The Goose and Carrot Pub Thread

[roaringdragon]

Everyone is welcome, and the thread disappears after 90 days.

Thank you for the last thread @lougle. I hope the doctor was helpful and DD2 isn’t feeling too rubbish this morning.

DS1 has used the last of his EOTAS hours today. There will be at least a few weeks before the EHCP is finalised and funding restarts. He will hopefully have his operation during that time, but it is still going to feel like a long time without that provision.

@JumpersFluffy

Thanks for this information. That’s really helpful to know. There’s supposed to be some kind of study support by outreach staff placed in College. What support they can give and how they can assist best I’m not sure. It’s not 1:1 support as to have that DC would have had to go off school’s roll and onto College roll. The school outreach staff aren’t allowed into the classroom. The College deliverers the education and school the LS scaffolding and life skills. School holds the budget and pays the College. It’s hard to explain and it’s new to us and lots could slip through the cracks. No one, other than us, is keen for any specifity and detail obvs! I managed to get tutors for GCSE’s but even tutoring can’t scaffold the amount of work at A levels. I think DC might use online stuff to help learn. It’s the getting started without support that seems a big barrier and I can’t give that support as we clash and it’s mum nagging! 😬 It was hard going getting through the GCSE’s although DC did well and I am really pleased but College and 3 A levels seems very ambitious now!

Has anyone read AR (Whether restrictions amount to a deprivation of liberty), Re [2026] EWCOP 45 (T2)? It is a judgement that is the result of the Supreme Court ruling from earlier this year - the one about Northern Ireland case which had quite a bit of publicity at the time because of the ramifications overturning the principles established in the previous Cheshire West case.

It’s not 1:1 support as to have that DC would have had to go off school’s roll and onto College roll.

Whoever told you that misinformed you, probably to save money. There’s nothing in law that prevents 1:1 support in the arrangement. There’s also the possibility DC could have been dual registered.

@roaringdragon

The case you’re referring to rings a bell. I can’t remember the detail but I remember it was a landmark ruling, I think?

Yes, no doubt I have been misinformed.

No one is on our side at the AR. It’s not done properly and trying to make it be done right is nigh on impossible and would likely reveal things that needed funding to address. The collection of info into the AR process is a common fundamental failing as IPSEA mentions. Obviously if a dual placement was named our LA would have been duty bound to provide transportation to both settings. Not the current illogical decision which I’m trying to challenge. Smoke and mirrors is the phrase that springs to mind!

@Fififizz that’s the one. The landmark case was the Supreme Court ruling. AR’s case is a judgement released on Friday about a case under the new rules.

The circulation of advice and information prior to the meeting is a step often overlooked by schools and LAs. You can see why since the advice can support amendments and amendments can mean spending money. You may decide not to, but if the AR isn’t being carried out properly, you can go down the JR route.

@roaringdragon

Interesting. I’ll take a look.

I sort of know about JR in a vague way. I’m not sure if we can do a letter before action ourselves or need a solicitor? Also, our LA seems indifferent to JR threats and I was concerned JR ing the early AR for post 16 transfer might have jeopardised the placement. I did have the AR postponed but making the proper collection of the advice and info without compelling it didn’t happen. The LA outsource the AR process to the school and wash their hands and although they’re ultimately still responsible for properly carrying it out, rocking the boat at school felt it could jeopardise the post 16 placement offer which I was told they had to make as post 16 is another phase of education. Plus DC wanted to stay on roll and do the outreach thing. It was all difficult. Smoke and mirrors again, no doubt we have been shafted for cost savings and as a consequence likely inadequate provision in the EHCP. It’s how they roll sadly.

@Fififizz if you (a general you, not you specifically) don’t know what you are doing, it is not advisable to attempt to write your own LBA. In theory, if you know what you are doing, you can write a pre-action letter yourself. However, in practice, the LA may well ignore it, especially these days. I can write my own. So can DH. We don’t because our LA laughs and says good luck finding someone with a legal aid contract to take it further. Sometimes some LAs aren’t even taking pre-action letters from people who aren’t part of a legal aid firm seriously because they know if they ignore you still have to find someone with capacity to take on the case, which can take perseverance at the moment, and when you find someone they will sometimes want to send another pre-action letter via them. LAs are sometimes taking the chance of kicking the can down the road.

In the past, the mere threat of JR held more weight. LAs have become hardened. Even LBAs don’t scare them as much as they did previously.

The school was right that post 16 is a phase transfer even if remaining in the same placement. Sometimes LAs try to pretend otherwise, though.

@roaringdragon

It’s hard to keep ahead of all the games and keep on fighting. It being a new phase of education I was worried school wouldn’t offer a post 16 place if I created, although they need the funding, but it felt risky, and especially when DC kicks back and blames me for anything that doesn’t go their way.

My experience with DC and CAMHS was horrendous. In an assessment meeting they gave DC a platform to heap vitriol on me. I just had to sit there and take it. I was so traumatised I was fixed to the spot.

