Boyfriend's daughter has pulled the plug on weekend plans

[MissSmiley]

We don't live together yet but we spend most weekends together and some nights in the week. He has his DDs 50/50. They have plenty of time on their own with their dad when I'm not there. My daughter and I (all young teens) had been invited to go and stay this weekend which is quite normal, we had planned things to do all together. Yesterday after school one of his DD decides she doesn't want us to come to stay. We get on well and there have been no problems in the past. He's agreed to her request and we're now not going. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I wouldn't let my child dictate the plans for the weekend, I would obviously find out if there was a specific reason but AIBU to not want my weekend cancelled by a 14 yo deciding that's what she wants?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I don't go for the 'they're just kids' approach when a child's being naughty. In fact, I've had lots of discussions with people on here where I've said the exact opposite.

I don't think the DD should dictate everything but I think she should be allowed a say.

The OP spends most weekends with her partner. The DD spends half the weekends with her dad. It's ok to not want to constantly host.

If your DH said his friend was coming over every evening when you're not out at your hobby I'm sure you'd have something to say about it. The DD being 14 doesn't mean she's less entitled to feel comfortable in her own home.

Do you stay over there at weekends? Or just meet up to do activities?

If you are staying over, what are the sleeping arrangements?

I’d presume there’s a reason, maybe something happened at school or she’s not feeling well, maybe something she’s asked him not to mention to you as it’s personal. There are times that he will need to listen to his daughter and prioritise her. There’s lots of reasons that could be valid.

You say you spend most weekends together, how many weekends does his daughter get with her dad without you/your daughter being there?

^^exactly that.

You also need to reframe your thinking a wee bit. HE had cancelled your weekend plans, not his DD.

Why, for no particular reason if hers, did he choose to allow her to taste everyone's weekend plans for no particular reason?

You do understand that the poster is also a 'first husband', right? More to the point, we've all been teenagers once, and many of us realise how much we would have hated it to realise that we get to see our dad 50% of the time, but there's another teenager (who we didn't choose as a friend or necessarily get on with) who is not only seeing him more often than we are, but also there every time we go. Even if you hang out separately, unless he has a massive house (and it is still his house and hers, not yours yet), there will be a lot more sharing of space as well as time.

I have a lot of sympathy for stepmothers, it can be a thankless role. However I also think that a lot of parents in blended families (male and female) underestimate that the hardest impact can be less the parental relationship as the new step-sibling one.

All of which she could have still done.

Nice to see another thread where a parent is prioritising their child.

@JuneJubilee no she couldn't as they'd already planned things to do together.

Let's not pretend the DDs aren't probably also expected to entertain each other and there's a very real possibility they also have to share a room.

In the absence of other information, I think he’s done the right thing and would think more highly of him for it

'Entertaining'. Do me a favour.

Do your kids enjoy going to stay there? Mine would hate that!

Are you raising sheep or children? Why is it not ok that she’s expressing her needs and wants, that her dad is now taking into account.

I’d be more concerned if my partner ignored the needs of his children. It’s one weekend.. I think if it becomes frequent then maybe worthy of a chat. Otherwise right now to complain over one weekend you are coming across a bit unreasonable.

You seem to be very confident in your parenting style . However I would question whether you are allowing your kids to grow up knowing their opinion matters and they have choices…because they need that to survive later on in life and in the workplace.

Your acting like she's cut you off forever. She's not said she doesn't want her dad to have a relationship, or he's not allowed to see you. There's no indication she doesn't like you

She's purely said this weekend she doesn't want you to stay. You are a guest and not everyone wants guests all the time. Perhaps She's feeling stressed, unwell, perhaps she's had a bad week at school, fallen out with friends, broken up with her boyfriend, on her period whatever and just wants a weekend with her dad

It's irrelevant what type of parent you are, her dad is her parent and its perfectly valid to let your children have some control over their lives.

Thank you for your comments, I know this issue usually divides opinion.

Maybe it's time to go back to my original plan to only date guys who have no kids at home

If one of your kids had something bad happen at school, say, was really unhappy and needed some fuss and attention, would you give it to them or would you still have your BF and his DD over?

I do hope he's framing it as a decision that he is owning, not his DD.

How long have you been together and how long ago did you start spending tine there when she is there?

How does she yet on with your kids?

Also yes she may have wanted her dad to have a partner, but presumably she was and is still a child when she said this. The reality of it may not be everything she imagined, and might come with a range of emotions she's not worked out how to deal with yet. It doesn't mean her dad isn't allowed a partner

Only my youngest who's 12, and she gets on very well with both girls, my other kids wouldn't come, they are older

For context, they're with their dad 50/50 and I would only stay one night at the weekend, we live relatively close by so it's easy to meet up when they aren't there. My kids live with me full time but see their dad almost daily, we're very amicable

Genuinely if one of your DCs came to you and said they'd had a bad week and wanted a weekend alone with you rather than going going stay with your bf, you'd tell them to suck it up?

I'm not sure your parenting is as good as you think it is tbh

My daughter and I (all young teens) had been invited to go and stay this weekend which is quite normal, we had planned things to do all together. Yesterday after school one of his DD decides she doesn't want us to come to stay.

I think it was very rude to cancel you this time - but would be fair enough if she’d had a chat with her dad and said she’d like more weekends on their own and he acted on that in the future (ie didn’t ask you again for a while). Presumably your own DD was inconvenienced by this last minute change of plans too? I’d shrug it off and arrange to do something lovely with your own DD - but I’d probably be less enthusiastic about committing to a similar arrangement in the future.

I am fairly confident, my eldest is 20, I've been doing it a long time. Of course they know their opinions matter, I have five, they're all completely different but happy and respectful.

Or maybe just don’t involve the kids as much rather than having a strop. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe she wants a weekend without you there. You say you spent most weekends there, so why shouldn't she be able to have a weekend with you?

*a weekend without you

Where does your 12 year old sleep?

@girlmom21

the plans they had, like going to her grandparents for meals are up to her Dad whether she's made to go or not whether the OP is going or not! She could still have a friend over etc.