Holidays and step children

[allbutt21]

Do your step children come on every holiday with you ? What's fair?
My DH has 2 children (my step children ages 12 and 10) we have 2 together (ages nearly 4 and 2). We are going on holiday for the first time as a 6 next year. It's been really difficult finding accommodation for 6 and somewhere with activities for all kids. Even travel agent said accommodation for 6 is hard to find. Until now we've just done days out, overnight stays here and there, and a couple of caravan holidays in UK. I can see the elder 2 getting a bit bored of this now. (Understandably). After next year we'll be tied to school holidays, some of the prices are during school holidays. I don't think we could afford school holidays every year for 6. We will also be tied to a minimal choice of good accommodation for 6 and less choice of destination. Im also thinking its a bit unfair that our younger 2 will miss out. Do you ever alternate holidays when SC come? Does anyone know of good places that cater for 6. I think it definitely works out better if we're all inclusive too.

I think I’d say to DH to take them away somewhere for a week on their own. Then have a few camp weekends in the Uk together as 6, and then a holiday of the 4 of you. That way they get some alone ime with dad, some weekends away with you all, and the littles get an age appropriate holiday too. It doesn’t have to be all 6 of you all the time, work out a compromise that suits your family

Take little ones outside of school holidays for now and everyone together for a cheaper break in the UK or eurocamp. We drive and ferry/tunnel as so much cheaper than airfare for six.
My baby is very young but our plan is breaks us three in school time while he's too young as cheaper plus a family holiday in school holidays for everyone.
We went to Wales this year and kids loved it, beaches crabbing swimming and BBQs. It dosnt always have to be expensive

The way I see it is that your husband has 4 children and all should be treated equally. If you can't afford expensive holidays for all then why should he choose between them as to which ones get to go.

What difference in lifestyle

the older ones go on several holidays and the younger ones go on none.

do you really think the older kids wont mention it? its not fair

nobody has said fuck the new family, but they have said its ok for the small kids to miss out but the big kids aren't allowed to miss out.

I don’t agree that their Dad needs to treat all children equally as that can lead to inequality eg if OP’s children have a family holiday every other year, because that’s the only way to afford taking all of them, meanwhile the step children have 1-2 holidays with their Mum every year, then it is OP’s children who miss out. I think some holidays with their mum and some holidays with their dad is fine.

What sometimes people forget with step children is whatever they get in OP’s house is only half of what they get from their parents in terms of holidays, Xmas presents etc. For example, if your DH spent £100 on each child for Xmas it would mean the older children get £100 plus whatever their mum gets them and the younger ones just get £100 as that represents their gift from Mum and Dad. It’s a crude example but I think illustrates the point.

The difference in lifestyle would be very obvious and easy to explain -“DC 1+2 Mum has more money than us so she can afford to take them away more.” As is the case in many separated families.

but they have said its ok for the small kids to miss out but the big kids aren't allowed to miss out.

It’s not up to DC1+2 Mum to provide holidays for her ex husband’s other children. She provides for the children she had, he has to provide for the children he had. It’s not her fault he had two more children and can’t afford to take them all on holiday. He doesn’t just get to excuse himself from that with two of his children because their mother is covering it. Not unless he just wants to OP to take their two small Dc away on her own every year. That would be the equivalent of what is happening with the older DC. All Dc going away with their mum and none having a holiday with dad.

I think if you can only afford one holiday per year you really need to take all of them as otherwise the eldest are not getting a holiday with their dad. The fact that it is expensive and difficult is really neither here nor there. I’m sure there are options. It will also be bonding for the siblings. I’d be pretty surprised if any parent was happy with missing out on holidaying with half their children!. If you can afford ‘extra’ breaks (which are not the main holiday or something the eldest would really miss out on) then if handled right I would have thought you could do it with just the youngest.

But I’m not in this situation!

And yes, the children get from both their parents, their parents are separated. Of course they get separate gifts FGs!!