I’m not a great parent and have struggled lots but that gave me PTSD I’m sure. In fact this whole ongoing EHCP process nightmare has given me a form of PTSD.

Anyway, I get the gist re JR proceedings. Thank you. I shall file away for reference. I’m feeling I shouldn’t have withdrawn the latest appeal but obvs as the AR wasn’t done properly I didn’t have much evidence and I’m done with paying for private reports only for the provision to be not implemented properly due to cost/removed at the soonest opportunity.

I suppose if DC really struggles then that’s new evidence in itself. We’ll see.

I’m in awe of your knowledge and capacity to advocate. I try and read around and have the SEND CoP but still it’s hard to get the info we need when we need it. I discover a lot of useful information after the event. If you had time, which I’m sure you don’t, you could write a brilliant SEND parents handbook.

@Fififizz you are a better parent than you give yourself credit for. DC has an EHCP and is in SS, one that isn’t easy to convince the LA the name. That didn't fall in your lap. It took work. DC has a good set of GCSEs, which was the result of you scaffolding. A rubbish parent wouldn’t have done that.

You are probably right about PTSD. Not uncommon in parents of disabled DC. The physical and mental toll caring takes is underestimated by wider society. I have a diagnosis of cPTSD.

A book is definitely not on the horizon.

The Noddy guide is worth looking at if you haven’t already. Fairly easy going and free with a good summary of lots of relevant points. For something more in depth, you could look at the EHCP handbook, which isn’t free but is relatively cheap.

If you ever appeal again and want a handbook, I recommend Katherine Anderson’s A Practical Guide to Education, Health and Care Plan Appeals in England. Katherine Anderson is a barrister. She is excellent at what she does - whether that is working for parents or LAs. The handbook is aimed at solicitors and barristers rather than parents and can be heavy going for parents but should be accessible to you.

Look at all the technical knowledge being shared, it’s so brutal that a goose has to go through the process of learning whole area of law and regulation to get support.

@Fififizz cPTSD is very real and standard in the pub, you are not a rubbish parent. Did you self fund tutors for DS’s GCSEs? If you have the funds a study mentor is a good investment. As for getting your own oxygen mask on, start small but consistent, 10 minute daily rituals work for me.

@roaringdragon

Thanks, yes I did use the Noddy guide previously. If I appeal again I’ll get that book you mentioned. Yes, getting in was a huge battle and grateful DC has achieved there with huge scaffolding from me. All is not as it appears in that setting imo as we’ve mentioned, smoke and mirrors etc. It goes on everywhere. Apart from getting the EHCP the battle to get it specified when no one does anything to help that, even professionals who either don’t know what they’re doing/are influenced when producing advice and info, the school/LA who don’t want you to have the information due to costs etc it’s all so difficult. If you do get the info the wording is watered down and in our case stated therapeutic provision was basic and not much help and then removed completely when DC wouldn’t engage. If you manage to get watertight wording you have to JR to enforce it. It’s awful it gives people cPTSD but it does!

@PurringTiger

Yes, thanks. A study mentor or executive function coach or similar might be helpful down the line, if DC will agree. I suspect DC might need tutors with subject knowledge too but maybe they could help create more structure as we’ll need 3 of those too. It’s the getting started that seems the biggest concern. DC has always struggled to do homework or any school work at home. We’ll see. I like the mini rituals idea. I generally struggle with self care as my head’s usually full to bursting with all this 💩

Which one? I agree privately run children’s home are ripping off taxpayers, when I see what DD1 gets for less per week, than some of these children, who seem to get no professional input at all for 2 - 3 times as much!

What has shocked us in the last week, has been the case of a young man, who lived in a care home in Surrey and died of undiagnosed oesophageal cancer in his 30s. He had been vomiting for several months, which some staff put down to attention seeking and nobody told his family. His GP made an urgent referral to the hospital, which was rejected….the family not surprisingly want answers:

https://localgov.legal/2026/08/13/surrey-care-home-faces-coroner-report-after-mans-death/

@LathkillDale

It was about a school in Liverpool. It caused shockwaves at the time but then it all gets forgotten about. Similar to Prof Arraday (sp?) all over the news with so many questions left unanswered and people up in arms and now not a peep about it.

Gosh, that’s so sad and scandalous.

Yes, I saw that and found it shocking! The specialist schools, DD1 went to, were light years away from that! Where she is now has the Positive Behaviour Support team, OT and SALT to help the care staff handle her!

I am amazed at the differences between your difficulties to get the right support for DC at college and the ease with which, DD2 got support at university, once she was diagnosed with ADHD! Admittedly, she didn’t need 1:1 support and I doubt anyone could have provided it anyway in the subject she did; but they gave her a Dictaphone to record lectures, study skills tutoring every week, and a post grad to help her with research, among other things.

