AIBU to sympathise with absent fathers?

[WayBelowTheRainbow]

Don't get me wrong, before I even get started, I would never condone a father walking out on a child. And most of the time I think it's disgusting that people can do that.. But the way my life is going at the minute.. I am slightly beginning to sympathise..

My DP has 16 month old DS from his previous relationship with EXgf. Now, me and DP have been together for a while and I was definitely not the OW. I am not kidding EXgf has made both mine and DP life a living hell to the point where there has been numbers changed because of harassment and house moves because of it all.. It's getting beyond the point where it's bearable.. She has said that if he gives up his parental responsibility so she can have DS to herself she will stop.. Therefore she is making it near enough impossible for DP to see his son, now DP would never give up on his son because he loves him more than life itself. But it doesn't make me wonder, AIBU to sympathise with fathers who do give up (only in situations like this, no other circumstance would I ever even consider it)

Probably gonna get a bit of a backlash but needed somewhere to rant as well as ask!

Whilst I think it's really sad if a man doesn't want to see his children, I'm not sure if I a court would wish to (or have any powers to) force him to have contact.

Stardust I am not saying I haven't seen or heard of fathers being offered more I am saying that I haven't seen them being forced.

The only time that no option really has been given is when the children have been removed from the RPs care. Reality is that obviously there was the option of care but even though (what was) the NRP didn't want the children full time they more so didn't want them to end up in care IYSWIM.

The mother being 'a tad aggrieved' does not justify harassment etc. In a stated campaign to separate the father from his child. Period.

The only parent, father or mother, that should ever be denied access to their child is one whose behavior proves to be cruel and or criminal toward the child, and IMO, that includes actively denying them access to the other parent via threats and harassment.

OP: document everything. And look into financial assistance from the point of view of rescuing the child from an unstable mother.

Skye - Personally I don't ever think it's in a child's best interest to force them into a situation where they have to spend time with someone who doesn't want to spend time with them. My ex doesn't see DD at all. That was his choice. He doesn't contribute financially either, again this is his choice. Yes it's hard, yes it would be nice to have some respite now and again but no I don't believe it would be in my daughters best interests to see him to make my life a bit easier. And actually certainly in my situation it wouldn't make it easier at all. Not only would I have to deal with that waster again I would also have a daughter who would be being "cared" for by someone who just wasn't interested. I personally think that could be very damaging to a child.

get a solicitier and tell her to (legally) fuck off

she cant do this- she just can't

its very hard but maybe legal inference will make her see this is immoral

keep a diary, read up on legal issues and track every issue of harassment

easy to say I know but I feel very strongly about this type of behaviour

McFox said
My DH has a son who he hasn't seen for years. He came home from work ... They'd left town and to this day he has no idea where they are. He tried to find them for a long time... He has paid out thousands in child support while having no way to be part of his son's life.

So, he has been paying support to an unlocatable child, that the mother claimed was her lover/now partner's child anyway? How does that work?

I was always under the impression that a court order was made in the NRP's favour - which means the RP is legally obliged to make the child available for access, but the NRP isn't legally obliged to have the access.

So were we! DH was absolutely floored when he received the paperwork through the post that placed the legal responsibility on him to ensure he turned up for contact EOW - particularly as it was exactly that which led to the court case in the first place.

We've since found out that (in our area at least) court orders requiring the NRP to maintain contact are not unusual.

Momagain, because its DH's name on the birth certificate. He doesn't know whether she was just being malicious saying that his son might not actually be his, or was trying to make a clean getaway with this other guy by suggesting he might be his. Either way, in the eyes of the law, the boy is my DH's son.

He was threatened with court by the CSA and was given 30 days to comply. The potential paternity issue was of no interest to them, so he's had no option but to pay.

I agree that it's not in the child's best interests if the NRP isn't interested. I have turned my head around to realise that she is better off with me, as much as i wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad, it has to come from him.

The paradox is, that he tells anyone who will listen that I make it difficult for him, when in reality he can't be arsed more than he has to.

I was on a thread on MN where the father was demanding access, but always at short notice and demanding that the RP drive to him each time.

I know that she took him to court to get access put on a regular basis, decided by a judge, so that her ex couldn't say that she was being unfair, she let the decision be made by somebody else.

so her case was quite unusual in that she took him to court to get him to arrange proper visits not just when he felt like it

so her case was quite unusual in that she took him to court to get him to arrange proper visits not just when he felt like it

As I said up thread, the CAFCASS officers local to me say this is the most typical case they see; certainly not "unusual" in their experience.

