AIBU to sympathise with absent fathers?

[WayBelowTheRainbow]

Don't get me wrong, before I even get started, I would never condone a father walking out on a child. And most of the time I think it's disgusting that people can do that.. But the way my life is going at the minute.. I am slightly beginning to sympathise..

My DP has 16 month old DS from his previous relationship with EXgf. Now, me and DP have been together for a while and I was definitely not the OW. I am not kidding EXgf has made both mine and DP life a living hell to the point where there has been numbers changed because of harassment and house moves because of it all.. It's getting beyond the point where it's bearable.. She has said that if he gives up his parental responsibility so she can have DS to herself she will stop.. Therefore she is making it near enough impossible for DP to see his son, now DP would never give up on his son because he loves him more than life itself. But it doesn't make me wonder, AIBU to sympathise with fathers who do give up (only in situations like this, no other circumstance would I ever even consider it)

Probably gonna get a bit of a backlash but needed somewhere to rant as well as ask!

Good point Needaholidaynow - a parent who has regular contact is hardly 'absent.'

I don't think someone who has contact is classes as an 'absent father' I'm talking about those who walked away and have nothing to do with them anymore..

As you know from experience, OP, the truth all comes out in the end anyway. If his ex wants to be remembered by her own child as the one who tried to prevent him seeing his father as a baby, then that's her choice.

And I know of one such parent where the father died when he was in his teens. The guilt has pushed the mother to alcohol and the anger has sent the boy to self-destruction. This is a worst-case scenario but a very real potential consequence of antagonistic parents.

Once you have children you will always have a relationship with the parent, through your child - people seem to forget that.

A lot of the time fathers call their exes manipulative because they won't accommodate what suits them 100%. My x wouldn't have been unusual. I have gradually trained him over the years not to walk all over my needs and to have to behave in a way that the outside world recognises as a compromise, but there are so many fathers who will walk away with a shrug blaming the mother for being "manipulative" when in reality what she has done is try to suggest meeting half way. For my x in his old mindset when we split up, anything that was not 100% his way made him see red. This way of reacting after a split isn't uncommon.

I wish my ex would be absent. Hes is a toxic stain on all of our lives and the world would be a better place without his carbon footprint.
Please note though that i bend over backwards to maintain contact between him and the kids, despite his blantent lack of interest, and my desperate prayers for him to be hit by a bus are said in my head, not out loud.

There should be a law to force absent fathers to maintain contact with their DC.

I totally disagree. It does DC no favours to be forced to have contact with somebody who doesn't give a shit about them and doesn't want them. (OP I'm not saying this is the case with your DP, it's obviously a different situation.)

As I see it there are three main situations where the DC father is absent.

One is the situation as in the OP, this is awful and stressful and yes I agree you should seek court proceedings.

The second would be when they basically don't want the responsibility of being a father and think it doesn't really matter since the mother is caring for the child, so just don't bother doing it. (I think in this situation they should be made to make the choice, either officially give up their child for "adoption" ie sole care of the mother, no contact unless child wants to initiate when they are 18, or be forced to provide financial support at the very least.)

The last one is where they basically find it too painful to see their DC less than they would like to or to have to "hand them back", I sympathise with this one but also find it hard to stomach, because they're putting their own hurt feelings above those of their DC. I understand that mental health issues (and I'm sure such events could cause depression if MH issues were not present anyway) can make people behave in selfish ways, so it's very conflicted for me. I don't know whether my ex is in category two or three, TBH.

I have gradually trained him over the years not to walk all over my needs and to have to behave in a way that the outside world recognises as a compromise

"Trained him"? What is he, a performing seal?

I understand that everyone needs to set their own boundaries, and shouldn't tolerate disrespect or abuse from others, but the motivation for that should be self-respect, not the behaviour modification of the other parent.

If one parent walks away because the other parent is attempting to "manage" them into submission, then the blame lies equally, IMO.

no, he certainly is not a seal. He managed me for 8 years and got very angry when I asserted myself, which was not an overnight process. It made him incredibly angry at first. I think he has a problem, npd. He has no concept of what normal behaviour is and he will suck the life and energy and joy out of those around him, still all the while convinced of their selfishness.

and when I say the outside world, I mean the court system. I had nothing to fear from going to court because it wasn't me who couldn't compromise. It was never me that couldn't compromise.

In the very early days after his divorce (before I met DH) my DH was put in a ridiculous situation by his ex - she tried to insist he could only have access if he observed the most ridiculous pick-up/drop-off times, meaning he'd really struggle to hold down a job, the ex was a SAHM and was just being awkward. This meant DH didn't see his children for nearly a month, and of course the ex was telling everyone who'd listen that DH had abandoned his children.

So (and this is the only time I've ever known him fight fire with fire) he had to threaten to drastically reduce maintenance if she didn't stop being so stupid. Money is the only thing that gets the ex's attention, and DH's threat eventually got things back on a sensible footing.

