Boyfriend's daughter has pulled the plug on weekend plans

[MissSmiley]

We don't live together yet but we spend most weekends together and some nights in the week. He has his DDs 50/50. They have plenty of time on their own with their dad when I'm not there. My daughter and I (all young teens) had been invited to go and stay this weekend which is quite normal, we had planned things to do all together. Yesterday after school one of his DD decides she doesn't want us to come to stay. We get on well and there have been no problems in the past. He's agreed to her request and we're now not going. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I wouldn't let my child dictate the plans for the weekend, I would obviously find out if there was a specific reason but AIBU to not want my weekend cancelled by a 14 yo deciding that's what she wants?

I think it’s a bit shitty if you wouldn’t let your teens dictate plans for the weekends sometimes. So what if she just couldn’t be bothered to play host or have other people in her space? I think we all feel that way sometimes and it’s not like she does this every time you want to come over.
Its not up to you to determine how much time with her dad is enough that is for them to decide. He is right to show her that her feelings are important to him and that he values her comfort. It is also, ultimately, him who is pulling the plug on your plans not her so it feels a little much to be directing it at her. It doesn’t seem like she is a stroppy madam determined to stop her dad having a relationship at all costs she just wants a weekend off playing blended families.

It sounds like you are there on most (if not all) of the weekends that she has with her father. Maybe you should change that? I think that I would get fed up with spending so much time with people I didn't have a choice with even if I thought they were ok. As you say you think you get on well with her it seems she has made an effort for your visits, so credit to her for that.

I have teens including a 14 year old.

While in principle my kids wouldn't dictate who stays etc, I do take their needs and opinions into consideration.
My 14 sometimes wants/needs me to be home, for no partiular reason. I have just stopped doing a Monday night activity because she kept saying I'm 'always out' (I am out 2 nights per week, and her dad is home).
It isn't that she wants me to do anything particular on that Monday, she is just feeling a bit lost and needs me to be around.

You say there isn;t a 'good' reason, but with teens sometimes there isn't a concrete reason, they just need Dad/space etc. It may be that over this weekend dad discovers that there is a reason, and space to talk was exactly what she needed.

I wouldn't be happy if this happened often, but as a one off/occasinal thing, I would see it more as you DP needing to put his parenting hat on this weekend.

I think you are reacting a lot due to your experience from previous relationship. Take a step back and look at how he is as a parent as a whole picture, not just this weekend

Is there an expectation that his DDs socialise with, and play host to your DD? Do they share bedrooms?

Honestly if you're there most weekends and all expected to do things together I can see why someone might occasionally seek a break from it to do their own thing. My kids organised loads of things with friends at that age, they also had weekends where they barely moved from their beds.

I don't think it's something that you need to take personally if it's a one off.

If you get on well, there have been no previous issues then logically there is probably a reason?

If you are there almost every weekend maybe she just needs a break and some space. Cant say I'd be overjoyed at another weekend with my dad's GF and her DC. It's her home too, teens can't dictate everything but they should be allowed some say in their life. If this was a frequent occurance or a rare visit it would be different but you spend most weekends together and there's never been a previous issue

Surely you can appreciate that the DD doesn't want you and your DD around every weekend when she sees her Dad, I think it sounds far too much if you spend every weekend with your BF ... don't you want time on your own or with your own DC?
I would stop being 'available' to see your BF so much .. there's a lot going on with two teenage DDs in the mix as well.

@velvetvixen he comes to mine more often, we spend some time together when he has his kids, not all the time

What happened on the other thread?

I'm not the kind of parent who would let my child choose their own school for instance, that's my job.

Before he met me, they were sad that he was lonely 🙄 it won't be long until they all leave school, I guess the difference is my kids do more stuff on their own and seem to rely on me less for entertainment

Why cancel plans just because she's pulled out? I'd go ahead still

At what stage are divorced parents "allowed" a new relationship? Personally I think it's positive to model what a good relationship looks like when they have never seen one before

@MissSmiley I think your missing the point that a lot of these comments are coming from the mother of SC or first wives. Who essentially do not agree with blended families ect. Perspective is important when listening to comments.

I think OP is missing the point that a teenager should be allowed a say in her own weekend.

@MissSmiley op has been dating dad for a year, everything going well, teenage girl didn't want dad to date anyone. So he broke it off via telephone saying he knows he shouldn't let her rule the roost and stopped all contact

Lots people commending him for putting her first and ignoring the fact that actually a child shouldn't be dictating what a parent does. But then again perspective is everything

You are coming across as quite smug in your posts. Your children,your way of parenting blah ,blah all so perfect. May be she is tired and doesn't want the family of perfect people invading her life.

I wonder if he’d have been okay if it was your DD who cancelled the weekend when he’d made plans. If you think he’d have been completely accepting and understanding then that’s one thing. If he’d have been annoyed and felt put out then he’s obviously not being fair to do it to you.

I wouldn’t consider moving in if this is a persisting dynamic.

How long have you been dating her dad? When did you meet the DD?

@girlmom21 I think your missing the point that it's not just SC who also get a vote in a normal house...

As you have repeatedly said on multiple threads they are just kids when bad behaviour is shown. Now they should have the veto right of a adult.

Jog on. My child sometimes doesn't want to go to bed, I don't just say ok hunny stay up until 3am 🙄 and be a horror in the morning. Where is the line ? You can't date anyone because your child says so. They get a vote not a deciding role.

But thank you for providing a decent example of exactly what I mean

I'm a SM if it's relevant and I think as a one off fine. But you carry on with your plans if you can. Don't let life stop.

We don't live together yet but we spend most weekends together and some nights in the week. He has his DDs 50/50. They have plenty of time on their own with their dad when I'm not there

Maybe she just wants a weekend with her dad, if you are there most weekends when did she have a weekend with just him and her sister?

When you say 'we' who actually planned things?

I do think how long you've known them both is relevant here though. If its new then it may just be she needs to adjust a bitm

YANBU. I don't think I'd continue this relationship if he's allowing her to dictate what happens!

Of course she's reasonable to want an occasional weekend with her dad and/or without 2 others she's not related to staying in her house.

100% that. You and your DC are visitors for the weekend. That means she has to be in something akin to hosting mode all weekend, instead of just hanging out with her dad. If this is how most weekends (and some evenings) are, then she's entitled to say that she wants a weekend without visitors for once.

And yes, she might well have a good reason that she wants kept to herself and her dad.

Also be interesting to know if he had a weekend planned with his parents or close friends and would cancel it if one of his kids just didn’t fancy it.

Would a compromise be that you go to dinner and brunch as planned, without staying over? As you say, the reluctant DD can attend or not, while getting a break from house guests for the rest of the weekend.

Maybe she’s having really bad period cramps, isn’t up for company and she has asked for her privacy to be respected.