Boyfriend's daughter has pulled the plug on weekend plans

MissSmiley · 2022-06-25T04:49:45+00:00

We don't live together yet but we spend most weekends together and some nights in the week. He has his DDs 50/50. They have plenty of time on their own with their dad when I'm not there. My daughter and I (all young teens) had been invited to go and stay this weekend which is quite normal, we had planned things to do all together. Yesterday after school one of his DD decides she doesn't want us to come to stay. We get on well and there have been no problems in the past. He's agreed to her request and we're now not going. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I wouldn't let my child dictate the plans for the weekend, I would obviously find out if there was a specific reason but AIBU to not want my weekend cancelled by a 14 yo deciding that's what she wants?

Bigsenoritata · 25/06/2022 05:58

Maybe she's having a tough time and needs some space. Maybe she wants some time with her dad.

It's her home. Surely she should have some say, and your DP should take her feelings into account.

If cancellations aren't a frequent thing I'd let it go. Of course he should prioritise his DD over you and your kids.

notgreatthanks · 25/06/2022 06:35

If dd is struggling and given a legitimate reason then fair enough. If it's because they have issue with you or your child then that's something that needs to be addressed. If they are quite demanding and use to getting their own way then that's unreasonable.

ChangingStates · 25/06/2022 06:40

I think it’s important for the kids to have some control and say in what happens in their home. They only get to spend 50% of their time with their dad, it’s not a lot for a kid and they need to feel like he prioritises that time for them because they are most important - after all he has 50% of his time without them there to do what he likes. He’s doing the right think IMO- I also co parent with my ex 50/50 and it really isn’t much time with them / them with me.

Having said that- a compromise maybe- you don’t stay the weekend but do all get together for an afternoon - or you and your dd go over and hang out for a few hours- just not the whole weekend? Are they all old enough for you and him to go out for a couple of hours on your own and not involve the kids?

CrystalCoco · 25/06/2022 06:42

Unless there's a big drip feed coming, then on the face of it no YANBU to not want a 14yo to cancel the weekend plans.
I'd find out from your bf what reasons she gave and see how legit it seems.

Celeryfavour · 25/06/2022 06:55

It's the end of term, she's probably knackered! Maybe she doesn't want activities organised for her? Perhaps she wants to lie in bed watching Glastonbury? Or maybe she had invited one of her own friends round? Loads of possibilities. 14 year olds are people too.

Original poster

MissSmiley · 25/06/2022 06:59

Thanks for the replies, as far as I know there is no reason, and he's accepted that. When we met he assured me that his kids were really keen for him to meet someone and they were very supportive of that. Their mum has been in a new relationship for the last four years but they don't see her boyfriend, she only sees him when they aren't there, they've only met him 3 or 4 times and his older daughter thinks that's a bit strange. I suppose my main issue isn't this weekend but more that I'm disappointed because I thought you until now that we had similar parenting styles, I would never let my teens dictate something like this, but then they're very chilled and kind and respectful and I can't imagine ever having to have that conversation.

Just for context my last relationship (3 years) ended mainly because my ex would ask his sons opinion on everything he wanted to do so I felt like our whole relationship was being controlled by his child, so that could be why I'm a bit touchy about this new development

OP posts:

Original poster

MissSmiley · 25/06/2022 07:01

@Celeryfavour she can and does all of those things when I'm there anyway, by activities I only mean going out for dinner and visiting boyfriends parents for brunch, both of which she could have passed on if she'd not felt like it

OP posts:

SilverPeacock · 25/06/2022 07:04

It depends what the reason is. If it’s just that she couldn’t be arsed/wanted to spend all day on the phone to her friends or whatever then it unreasonable and rude as plans already made. I have How old is your dd?

MintJulia · 25/06/2022 07:04

If you spend most weekends and some evenings during the week there, she probably just wants some peace.

Why not invite him to yours for dinner instead. Spend a lovely day cooking with your dd and let it go.

Sometimes things get too much.

Sorrynotsorry2 · 25/06/2022 07:05

MissSmiley · 25/06/2022 06:59

Thanks for the replies, as far as I know there is no reason, and he's accepted that. When we met he assured me that his kids were really keen for him to meet someone and they were very supportive of that. Their mum has been in a new relationship for the last four years but they don't see her boyfriend, she only sees him when they aren't there, they've only met him 3 or 4 times and his older daughter thinks that's a bit strange. I suppose my main issue isn't this weekend but more that I'm disappointed because I thought you until now that we had similar parenting styles, I would never let my teens dictate something like this, but then they're very chilled and kind and respectful and I can't imagine ever having to have that conversation.

