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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Boyfriend's daughter has pulled the plug on weekend plans

111 replies

MissSmiley · 25/06/2022 05:49

We don't live together yet but we spend most weekends together and some nights in the week. He has his DDs 50/50. They have plenty of time on their own with their dad when I'm not there. My daughter and I (all young teens) had been invited to go and stay this weekend which is quite normal, we had planned things to do all together. Yesterday after school one of his DD decides she doesn't want us to come to stay. We get on well and there have been no problems in the past. He's agreed to her request and we're now not going. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I wouldn't let my child dictate the plans for the weekend, I would obviously find out if there was a specific reason but AIBU to not want my weekend cancelled by a 14 yo deciding that's what she wants?

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 28/02/2023 07:40

Celeryfavour · 25/06/2022 06:55

It's the end of term, she's probably knackered! Maybe she doesn't want activities organised for her? Perhaps she wants to lie in bed watching Glastonbury? Or maybe she had invited one of her own friends round? Loads of possibilities. 14 year olds are people too.

So it’s ok for her to be selfish at the expense of everyone else? Jeezzzz

SunflowerTed · 28/02/2023 07:41

MissSmiley · 25/06/2022 06:59

Thanks for the replies, as far as I know there is no reason, and he's accepted that. When we met he assured me that his kids were really keen for him to meet someone and they were very supportive of that. Their mum has been in a new relationship for the last four years but they don't see her boyfriend, she only sees him when they aren't there, they've only met him 3 or 4 times and his older daughter thinks that's a bit strange. I suppose my main issue isn't this weekend but more that I'm disappointed because I thought you until now that we had similar parenting styles, I would never let my teens dictate something like this, but then they're very chilled and kind and respectful and I can't imagine ever having to have that conversation.

Just for context my last relationship (3 years) ended mainly because my ex would ask his sons opinion on everything he wanted to do so I felt like our whole relationship was being controlled by his child, so that could be why I'm a bit touchy about this new development

Totally get where you’re coming from. The 14 year old has a voice but shouldn’t be allowed to control the weekend.

SunflowerTed · 28/02/2023 07:47

JuneJubilee · 25/06/2022 09:04

'Entertaining'. Do me a favour.

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This is why we are breeding a nation of entitled snowflakes

SunflowerTed · 28/02/2023 07:52

AubadeIsIt · 25/06/2022 16:47

This. Alone time together can be planned, so cancelling last minute isn't on. Comment on the 14 year-old maybe not wanting to be in hosting mode made me laugh - I've yet to meet a 14 year old who puts themselves out for guests. If this couple lived together, would the teen be justified in asking everyone to leave for the weekend? No. This request was a test. Please ignore the obvious resentment from divorcées whose children have stepparents and former step children, as another poster has said. Guilt from divorcing can make it easy for us to think that children are entitled to everything and that our happiness should come last. Would any nuclear family cancel a bbq with friends last minute because their 14 year-old said "I dont want people coming over, I want you all to myself?" I think not.

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Totally agree

SunflowerTed · 28/02/2023 07:53

SnowWhitesSM · 25/06/2022 11:27

I agree with what @WimpoleHat said. It's fine for her to tell her dad she wants a weekend just with them. It's not ok to cancel last minute plans and really he should have said that and then made plans for a weekend with just them for their next weekend.

I wouldn't and didn't put up with a relationship where their kid called the shots.

totally Agree

GetThatHelmetOn · 28/02/2023 08:05

Sometimes I think that children of separated parents are given far too much leeway. Would you allow your teen to revoke an invitation you and your husband made to another family because she/he didn’t want them there? No, perhaps you would consider their wants and views before you invite them again but you won’t cancel the visit.

OP, I think you have all the right to be annoyed, your partner has managed the situation badly. He is the adult there but he is happy to let his teen rule the weekend for a good number of people and allowing her to think she has a say on his dad’s relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts competing with you to prove herself she is the one her dad “prefers”, which is a very unhealthy way to deal with things whether you are her dad’s partner or her own mum.

I would let this one go, if it is the first one, but if it happens again, don’t fall for it, just stop organising stuff when she is around. The nice thing of them becoming teens is that although they have a say on who they want to spend their time with, they can also chose to stay home or go to friends while you do other things.

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2023 08:17

As a one off, you have no evidence it’s letting the child dictate as opposed to being a supportive parent thinking ok we will focus on just us at home this weekend
as I think my child needs extra time.

Lavenderflower · 28/02/2023 08:23

The thing that stands out to me is that you and your partner do not live together. So it not is as though the daughter is coming to stay at your shared home. This is not a blended family situation. Essentially, you are visiting your partner. This is more like a visitor situation, where you cannot relax as much. Perhaps she just wants to relax. Perhaps, you need to see each other without children involved. I don't think if I was in your partner daughter situation that I would be happy if I had to constantly visit my dads partner or they were regulars visiting during visitation. I would find it quite disruptive. Weekend are down time, doing homework etc. I wouldn't be able to focus and concentrate in this scenario

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/02/2023 08:25

This thread is from June last year, FYI.

GetThatHelmetOn · 28/02/2023 09:10

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/02/2023 08:25

This thread is from June last year, FYI.

The joys of mumsnet! You can enter into a time warp! But thankfully nobody tells you anymore to check the other threads when you posted an issue as in the olden times 🤣

JuneJubilee · 28/02/2023 09:29

SunflowerTed · 28/02/2023 07:47

This is why we are breeding a nation of entitled snowflakes

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@SunflowerTed

I have no idea why you're dragging up an old thread.

Even less why you said that to ME. If you actually read the thread then you'd actually see what I said and as a clue, it wasn't that the child needed entertaining.

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