their view does nothing but study... they miss the point she wants to do well at school & enjoys learning... it's a good example of why trying to treat all children the same isn't always a good thing. Different kids need different things, what is right for one isn't necessarily right for the other.

The real difficulty in situations like this the influence a parent can have over a child - if they make the child feel guilty enough / cause enough conflict - the child will just take the path of least resistance. It's difficult to help a child recognize where the motivations of others may not align with their best interests and to learn they are not responsible for how other people feel. As a PP said, helping him explore the different possible outcomes will help him think this through and reach a decision he is comfortable with.

@Steppen DD found the taster day super helpful. She came out saying, ''I'm one of them Mummy''. What she meant was that she met like minded kids.. like her.. and felt like she could 'belong'. We're the poorest people in the whole school, but intellectually / interest wise she is on a par with the kids there. I can't tell you what a difference it makes. My wall flower daughter emerged from her shell ❤