I'm so sorry precious. Thank you for sharing your experience

That is a sad story precious. I have desperately wanted XH to maintain his relationship with DD for her sake as I don't want her to become estranged from him. It is wrong that some Mothers that keep the DC away from the fathers without good reason (abuse, drugs etc).

I would never do that, which is why it is so frustrating to know that XH's family think that I make it difficult, when all email evidence shows me begging him to see her/ring her etc.

I don't know what the answer is. Maybe the court should be involved in every single family breakup regardless of the situation. We didn't go to court as we agreed everything in mediation, but XH has gone back on everything that we agreed then 2 years ago. But most people cant afford to go to court now that Legal Aid has ended, some people have no need to because they really can sort it out amicably.

A mother should be penalised in some way for witholding access with no good reason, the same as fathers should be penalised for not paying/not having their DC.

I have no sympathy for my exh because he chose to walk away & have no contact although he would say differently.

I do have sympathy for a friend who went through years and years of court fighting to see their child. Their life was hell. For their own sanity they had to just walk away. It wasn't an easy decision.

A mother should be penalised in some way for witholding access with no good reason

Oh, there's always a good reason as far as these "mothers" are concerned, skye. The man they willingly married, had children and shared their lives with, suddenly becomes the devil incarnate, an abusive bully, an irresponsible drunk.

And through accusing the man of being someone very different to the one she married, the woman becomes unrecognisable to the man as the woman he once loved.

Absolutely. Not all men are feckless bastards who don't care about their children.

In my DH's case it's pretty clear that his ex just wanted to run away and play happy families with her bit on the side. Allowing my DH to be part of his child's life would have ruined that little daydream, so instead she literally packed up their house, furniture and all, while he was on a 12 hour shift and disappeared. It makes me so angry when he gets upset because there is literally nothing we can do.

There needs to be a baseline if expectations for both parties to conform to, and negotiations to proceed from. A known 'big standard' expected of each party that is wholey equitable, including benefit sharing.

At the moment, for my experience the family courts operate on a 'good enough' basis, so because we can't deal with the (further) stress and the strain and disruption it would cause to our relationship, DH has to put up with bare minimum contact and constant short-notice cancellation.

Court wouldn't change anything because there's no penalties applied to people who break, bend or otherwise deliberately confound orders. Sad but true.

'Bog standard' sorry

Likewise a father should be penalised for not staying in contact wit his kids, changing contact arrangements at the last minute, expecting the Ex to drive 2.5 hrs round to his house on a Friday to maintain contact, threatening to withold monies if does not get hisway, deliberately chanign his summer holiday to coincide with what the nother has booked having knwon about it for 9 months, not bothering to turn up, stick to any form of schedule, expecting the mother to change days to suit him.

The man they willingly married, had children and shared their lives with, suddenly becomes the devil incarnate, an abusive bully, an irresponsible drunk.

Are you aware that 30% of domestic violence against women actually starts during pregnancy? Are you also aware that there is a direct link between woman who are abused during pregnancy and an increase in alcohol/substance consumption by the abusers?

Your post is vile. It completely minimises a very serious threat that some women face at a time in their life where they are most vulnerable.

Glad that 99% of people are so supportive.. Thank you guys! And thanks to all those who've shared their experiences.. I know it's a completely ridiculously wide range of situations and hearing some of them has made me feel a little better

Nothing is getting any better, contact has stopped completely and it's taking it's toll on DP big time

Appointment at the solicitors next week, I know it doesn't solve everything but hopefully something will be sorted in the long run

stardustbikini, so what are you saying. if you make your bed you have to lie in it?

I don't care if he doesn't "recognise me as the woman he met", i'm glad he doesn't. I've grown a back bone since then.

honestlie. Yes, it is vile that some women use the experiences of victims of DV to further their own agendas against their ex-spouses by making false allegations against them.
Not only does it rob the DCs of a parent, and has life-changing consequences for the falsely accused, it does, as you so rightly say, minimise the serious threat faced by genuine victims of DV.

I'm sorry if my post upset you by pointing that out.

I think a far bigger problem than false accusations is that abusers' abusive behaviour wasn't reported and so women are powerless to protect themselves even after a split. My x spent years at it. No proof obviously. It's terrifying to think how vulnerable some women are. I was lucky and escaped (quite literally) but he doesn't acknowledge that he abused me. That is typical. Abusers never acknowledge it. They're all wrongly accused.