Holidays and step children

[allbutt21]

Do your step children come on every holiday with you ? What's fair?
My DH has 2 children (my step children ages 12 and 10) we have 2 together (ages nearly 4 and 2). We are going on holiday for the first time as a 6 next year. It's been really difficult finding accommodation for 6 and somewhere with activities for all kids. Even travel agent said accommodation for 6 is hard to find. Until now we've just done days out, overnight stays here and there, and a couple of caravan holidays in UK. I can see the elder 2 getting a bit bored of this now. (Understandably). After next year we'll be tied to school holidays, some of the prices are during school holidays. I don't think we could afford school holidays every year for 6. We will also be tied to a minimal choice of good accommodation for 6 and less choice of destination. Im also thinking its a bit unfair that our younger 2 will miss out. Do you ever alternate holidays when SC come? Does anyone know of good places that cater for 6. I think it definitely works out better if we're all inclusive too.

Brilliant response. I guess you win with that genius remark 😂

its not about making "genius remarks" its about living in the real world, you clearly do not.

You're making yourself look like a bit of a tit.

The older children shouldn’t be denied a holiday with both their parents just because the budget would mean a less luxurious holiday.

Sorry but their parents divorced therefore there won't be holidays with both their parents again. As far as budget goes NRP, in this case dad, pays RP maintanace and she can afford to take children on holidays. If dad has extra money he can take his children again but if he doesn't priority goes to two younger ones who don't get to go at all.

Sometimes my stepkids came on holiday with us and sometimes they didn't. We don't go on holiday every year, so there's only a few they've missed out on (or chosen not to go)

They're adults now and don't seem too traumatised by missing out on a couple of caravan holidays in various parts of the UK.

I would probably take them now as by the time they're teens they might not want to join you. My stepson chose not to once he was a teenager. My own son has chosen not to the last couple of times we've been away.

It's not always possible to treat children exactly the same. Surely the important thing is to meet their individual needs. I've not given all my dc exactly the same things, but have ensured they have what they needed when they needed it.
If the OPs dsc are getting a nice holiday woth their mum and sometimes a nice holiday with their dad, I honestly don't think they will grow up damaged, just because their dad sometimes went away with his wife and little kids. So long as they feel loved and supported in their lives, generally, I think they will be okay.
Obviously, if they never had any holidays or time with their dad, it would be a different matter.

If they regularly go away with their DM then I'd try to find out dates far enough in advance to book a trip of similar length on the same dates. That way they aren't missing out on a holiday, just on a holiday with dad. Then the next one they are invited etc.

As PPs have said, chances are as they get older they will want to go less and less. And if you choose holidays that are more aimed at younger DC I'd imagine they wouldn't be too fussed anyway.
Surely you don't refuse to take your DC out for the day because the older two aren't there? I don't see why holidays should be any different.

All the holidays that we go on dsc comes with us. We’re a big family and not been abroad yet (I actually couldn’t think of anything worse with little ones), so we have nice holidays in the UK during school holidays. Would never think not to have dsc there.

However, my parents take my children away for a few days each year but don’t take dsc as they have had plenty of holidays with their own grandparents and obviously their mum too. I don’t feel bad about it one bit.

If the step children were 15/17, I could understand you saying they would get bored of uk holidays after a while, but they are 10/12!

Why are you saying that you now have to go in school hols-surely you always have if you’ve taken the step children? Or have you never taken them before?

If you are trying to book an all inclusive holiday for 6 in school holidays, yes it might well be expensive. We are a family of that size and have never gone all inclusive-with kids of different ages, we found it much easier to have a self catering house with a lounge/dining room/garden etc where everyone has got room to do their own thing and not be all perched on a hotel bed.

You actually come across sounding like you want an all inclusive holiday for 4 and want your husband’s children to go away, but I hope that’s not what you mean. You have 4 children-all quite young, it will be easy to find a house/villa with 3 bedrooms somewhere for you all.

Ok flaming, we’ve nothing more to say to each other.

Sorry but their parents divorced therefore there won't be holidays with both their parents again.

Umm, I meant a holiday with each parent. Not a holiday with their parents together!

OPs budgeting issues would still exist if the DSCs weren’t having holidays with their mother. What would the excuse for not taking them be then?

that they're not her kids?

ps. she doesn't need an excuse

The only way it could possibly be equal on the children is if OP and her DH also split up.