Feeling sad and bit low seeing all the new year 7s & year 11s walking past our house to start the new school year. Whilst we start our 4th year of not being in school. I just need a break really but in reality I have to get hold of two post 16 colleges who had a deadline of today to say yes or no to next year. I fear the one the LA want will say yes as they offer very low academic level but like bums on seats 3 days a week. It’s a nice place but not what DD wants to do. The other college offers a full range of L2 & L3 courses she wants to access which is parental choice. I fear on paper she looks too challenging yet in reality with some extra support could do well. I’m back to work tomorrow as well & just feeling like i can’t cope mentally with that either as I know it’s a busy week. Plus need to fit aged parents into the mental load who the guilt of not being able to do more for them is weighing heavy at the moment. So instead I’m snuggling the dog after our walk this morning having a quiet cup of tea before attempting to wake up & get DD going aka start shouting at me..

@JumpersFluffy it is painful seeing peers. Good news is that I stopped being upset by school uniforms when DD turned 18. Bad news is I now randomly tear up at YP going about their lives with ease. Pets are great aren’t they, I snuggled with Dcat after reading your post. Good luck with back to work you have a lot to juggle.

@JumpersFluffy

Sending you a massive virtual hug. We all know the EHCP should be supportive of the YP’s goals and ambitions and ‘their voice’ but we know when it comes to it the LA ignore that and usually do the cheapest available opposite. If you can find the energy to take them on then go for it. We’re all behind you! If not then don’t feel guilty about making the best you can of whatever’s actually put in place. If that’s possible by plugging the gaps yourself if you can. It’s all so very difficult and stressful and shouldn’t be this way and that’s just the education thing never mind life’s other demands. Cuddle your dog and savour your cuppa and reach out whenever you need support on here.

Medication review - Paediatrician very pleased with progress - says he's a different boy!
Also asked if he was better behaved with me than Dad. Told him Dad is a bit of a softy. Told dad to up his game.

Thanks I rallied and did some yoga then woke up DD who was really good actually and we got some work done online before her lunchtime tutor session so I have a hour off. I still haven’t got hold of the college I’m very sanguine about it all now as the LA will do what ever they want and I’m not taking on another tribunal we will just plug the gaps ourselves now as it has less impact on my mental health.

glad the meds review went ok @drspouse

I also can find seeing and hearing about children difficult @JumpersFluffy and sending you support. Though I did discover adults only things/holidays because of that and they are bliss and now I rarely see children. I also am glad there are children who are fine. Having DD do well helps as well.

Had electrician round today to quote and he was nice and will quote, said can do work in September so may be a bit of a gap but can work round that but he raised the issue of the boiler in the bathroom and said with a bath the plug on boiler. So now we need a solution to that.

@drspouse

That’s great news. Well done. I can be a bit soft at times but try to pick my battles too. DC is like an unexploded bomb. Handle with care. I did his meds review forms, he doesn’t want to think about changing to another type as they did help with GCSE’s and focus but they’re stimulants so when he’s anxious, like now, they create issues. I did say there were other options but equally I get why titrating is a PITA and he’s scared of messing around with them. Can’t win.

@JumpersFluffy

That’s the spirit fluffy. Don’t let the bas**rds get you down.

@PurringTiger walking d-dog is the highlight of my day mostly, as I can leave DD2 home if I go out early as DD1 doesn’t leave for work until 8am. So if I get my butt in gear we have a lovely quiet hour before the madness of the day starts walking on a local heathland. It’s tricky in winter as I don’t like walking the dog off lead in the dark. Hope you enjoyed cat snuggles & DD is slowly getting back into study mode. The car ride sounds fab & such a breakthrough I hope she can sustain her progress without too much fallout / energy loss.

@roaringdragon

Just bought that book. I hope my brain can process it. My brain cells aren’t as good as they used to be and half my attention is always on other life admin stuff too. I’m like a computer with too many windows open and things running in the background. I treated myself to the most up to date version for an extra £10. Lucky me! 🤣 I’d forgotten how expensive law books are but at least it’s paperback. Hard cover it’s £119. Thank you for recommending. I look forward to receiving it.

@LathkillDale

Yes, it’s been a constant struggle and battle and I have tried to keep on with it but with the lack of information and the sleight of hand going on it’s all been very difficult. Unfortunately as @roaringdragon has mentioned. The school is now a victim of its own previous success and reputation. @roaringdragon knows the school. She’s very clever and sussed me from the bits I mentioned. Anyway secondary education is behind us now so no point in looking back or dwelling too much on water under that particular bridge.

@JumpersFluffy

I have a lovely image of your calm morning walks on the heath Sounds like it’s balm for your soul.

We, have always wanted an Irish Terrier or should that be Terrible! She’s not remotely calming and with hindsight we should probably have left her unadopted. I knew they were a step up from a Boarder Terrier but she comes with additional, previous, baggage unfortunately too. She’s certainly a character and quite loving though but definitely not easy. There’s a post or maybe a thread on here about naughty dogs. Irish Terriers are featured. I didn’t read that. I watched some woman on YouTube who’s had them all her life saying how they were such amazing dogs. They likely are if you get a normal one! 🙈

I am supposed to be working today but I had a deadline that just needed tweaking and now I'm feeling like a spare wheel! The funeral is Thurs so every time I sit down to concentrate I'm reminded of that.

I would probably know the school, if you told me its name.