Can you book your holiday to coincide with their mother taking them on holiday? And then having a weekend away with the stepchildren.

Perhaps you could suggest only giving the SDC Christmas presents on alternate years. Because they already get from their mum.

The difference in lifestyle would be very obvious and easy to explain -“DC 1+2 Mum has more money than us so she can afford to take them away more.” As is the case in many separated families

its not that simple though is it, its more like we have enough money to take you but we cant because the older kids cant go too. even though they get to go several times a year anyway

basically, everyone thinks its unfair for the stepkids to miss out on 1 holiday, even though they get several more,

but absolutely fine for small kids to have no holidays at all ever for god knows how long

[hmmm]

FGS the point is everyone is talking about equality but things are not equal in these circumstances where there are two homes!

We do a mix.

Ex won't let us have SS, would rather put him in childcare, so sadly, he has to miss out on occasions due to her many issues.

We try and book as much as we can with him, but it's not always possible.

I wouldn't book to exclude him, we would always try and book to include him where possible, which has sometimes been at the detriment to the rest of us, but sadly that's the life of step families.

Three bedroom accommodation is not difficult at all to find. Every single country in the world has plenty of three bedroom apartments, houses and villas.

its more like we have enough money to take you but we cant because the older kids cant go too. even though they get to go several times a year anyway

So what that actually means is “daddy can only afford to have two children and he has picked his favourites.”

the point is everyone is talking about equality but things are not equal in these circumstances where there are two homes!

Again, obviously, when people say equality, they mean equality from the one parent. I.e; that one parent treating his four children equally. Two of them don’t live with him, so they are already getting less time with their dad than the smaller children. Does the fact they get a holiday with their mum make up for that?

Unfortunately, if more Dc are born, the family budget does get tighter and that may well mean fewer holidays.

Taking the little ones away when the elder are on holiday is OK - families (whether blended or not) do this when older ones have school trips, activity residentials etc. But crucialy there is a family holiday all together as well. That cannot be dispensed with, and yes, separate hols for the little ones have to be foregone if not everything can be paid for.

Look for caravan/chalet sites near places with plenty to do, as you will easily find sleeps-6 accommodation, try dependent sites as well as the likes of Haven. Then you can do things like drop the elder at surf school, poss with Dad watching, whilst you bucket and space with little ones. Then all come together after a couple of hours.

You might also usefully look at cottages, and if finances improve, villas. And as the elder could share a separate hotel room, that would expand choices too.

And if all else fails, buy a tent.

And like I said at the start- older DCs will stop holidaying with you in the next handful of years. The small Dc will then get holidays tailored and budgeted for them.

"After next year we'll be tied to school holidays"

As two of the family DC are 10 and 12, surely you are already tied to school holidays. Especially as the oldest child of the family is at secondary?

I think the fact that they are getting holidays with their mum could make up for the fact they make get fewer holidays with their dad. That isn’t necessarily a reflection of how much or little quality time they get with their dad.

Does the fact they get a holiday with their mum make up for that?

no, but it does make up for the fact they are missing out on one holiday with their dad.

its irrelevant that they don't live with him we have no idea of the circumstances

Im also thinking its a bit unfair that our younger 2 will miss out.

they are not missing out,

they are just not getting the holidays that their family can't afford, like every other child in the world!

there is no necessity for any child to have expensive holidays, its a luxury, and if you can't take 6, then it is a luxury outside your budget, and you will need to look at something cheaper.

Camping, etc or other UK holidays

Of course it’s relevant that they don’t live with him! It means they aren’t getting the same dad experience as his smaller children. They get him full time, and every holiday he has, they’re with him. They get fun relaxed dad on holiday. Older two aren’t getting that.

they are missing out. the older kids are getting to go abroad, the younger kids are not

whatever way you look at it the older kids are getting several holidays and the younger ones are getting none.

also, having 1 week holiday a year doesn't make up for not living with your parent any more does it? I mean come on.

the same "dad experience" well the only solution to that is that he ditches op and goes back to his ex wife...