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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to sympathise with absent fathers?

121 replies

WayBelowTheRainbow · 31/10/2014 00:15

Don't get me wrong, before I even get started, I would never condone a father walking out on a child. And most of the time I think it's disgusting that people can do that.. But the way my life is going at the minute.. I am slightly beginning to sympathise..

My DP has 16 month old DS from his previous relationship with EXgf. Now, me and DP have been together for a while and I was definitely not the OW. I am not kidding EXgf has made both mine and DP life a living hell to the point where there has been numbers changed because of harassment and house moves because of it all.. It's getting beyond the point where it's bearable.. She has said that if he gives up his parental responsibility so she can have DS to herself she will stop.. Therefore she is making it near enough impossible for DP to see his son, now DP would never give up on his son because he loves him more than life itself. But it doesn't make me wonder, AIBU to sympathise with fathers who do give up (only in situations like this, no other circumstance would I ever even consider it)

Probably gonna get a bit of a backlash but needed somewhere to rant as well as ask!

OP posts:

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Purpleroxy · 31/10/2014 00:21

He needs a court order.

Original poster

WayBelowTheRainbow · 31/10/2014 00:28

We are in the process however we had to stop half way through a whole back because we literally just couldn't afford to solicitor fees and all that side of things

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 31/10/2014 00:31

His son is 16 months old and you've been together "for a while". How long?

Original poster

WayBelowTheRainbow · 31/10/2014 00:35

Just under a year, which I know isn't that long, feels like a lifetime with all the stuff that's happened

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 31/10/2014 00:44

Absent fathers who give up on their DC are arseholes. I've begged XH to ring DD once a week, begged him to have her in the holidays. He sees her EOW and that is already dropping off now he's moved away.

There should be a law to force absent fathers to maintain contact with their DC.

I appreciate it must be difficult for your DP, but he cannot give up on his own child. the mother sounds a disgrace if that's what she is doing but its not the child's fault.

Original poster

WayBelowTheRainbow · 31/10/2014 00:54

I have to agree with you in that circumstance Skye, arsehole

I know that you're right and for sure that DP would never do that, as said in OP he loves his son more than anything. I guess I've just kind of reached the end of my tether with EXgf behaviour tonight

OP posts:

SpuffySummers · 31/10/2014 06:31

My Dad gave up. Why? Because he weighed 8stone and ended up in hospital with stomach ulcers and a nervous breakdown due to not eating to afford court orders which were ignored by my "mother" and her constant campaign of harassment.

There is a huge difference between men who can't be arsed like my nephews wank stain of a father who he's never met and men who are driven away by vicious vindictive bitches who destroy their exs and their children in the process.

FWIW I have been NC with my Mum for 8 years and barely had anything to do with her in the 4 years prior to that, she is the very definition of toxic and abusive.

SpuffySummers · 31/10/2014 06:32

And to add, I am incredibly close to my Dad.

WakeyCakey45 · 31/10/2014 07:07

Thank you for sharing your experience, spuffy, it gives me hope that one day, I may see DHs DCs again.

I'm sorry your mum was unable to put your needs before her own feelings; sadly, it seems as common, if not more prevelant, nowadays as it was a generation or two ago.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 31/10/2014 07:08

I agree woth spuffy. There is a total difference between lazy arse fathers and those who have to leave a toxic relationship. So you are allowed tobsympathise when your dp is doing/ has done what he can. i think he needs a cpurt order too but mean while i would encourage him to keep trying though. His ex obviously has nothing in her life and you guys just need to be united and you need to be there for him. (I kno you would be anyway)
xx

SpuffySummers · 31/10/2014 07:23

WakeyCakey There is always hope. My Dad moved back to our hometown just after I turned 13 and I took myself up there frequently, she would ground me to try and stop me from going but she really didn't have any say in the matter once I was old enough to go up of my own accord and I actually moved in with him aged 16. My two younger DSis then followed suit once I moved in and began visiting regularly. One of my DSis has virtually NC with her too.

Kids grow into adults. They grow curious. They remember events differently to what the toxic parent tells them. They realise exactly who the toxic parent is. It takes a few years and its hard during that time but the majority do find their way back to estranged parents.

bakingaddict · 31/10/2014 07:26

Who called time on the relationship because from what you've said he was with you when his DC was 4 months old. How long before that had they split.

I'm not judging just pointing out her anger may come from being without a partner in those first month's of your babies life when sleep deprivation makes you feel like a completely different person and I imagine without support it's 10 times harder. It seems to me that the exGF is lashing out maybe because of this. Hope you manage to get it all sorted out for the child's sake

Ludways · 31/10/2014 07:34

I agree, but I'll take it further, I also think a father should be allowed to maintain a relationship with their children regardless of how the relationship with the mother broke down. If the father/child relationship is caring, loving and safe then it should be maintained.

