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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Holidays and step children

107 replies

allbutt21 · 19/08/2018 22:05

Do your step children come on every holiday with you ? What's fair?
My DH has 2 children (my step children ages 12 and 10) we have 2 together (ages nearly 4 and 2). We are going on holiday for the first time as a 6 next year. It's been really difficult finding accommodation for 6 and somewhere with activities for all kids. Even travel agent said accommodation for 6 is hard to find. Until now we've just done days out, overnight stays here and there, and a couple of caravan holidays in UK. I can see the elder 2 getting a bit bored of this now. (Understandably). After next year we'll be tied to school holidays, some of the prices are during school holidays. I don't think we could afford school holidays every year for 6. We will also be tied to a minimal choice of good accommodation for 6 and less choice of destination. Im also thinking its a bit unfair that our younger 2 will miss out. Do you ever alternate holidays when SC come? Does anyone know of good places that cater for 6. I think it definitely works out better if we're all inclusive too.

OP posts:

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WhiteCat1704 · 19/08/2018 22:23

Center parcs..eurocamp..you just need 3 double bedrooms..

As for the SC. We do a mix..all of us including Sd or just us with DS or just us and kids with grandparents. This year we have done all together and as a couple. We are taking DS only and SD is staying as has school.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 19/08/2018 22:28

This is such a hard dilemma. Generally the step kids will feel upset if they don’t get to holiday with you

But I’m assuming your partner pays maintenance? Could he ask to pay a bit less and save that for their holidays?

Does their mother take them away?

Original poster

allbutt21 · 19/08/2018 22:53

@whitecat1704- I will have a look at eurocamp. Thanks.

@melliegrantfirstlady - I know this is my dilemma it's soo difficult. Yes DH pays maintenance but I don't think asking to reduce it would be an option. They've just come to agreement for an increase.

And yes they go away with their mum. They have done every year, sometumes more than once. They also go on mini breaks, weekend breaks, days out, etc etc. Which obviously is mum's choice.

I was thinking of possibly alternating each year. Aghhh it's so difficult !

OP posts:

GripNeeded · 19/08/2018 22:56

Nope you have to take them. He's their DAD. Your younger two don't need expensive holidays, they more need to see you set a good example by not excluding their siblings. Just hire a self catering Airbnb whenever you can afford.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/08/2018 23:00

Don't ask if you can reduce maintenance to pay for holidays - that's terrible advice.
I think that so long as they do some holidays with their dad and are going away with their mum, it's perfectly okay to not to always take them. The way I see it is everyone is getting a holiday and no one is going without.
You could let your dh take them somewhere more suited to their ages/interests for mini breaks sometimes, rather than stress over organising a holiday that suits big and little kids.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 19/08/2018 23:08

Perhaps post in the travel boards. Or the larger families board. There are loads of MNers who have 4+ children and well practised in how to travel with them for best prices and various age ranges.

Also, most families I know, including my own, don’t have a holiday every year. That’s just life on a budget.

Im also thinking its a bit unfair that our younger 2 will miss out.

You mean they’ll all miss out. If you can’t go on holiday then they’re all missing out because your budget doesn’t allow it. Bear in mind that when the older children stop wanting to holiday with you the younger DCs will still be happy to and you’ll be able to tailor holidays to suit them until they get too old to go with you.

lunar1 · 19/08/2018 23:08

The dad needs to treat his children equally, regardless of what happens at mums. Maybe he can take two of his children one year and two the next if he can't manage the whole family he chose to have at once. He chose to have four and needs to provide for them all. No greater way to set up animosity between the 4 siblings than to exclude two.

meadowmeow · 19/08/2018 23:27

The dad needs to treat his children equally, regardless of what happens at mums.

This.

flamingofridays · 19/08/2018 23:30

The older ones arent missing out though if theyre going on several holidays with their mum

What happens when the younger ones get older and question the difference in lifestyle?

I hate this attitude of give the first kids everything and fuck the "new family"

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 19/08/2018 23:34

The older ones arent missing out though if theyre going on several holidays with their mum

They’re missing out on the holiday with their dad. Obviously. You realise it isn’t just about them having a holiday. It’s about having a holiday with their dad. If the younger two aren’t having the holiday with dad, the older two obviously aren’t having it either so they’re all missing out on the same thing. What they do with their mother is entirely irrelevant.

What happens when the younger ones get older and question the difference in lifestyle?

What difference in lifestyle?

No one said fuck the new family.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/08/2018 23:34

I have 4 dc (not a step family situation) - oldest in in their 20s, youngest is still at primary school. I do separate activities with them, since the age gap means they don't have similar interests. I honestly can't see the harm, so long as everyone gets their fair share of time/resources.

meadowmeow · 19/08/2018 23:40

I was the step child. There were so many holidays I wanted to go on with my dad and my 2 little sisters, but guess what? I got a holiday with my mum, so spending time with my dad didn't matter. Being included in his family didn't matter.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 19/08/2018 23:43

What happens when the younger ones get older and question the difference in lifestyle?