I am a step child / half sibling. I was excluded from the more expensive 'family' holidays that my dad went on. It does not feel good - no amount of holidays with mum can make up for that feeling of rejection.

The DC did not choose this situation and it's not fair to expect a child to understand the politics of why they are treated differently to their new, more adorable siblings who dad already wants to spend far more time with. It's weird enough knowing that 50% of your nature and probably 90% of your nurtured personality have been influenced by a woman (mum) who dad and step mum don't particularly like. Really it's quite spiteful to give them solid examples of where they weren't wanted.

At 4 & 2 I fail to see what the younger children are meant to be missing out on - time spent with their siblings bonding is surely far more valuable than a flash hotel or resort abroad.

I think it definitely works out better if we're all inclusive too.

Why? Better for who?

These threads always go the same way and always miss the more important: what do the eldest actually want?

Some would genuine not be bothered maybe because they already enjoy nice holidays, they are not interested in the type of holiday their dad can afford and/or they don't feel they need to fight fir their dad's affection because he is a fantastic dad anyway. They might be mature and caring enough to understand that by them going, they deprive their siblings of a nicer holiday that they get to enjoy with their mum.

On the other hand holiday might be the best time they have with their dad, they might wait with anticipation for that time because they then to enjoy a more relaxed and fun dad or indeed they might already feel a bit insecure and feel replaced by the other kids.

Ultimately it is the dilemma of the dad and he should make the decision listening to his eldest kids' needs and go from there. If he thinks he would harm them emotionally to go without them he should not go with any of his children but support the SM to go with their joint kids with her income whilst dad can try to save to help finance going with all of them every few years.

This way both set of kids get to go on holiday with their mum and every few holidays get to go with their dad too. That's the fairest for the kids even if not the preferred choice for the adults.

We've never been away without stepson and wouldn't take our children together away and leave him out.
His mother on the other hand doesn't take him away and waits for us to do so before pissing off abroad with her partner (whole other story tho haha)

I think if they were older then it would be different - as in even your own 15/16 year olds wouldn't want to come away. But I was definitely still enjoying holidays with my parents and family at 12 years old!!

I think they best thing would alternate it. I have two stepkids, a son and a joint son together. We could never afford to take them all abroad as his girls would need passports and very expensive travel insurance for the youngest girl. So next year we are going abroad as my family have paid. The year after we are going to Butlin's or somewhere similar in the U.K. for a week with them all. Then the following year we will be going away with just the two boys.

It's a hard dilemma as we can't go abroad with all of them but why should the boys miss out and not go on holidays just because their stepsisters can't when their mum is looking at taking them abroad next year anyways. So their step sisters would get a holiday and they wouldnt.
If we go abroad with Thomson as a family
Of 4 we get one kids free place and the baby is free. So we only pay two adults. With taking the girls we would nearly pay double as we would also have to go in school
Holidays. As although we would be happy to just pay the fine their mum isn't.

Don't feel guilty. It's always so hard to make it as fair as possible

It's not your boys who should miss out but your OH. If he can't offer this to some of his children why should he get to go?

You shouldn't feel guilty your OH should though.

Ok so when you write a post it makes sense in your head but May be it doesn't make as much sense to the readers.

Firstly we haven't been abroad before, next year will be our first time as a 6 (not even been as a 4 or 5 ) which we are all really looking forward to. With regards to being tied to school holidays, my eldest goes to school next year so all holidays will have to be in school hols. The caravan trips, overnight stays and day trips as a 6 have all been in school hols but they're nowhere near as expensive as a holiday abroad. And I'm always on the look out for offers / vouchers etc. As my 2 are quite young most things have been geared towards the elder 2, but my DC are now coming to ages where they can enjoy activities etc.

To the PP who asked about doing days out etc in term time therefore without SC. Yes we have done it, however, it is very much frowned upon by SC mum and she believes it is wrong. However, that is a whole other thread and not the point of this one. Hence why I think if we booked a holiday at the same time as she took the children away, she would say it would be deliberate to avoid them coming with us. Not in the positive way it could be, but she would use it against us ti the children. Which we don't want.