But this example is what I mean about 'a manipulative ex' - some of them thrive on making things tough.

Yup my Dh's ex tells everyone that DH, and her more recent ex whom she had a child with too have "abandoned her". Apparently she cares for the children sacrificing everything while they swan around living the lives of Riley.

Truth is, she poisoned both kids against their dad's and made it very difficult for contact to happen. For example, if her more recent partner wants to have an over night with their son, he had to keep the child all of the following day else she's not getting any benefit

But he works very hard to support the three of them as she refuses to work so he can't have the child all day in the week as per her demands and she won't let him put it in child care. So he doesn't get to see the child, works to pay his CM, and she plays the victim.

The elder one, Dh's dd, has been so poisoned against her dad that she doesn't want to see him now. He can't force her as she's a teenager.

So no, I don't think that all "absent" fathers are feckless twats. A lot of them are though.

I agree with Petal - not a blanket sympathy, depends on circumstances

1. Those who walk away and cut all contact, regardless of reason - NONE
2. Those who have manipulative exes - YES
3. Those who dip in and out and sort of have contact but only when convient - NONE
4. Those who are manipluated by their new partners, into not prioritising his DCs and making access difficult, not welcome in new home - SOME - caught between the devil and - but they need to grow some balls and stand up for their kids
5. Those who have good access and contact - NONE - for what ever reason the relationship failed, they are doing the right thing for their DCs.
6. Those who try emotional blackmail to get EX to agree to their demands and place caveats on contact - NONE

If my ex has the kids overnight i insist he takes them in the morning, and keeps them all day the next day. Im not manipulative, i just dont think its fair to my kids that they see their dad for a very short length of time before he washes his hands of all responsibility until next fortnight.

Im not manipulative, i just dont think its fair to my kids that they see their dad for a very short length of time before he washes his hands of all responsibility until next fortnight.

Would you be happy for him to use Childcare if he had to work on either of the two days? Or would you "refuse to let him?"

It's not always possible for NR parents to get the flexibility at work afforded to RP - and it's the DCs who miss out if the RP sets the NRP up to fail like noseyfrog describes.

ginandsonic what if he has work?

Interestingly she promised him 50/50 when they were splitting up then denied him it unless he was physically caring for the child for his 50% rather than use child care and now he hardly sees his son at all.

She has systematically alienated both of her ex's through using their characters and circumstances against them, but to anyone who'll listen she is the abandoned RP with no support. I can't think what a person could gain from that knowing the damage it does to the kids to think that half of what made them to be so feckless, useless and neglectful.

There are so many different circumstances, you can't generalise and say that all absent fathers are arseholes.

My DH has a son who he hasn't seen for years. He came home from work one day to find his house empty, his girlfriend and baby son gone, and a note saying that she's been having an affair with his friend. She also admitted that she didn't know who was the real father was, but that as far as she was concerned it was this other guy, that they would be a family now and were moving away. They'd left town and to this day he has no idea where they are. He tried to find them for a long time. Every birthday, every Christmas is painful for him. He has paid out thousands in child support while having no way to be part of his son's life. Having our own DS was wonderful but painful for him.

I wouldnt object to him using childcare, at least hed be taking some responsibility.
I know that he gives the sob story to people, and that it must sound convincing to those who dont know the full picture.

Obviously some absent fathers are arseholes, and some arent. Some women are manipulative bitches, some arent. Not always easy to tell which are which though.

It's pretty easy when you know the people involved

I'm not so sure, nosey. Even DHs parents find it hard to believe that DHs ex has really behaved the way she has, and (more to the point) that she's convinced the social services and legal system.

They still think that DH could/should have done things differently because they can't accept any mother would behave the way she has and get away with it. If losing his DCs wasn't bad enough - his parents blame him as well.

What a horrible nightmare.

Well it isnt, i know men who i.believe have done their utmost, who are labelled wasters, wasters like my ex who have convinced their family and friends that he is the victim of big bad me, ive lost friends who think that its manipulative and spiteful of me to have stopped contact a few months ago, despite my ex using it as an opportunity to verbally abuse me in public.

She promised him 50/50 when they were splitting up then denied him it unless he was physically caring for the child for his 50% rather than use child care

Yep – we hear about too many cases where spiteful ex-wives make it is difficult as possible for a non-resident father to combine access with work. They want hefty maintenance payments though ……

It’s not always possible for NR parents to get the flexibility at work afforded to RP – and its the DC who miss out if the RP sets the NRP up to fail like noseyfrog suggests

Exactly. And yes, I know that a non-resident father should take his share of responsibility, but someone working full time does not have the time/flexibility for school runs etc like a SAHM does. I’m not suggesting all ex-wives are SAHMs, but a lot of them work shorter hours than their ex-husbands.

I know this is off topic but cheating 2 months after giving birth!!!