Boyfriend's daughter has pulled the plug on weekend plans

[MissSmiley]

We don't live together yet but we spend most weekends together and some nights in the week. He has his DDs 50/50. They have plenty of time on their own with their dad when I'm not there. My daughter and I (all young teens) had been invited to go and stay this weekend which is quite normal, we had planned things to do all together. Yesterday after school one of his DD decides she doesn't want us to come to stay. We get on well and there have been no problems in the past. He's agreed to her request and we're now not going. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I wouldn't let my child dictate the plans for the weekend, I would obviously find out if there was a specific reason but AIBU to not want my weekend cancelled by a 14 yo deciding that's what she wants?

I'm grateful for your opinions, I will let it go this weekend and see what happens, I certainly don't want her to be unhappy with the situation, they're lovely girls and I care about them. I haven't even mentioned it to him, but I've had great advice here before and I'm always prepared to admit when I'm wrong.

And to whoever said about my kids having needs, of course I would listen to them and take action if necessary

In a spare bedroom

@JuneJubilee have you grown up with step-siblings who you get no time or space away from apart from when you're with your other parent?

@MissSmiley it concerns me a bit that you seem to be implying that the child saying they want a weekend with just their dad is disrespectful?
Surely disrespectful would be letting you come anyway and being a brat, ruining plans etc. Actually what they've done is verbalise their needs which is a good thing.

KatherineJaneway · Today 07:13
I wouldn't be happy if there was no clear reason.“

her home, her dad. Reason enough.

@pipitchforksandflamethrowers yes that's my post! And so here I am reading about other people's issues similar to mine. I really feel your pain @missSmiley

No, but that's irrelevant. No one is saying she can't ask her Dad for some weekends just on their own if that's what she wants. Just that HIM cancelling both families plans for the entire weekend on a whim isn't on.

@Lancashiremuminthemidlands @MissSmiley you should both read the book stepmonster if your looking likely to enter the world of step.

It also explains the veiled hate your both getting on your posts shall I say veiled distain.

I would also do if this was happening at either your houses, you would also be in the wrong for having any needs at all.

As a step mum and a parent to my own dd I donthink you are being a bit ridiculous.

My dsc are nearly 19 and 17 I have been in their lives longer than I haven't so have also been doing this a long time.

Even now at their ages if they asked for time alone with their dad it is granted, even if that means altering plans for him to have out dd.

As an adult I still enjoy having time alone with my parents without the kids around or siblings.

Your post implies this I a one off so far so I really don't understand why you are so pissed off about it.

And as for not letting kids dictate...what the actual hell. I'm sorry but I suspect your parenting is not as shit hot as you think and your adult kids may have a different opinion to you.

Dp and I do not live together but he is here most weekends. Dd is nearly 9. She occasionally will ask for a mummy/daughter weekend for us to do stuff just us. Dp is always happy to give her that. I am glad he is like this and not like you!

How long have you been together? And do you sleep over there EVERY weekend?

For me, I'm afraid it's an argument in favour of keeping the DC out of new relationships. Not in a secret way, but just in a way that does not impact them, so much as blending families and living together, or even as here regularly spending the weekends together.

As an adult, it's a bit of a drag to never have downtime along without visitor even at the weekend. As an adult you are choosing to do this and can change it any time.

So, yes, I agree the DC should not be pandered to however I also don't think they should regularly have another family visiting at the weekend.

I'd row back on the regular weekend visits and monitor the situation. If he continues to pander, I'd distance myself for a few years. Good luck

Maybe she's just having a period from hell and wants to lay on the sofa watching films in her pj's all day. Or so other reason she doesn't she doesn't want to share.

You are in a bit of a limbo zone, you are there too often to be 'best behaviour guests' but you don't live together and she may not feel she can just slob around on the sofa all day, we all need that occasionally.

If this is the first time it's happened I'd let it go.

@JuneJubilee it's not irrelevant. It's suffocating.

You say they are lovely girls and you get on well.

So wouldn't it make more sense for you to assume that there must be a reason his DD wants them to have a weekend alone, rather than making this about you?

It doesn't sound like she's difficult or mean at all, so why assume the worst that she's somehow trying to control her dad or eye rolling that before you they were sad he was lonely?

She's a teenager who wants some time alone with her dad this weekend. Usually weekends are spent with you but on this one occasion she has asked that you don't stay.

You're giving this one off thing too much headspace.

So 4 out of your 5 kids opt out of this regular 'blending', how do you think they'd react if they weren't able to?

I guess the difference is my kids do more stuff on their own and seem to rely on me less for entertainment

You have had a 3 year relationship with a previous partner who had a child. You are now in a relationship with another man who has children. Maybe they don’t want to rely on you?

I agree with what @WimpoleHat said. It's fine for her to tell her dad she wants a weekend just with them. It's not ok to cancel last minute plans and really he should have said that and then made plans for a weekend with just them for their next weekend.

I wouldn't and didn't put up with a relationship where their kid called the shots.

This. Alone time together can be planned, so cancelling last minute isn't on. Comment on the 14 year-old maybe not wanting to be in hosting mode made me laugh - I've yet to meet a 14 year old who puts themselves out for guests. If this couple lived together, would the teen be justified in asking everyone to leave for the weekend? No. This request was a test. Please ignore the obvious resentment from divorcées whose children have stepparents and former step children, as another poster has said. Guilt from divorcing can make it easy for us to think that children are entitled to everything and that our happiness should come last. Would any nuclear family cancel a bbq with friends last minute because their 14 year-old said "I dont want people coming over, I want you all to myself?" I think not.

And before anyone says that nuclear family kids see their parents 100% rather than 50%, a lot depends on jobs and how much time parents invest with their kids. This teen may only live with her dad 50/50, but it may actually be more than some other kids in effect.

I think there's a reason OP has avoided answering the many posters who have asked how long she has been dating, and when she met the DD.

Fair point.

I guess the difference is my kids do more stuff on their own and seem to rely on me less for entertainment

You have five kids, the oldest only 20 so rest still pretty young. You say they spend no overnights with their dad. Yet you are also at your partners house frequently during the week and most weekends.

Of course they rely on you less. They are presumably being parented by their 20 year old sibling, or raising themselves.

I used to be a lovely kind understanding person with men who didn't behave very well. After one particulatly awful incident - bad beyond belief - I discovered my inner bitch. Srangely men loved it. Im afraid your DP would be gone - with the possible exception of a seriously expensive bunch of flowers being delivered or tickets for a delightful weekend in Paris to show the sincerity of his apology.

Maybe is having her period and she is not feeling well. I certainly wouldn't want to be around other people when having a really bad symptoms. Just a thought.

Totally agree! She can’t dictate the whole weekend!