Also our holiday next year is in spring half term and not summer hols so it is cheaper.
I don't want expensive/ luxury holidays every year just a nice treat to look forward to whatever and whenever it May be. I was merely thinking (probably way too far!!) In advance about the year after and looking at the prices for package all inclusive hols in the summer hols. But I readily accept what is out of my budget and would not book something I could not afford. I was thinking all inclusive was a good option so the kids can go and help themselves to drinks, ice cream and snacks etc without having to worry about a budget for it. Also whilst my 2 DC and one of my SC will eat practically anything 1 is far far pickier. That way I was thinking they could try lots of different things but always go back to the staples if they didn't like it. However, if anybody has other suggestions of what works well I'm all ears. Also I cook, wash and clean 7 days a week was also thinking it would be a break for me too

In addition I was thinking that a hotel type accommodation would also provide us with activities and some entertainment.

I was genuinely wondering how larger families blended or not sort their holidays and looking for any advice. Hence I've ordered a eurocamp brochure today! I like that they will also help you with travel arrangements and there looks to be some amazing destinations. Anybody have any recommendations or places to avoid ?

I'm also willing to stay in the UK, we don't have to go abroad it's just I was looking at genuinely quite shocked at the cost of some holidays.

I think I would panic and worry about booking all elements of a holiday separately ie if i book accommodation on specific dates, what if i then cant get flights ?? Or make suitable travel arrangements. I am a bit of a worrier but I suppose I may have to learn if this option is better than going through an agent.

As for what my SC do with their mum, that is nothing to do with us quite rightly. Although as stated earlier she feels she has the right to have an opinion on what days out we may do as a 4. And no these have never impacted on the SC contact time with us.

Thanks to everyone with suggestions for different types of holidays for me to look into - think I'll need a holiday after all the organising and planning !!

Good luck in your holiday search OP!

In your shoes OP I would probably aim to have one all inc. foreign holiday with all 6 of you and then you’ve done it, it’s a holiday to remember that you’ve all experienced together and then after that go for mini breaks, camping type stuff. Rather than hoping to get an AI holiday every year. We had one last year for the first time ever in 12 years as a family and I told the DC that it will likely be the only one we have. We didn’t get away at all this year due to finances and DC are fine with that because they had last year away. Next year will be back to a caravan or glamping hut. If the money is there.

To the PP who asked about doing days out etc in term time therefore without SC. Yes we have done it, however, it is very much frowned upon by SC mum and she believes it is wrong.

I think days out are totally different to holidays. Why should your children not do anything just because they have a sibling at school?

My eldest children are at school and I have one preschooler. I don’t just not do things with him because the others are at school. A couple of months ago before school broke up for summer, we (me, dp and our youngest) had a lovely day out at the farm and the park where there were rides.
If I can go on days out without some of my OWN children then you certainly can go on days out without your stepchildren. Don’t let her mum make you feel like you can’t.

@funinthesun18 exactly !! Why should my children not do anything at all. If everything is outside of the rules for them as the 'second family' then that is unfair. I don't let her bother me. The things we have done without SC are 99% of the time aimed at my children's ages rather than theirs, even when we have done the odd one in school hols. And that was because I was offered some tickets from a family member who couldn't make it with their own children.

@ifIwasabird.... maybe a caravan holiday should continue to be our main holiday after next year. I think I need to research some different caravan parks with different activities.

When your stepchildren were little I bet they got to go on nice days out so why shouldn’t your children have the same? That’s my way of thinking anyway. I’m cherishing the days with my youngest best before he starts school, and you should be able to too without feeling like you can’t just because your stepchild’s mum is in a huff about it.

Regarding your holiday, I do rate holidays in the UK We have a big family too and there is no way I could cope with a holiday abroad for at least 5+ years yet, so it’s nice holidays in the UK for us for now.

My exH took his new family away on holiday one year and told our son that he couldn’t come as it would be too expensive.
My son always had a holiday with me so he didn’t miss out on holidays but that utterly broke his heart and I have never forgotten dealing with my sons anguish at being less important. He will never forget it either.

Do not do it.

I now have a stepson too and he is always invited to every holiday or day out. He is 17 now and often chooses not to come but it is his choice.

Honestly OP all my holidays as a child were in a caravan. I didn’t know abroad holidays was a thing until I went to secondary school and I didn’t go abroad myself until I was 16. And this was in the 90’s/00’s. I never felt like I had missed out. We loved the caravan parks.