They are siblings with only one parent in common. Their lifestyles are therefore dictated by the financial/emotional/mental/physical situation of their respective parents. Inevitably that means lifestyles will be different.

I can’t imagine for one minute it would bother you if the ‘second’ family were better off. Or would you be offering to make up a financial difference when the ‘second’ set of children are enjoying a better lifestyle than the first?

MrsRyanGosling15 · 19/08/2018 23:50

Eurocamp is they way to go. I've just had the best holiday with 4dc from 1-12. Was a fraction of the price from our usual all inclusive and will be doing this for all future years.

Elliss2018 · 19/08/2018 23:57

My dc dad goes on holiday every year with his partner, they've taken my two once. His partner is pregnant now so I'm not sure how holidays will work in the future. Wouldn't really want my dc missing out, they all need to be treated equally.

EachPeachPearRum · 19/08/2018 23:57

Eurocamp and centre Parcs are the best options especially as you can drive. It's the airfare that kills you for 6. We do some holidays all 6 and some holidays just the four of us. The stepkids holiday with their mum too. It's all fine. Do a term time holiday the 4 of you and a long weekend at centre parcs all 6. Then swap it round the next year.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 20/08/2018 00:02

How can they swap it around? They can’t take the kids out of school for holidays! Also when you say swap it the next year is the four going OP DH and the two step DC? Where will they send the younger DC?

EachPeachPearRum · 20/08/2018 00:08

I meant the next year take all six of you someplace like Eurocamp for a week (in the holidays obviously!) so the long vacation is all 6 and do a long weekend break just the 4 of you.

Inniu · 20/08/2018 00:15

I have 4 kids. There are lots of options for families of 6. Mobile homes, renting apartments or houses.

I think package holidays to hotels are more difficult to get accommodation for 6 so maybe think about alternatives.

HesterMacaulay · 20/08/2018 00:18

I hate this attitude of give the first kids everything and fuck the "new family"

No one has said anything like that.

And remember the 'new family' is a family of 6. The OP had her DH's dc3 and dc4 .

RoboJesus · 20/08/2018 00:20

You can't just pick and choose what kids you take on holiday. You can't only take the little ones because they are your favourite.

SD1978 · 20/08/2018 00:22

Surely you're tied to school holidays now given they ages of your husbands kids? You knew he had two children when you chose to have a further two with him- you now have 4 children to consider. To him- I would hope, your two are not more important than the older two and should all be considered. Juts because he's not with his original wife, doesn't mean the kids and their time should he punted to the side as it's easier for you as a family of four. He has a family of six.

Glitterbaby17 · 20/08/2018 00:28

We do a bit of a mix but will take DSD on the ‘big’ trips and factor in what she will enjoy to this. She is 12 and my DD is 1. Before we had DD we had some holidays with DSD and the odd weekend away as a couple without her, so this isn’t a chance.

For example we did 6 days in Paris including Eurodisney - not what you’d naturally pick with a toddler but apart from a couple of overly late nights it worked and DSD loved it. We all got a Cottage over New Years and she liked that.

We went camping for a weekend when DSD was at her Mums with a couple of other families with young children. She was pleased this wasn’t scheduled during time she was with us as she doesn’t like camping, or want to go away with a load of young kids.

I think as his kids are older you can have a conversation and explain what you are thinking and would they want to go? Airbnbs, cottages and villas give everyone more space which is calmer all round than cramming into a hotel room. Make sure you have WiFi...

sockunicorn · 20/08/2018 00:33

@allbutt21 i grew up a stepchild and my DF has 2 more children. They were 7 years younger than me so we werent that close (as in not same age so different hobbies and needs on days out etc).

My DF would take the younger 2 on holiday with my stepmum when I wasnt with them. i NEVER got cancelled because they were away. Then during the holidays we would go away together. Never did me any damage and I never minded/noticed they went away as I wasnt supposed to be there anyway. (although i saw photographs and was told about it). My stepmum also (rather cleverly I can now see) booked their holidays at the same time as I went with my DM. so we all had a "show and tell" photo night when we got back and i had something to talk about too. then we would plan OUR next break together.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2018 00:35

How about going on holiday wheb they're away with their mum (not all the time of course), that way they are having fun, while you're away with the younger ones.

Is their dad taking then away on his own occasionally an option? Could be for a long break. They'd probably enjoy the time just with him, without the younger ones.

Something like eurodisney for example...a 10 and 12 year old can go on the bigger rides that your DC can't and won't be held back.

Then if you, he and your DC went away, they wouldn't feel left out, because they'd had a holiday with dad already. You would be able to focus on your DC and tailor your holiday to their age.

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