WakeyCakey45 · 31/10/2014 07:41

If the father/child relationship is caring, loving and safe then it should be maintained.

There are many mothers who would argue that a father who has ended a marriage, left a family or merely disagreed with the mother cannot be a caring, loving father.
The behaviour of the father towards the mother is often used as evidence that the father is worthless and uncaring of the DCs and that the DCs would be better off without them.

Hakluyt · 31/10/2014 07:59

Hmm. So he had left her and moved on to another relationship by the time their baby was 4 months old. Might this have something to do with her anger, do you think?

WakeyCakey45 · 31/10/2014 08:04

hakluyt what makes you think that he left? There's nothing in the OP that indicated how the relationship broke down? Is there a backstory on another thread?

BatsCantTwerk · 31/10/2014 08:13

Hi op,

Has your dp looked into representing himself at court instead of using a solicitor? It really is not as frightening as it sounds.

You really need to get a court order asap.

PesoPenguin · 31/10/2014 08:13

Ofgs the op States quite clearly she wasn't the OW yet still she gets the blame! If they split during early pregnancy, the dp and his ex could have been split up for more than a year before the op came on the scene. But no, this is mumsnet so the op is an evil, father stealing OW and the mother is all hard done to.

Sorry for the rant op, I sympathise with you and your dp. All I can say is keep going for the dc's sake. Also log any incidents, save texts and emails etc

Hakluyt · 31/10/2014 08:16

Absolutely no blame directed at the OP AT ALL. Just a suggestion that the mother of her dp's child might feel a tad aggrieved at his behaviour.

WakeyCakey45 · 31/10/2014 08:24

Just a suggestion that the mother of her dp's child might feel a tad aggrieved at his behaviour.

"Tad aggrieved"???? I'd hate to be on the receiving end of your ire if you think the behaviour the OP describes of the ex is justified because she's "a tad aggrieved".

What happens when she's really upset? Does that justify physical assault?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 31/10/2014 08:28

I was about to say the same as batscanttwerk your dp can represent himself in court a solicitor isnt always needed.

DP's ex is a nightmare and regularly stops contact when she feels like it, we couldnt afford a solicitor so with a lot of help from mackenzies friends (google them) and families need fathers, dp represented himself.

He know has a court order that specifies when he can have them and when he can call and the judge made it very clear that if ex didnt comply she would be in contempt of court.

To answer your question no I dont think its ever acceptable for a father to walk away without putting up a fight, I think its important that the children see that their dad has tried even if the ex makes it impossible, and I say that as a sm who has had death threats and been physically assaulted by dp's ex, it would be so much easier for both of us if dp just gave in and let her win but he loves his children and I love him because he does (and I love my dsc) and they deserve a relationship with their dad.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 31/10/2014 08:29

And before anyone asks no I wasnt the OW they had been seperated for a year before I met DP and 2 yrs before we moved in together.

Mampire · 31/10/2014 08:33

that's very rare. don't make the mistake of sympathising with all absent fathers.

I bent over so far backwards to accommodate my x but it was never far enough. NEVER. he took, I gave, and if I paused to BREATH he screamed at me that I was selfish. But no doubt his new gf (poor woman) believes that I'm selfish and awkward and a money grabber etc.

Your bf's xgf might be crazy, but don't ever make the mistake of adopting a blanket sympathy for absent fathers or you'll make yourself look very naive.

Petal02 · 31/10/2014 10:08

As someone said earlier, you can't give blanket sympathy to absent fathers, it all depends on the circumstances.

Some men do turn their back on their children, which is really sad. However others do everything in their power to maintain a relationship, often with a manipulative ex making things as difficult as possible.

Original poster

WayBelowTheRainbow · 31/10/2014 10:24

Also to throw into the mix, I have an absent father who.. I despise for what he did.. But it was completely different circumstances, he had his chances. Which means I know where you're all coming from at whatever angle.. Which is why the first thing I said was, it's never okay, BUT... Blah blah blah.

This has all made me feel a little better to know that it's not me that's going crazy!

Thanks spuffy that gives me a little hope for the future!

No the back story is not a particularly complicated one, she cheated on DP when DS was around 2 months (couldn't believe it until I actually found out who the guy was and know him so spoke to him for confirmation!) told DP that if he didn't start 'treating her right' then she would leave him for the other guy, he said fine, other guy had no interest in staying with her, so she crawled back to DP and begged to take her back and he said no, which does explain where the anger comes from I guess, being rejected but still, no excuse for the behaviour!

Thanks for he advice on representing ourselves guys.. Will have too look further into it. At the end of the day the court order route is the one we're going down, DP would never give up on his DS!

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