Just for context my last relationship (3 years) ended mainly because my ex would ask his sons opinion on everything he wanted to do so I felt like our whole relationship was being controlled by his child, so that could be why I'm a bit touchy about this new development

This maybe the problem . Your partners daughters mother only sees her bf when the children are not around.. do you think something may have been said to the children ?
For example " oh mum doesn't see her boyfriend when we are around. So why should dad see his girlfriend? "

Not saying it is . But you don't know what is being said behind your back .

velvetvixen · 25/06/2022 07:07

If you spend most weekends and some evenings during the week there, she probably just wants some peace

This.

custardbear · 25/06/2022 07:08

Personally I'd be blasé about it. He may worry you're not so much into him and realise his child can't direct his life.
Saying that it must be hard to see the dynamics change again as they've changed so much already for her and her mum and dad
I'd let it go, don't act too bothered and if it continues I'd be saying something to DP

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 25/06/2022 07:10

I hate to say it but I have just seen a thread like this have a unhappy ending on aibu.

Lots of people let their kids it seems dictate what goes on in their house and who their partners date. I think kids need boundaries to feel secure and shouldn't be taking on adult responsibilities as a child. It's to much pressure. Whims of kids aren't needs of kids, don't mistake the two. Putting your child's needs above yours is fair, not their whims.

I have also seen people commend dads for prioritising adult SC rooms (even when left the house) and saying any SMs kids can sleep in their room up to 7 years old on this board. Seems only to swing one way here.

Your not being unreasonable and I'm sorry because I know this isn't what you want to hear but watch out for more flags before you get more attached.

GetThatHelmetOn · 25/06/2022 07:11

Celeryfavour · 25/06/2022 06:55

It's the end of term, she's probably knackered! Maybe she doesn't want activities organised for her? Perhaps she wants to lie in bed watching Glastonbury? Or maybe she had invited one of her own friends round? Loads of possibilities. 14 year olds are people too.

That doesn’t give the kid a right to cancel activities for the whole 2 families. For her own sake, the kid should not be allowed to call the shots on what happens to the plans of several people whether the parents are together or not, unless there is huge issue that needs to be paid attention to.

Knackered after the academic year? FFS aren’t we all???

girlmom21 · 25/06/2022 07:12

I think it's good parenting to accept that she doesn't want to have to spend her weekend entertaining when she's not feeling up to it. Ultimately, it's her home you'd all be going to.

CherryReid · 25/06/2022 07:13

Your parents divorce and after a while another person turns up on the scene with their child.
a)would you prefer to just be you and your Dad and sis at the weekend
b) would you prefer to have this other person and their child staying

Hmmmmmmm, tricky not

It's up to her DF to decide he wants you and DD in his life or not and if he does he has to explain this to his DDs and let her see she is being unfair on him. If he doesn't want to tackle this then there is nothing you can do. Perhaps look for someone else or wait til DCs are older.

KatherineJaneway · 25/06/2022 07:13

I wouldn't be happy if there was no clear reason.

Tillsforthrills · 25/06/2022 07:13

Accept it gracefully, make sure it doesn’t ruin your own DD’s weekend.

Monitor to see if it happens again.

SilverPeacock · 25/06/2022 07:14

Yes on reflection maybe she does just want some peace and is tired as end of term. Maybe she is just feeling a bit crap but can’t articulate that.

THisbackwithavengeance · 25/06/2022 07:15

I would be majorly pissed off too.

Yes, she might have a good reason but given that she hasn't communicated that reason, no one knows if it's valid or reasonable.

She can be listened to and her opinions and choices respected but it's a dangerous precedent to let her start running the show.

For example, if she wanted alone time with her dad, I'm sure the OP would be happy for each family to do something separately for a couple of hours during the weekend. It's about compromise and respecting others.

Now the OP's and her DD's weekend plans are ruined at that last minute on the whim of a teenager.

I would probably let it go as a one off but think it's a dangerous precedent to set.

OverTheRubicon · 25/06/2022 07:17

Imagine if you got moved in together, but for work reasons you could only spend every second week living together - and your partner announced that his sister was now going to be staying every weekend and many weeknights. You've got no say in the matter

One weekend you say that actually you'd like to have some time with just the two of you - after all, you see him far less than she does - and he's offended. After all, you're the same age?

Of course she's reasonable to want an occasional weekend with her dad and/or without 2 others she's not related to staying in her house.

lostinwoods · 25/06/2022 07:22

I think this is a tricky one. How long have you been together?

I am only asking because in your OP you mentioned that his kids get enough time with him alone, but at the same time you spend most weekends and some week nights together. Maybe they just really want to have more time alone with their dad.

SandyWedges · 25/06/2022 07:24

How long have you been together? Is she still adjusting maybe? I think if it's just this once I'd assume she needs some space but if it becomes regular you'll need to talk to your BF.

mirrorballer · 25/06/2022 07:33

For whatever reason, it sounds like she wants some space and maybe doesn't want other people staying over.

It's a shame for the rest of you but actually kids get tired and deserve downtime too.
Having someone in your home makes it harder to just flop out and chill.

Or maybe she really needs some time with her dad this weekend?

I get it's frustrating and has impacted your plans too but there's thread after thread where parents are told to put their kids first and don't choose a partner over them.
We've got two threads going at the moment where dads have done that and that seems to be wrong too.

Suck it up, do something nice and see how it goes with the boyfriend.

mirrorballer · 25/06/2022 07:38

Also, it might turn out that there's a reason but you won't be told. She might have asked her dad not to give her reasons and that's totally ok too.