The Goose and Carrot Pub Thread

[roaringdragon]

Everyone is welcome, and the thread disappears after 90 days.

Thank you for the last thread @lougle. I hope the doctor was helpful and DD2 isn’t feeling too rubbish this morning.

DS1 has used the last of his EOTAS hours today. There will be at least a few weeks before the EHCP is finalised and funding restarts. He will hopefully have his operation during that time, but it is still going to feel like a long time without that provision.

School have confirmed DC wasn’t seen eating anything at College and handed back the meal allowance. Never been an eater of breakfast either though is supposed to with ADHD meds. I don’t think much was consumed previously at school lunches either, usually a sausage roll. Would be a huge snacks and fridge raid on returning home but College is a much longer day, effectively 8-6. Done the mum stuff of offering snacks, won’t take as won’t carry a bag, definitely won’t take a packed lunch, hates sandwiches. If loses weight and already doesn’t carry any they’ll likely stop stimulants. What’s a mum to do? Any suggestions please or do I just see if it improves? DC has said the food at College is ‘sh*t’ but another mum told me her son enjoyed the pizza meal deal for lunch. I can’t eat when I get stressed. Is DC like me? Anyone been here or have any wise words please? Thanks

Is it the same length day all 5 days or are some at home?

If he won't take a bag then would he wear a coat with large pockets which he can keep snacks in (ds2's solution). It might also be that he feels the bag is "wrong" in some way - what do other students use - is there something he would be prepared to use. Or he might feel that he has nowhere to keep it at college so the easiest option is not to take one in. Could one of his support staff show him where stuff can be kept.

It may be the environment of the canteen - crowded, smelly and noisy - rather than the food quality. ds1 managed the canteen only once I think whilst he was in college doing A levels (he transferred from tiny special school to an A level centre in a large mainstream college so was a real culture shock).

I wonder if there is a quiet room / place that he could be allowed to eat in instead. ds1 can manage a little better in stressful environments if he can go in with someone else but I guess your ds has not really had time to make friends yet. Is he allowed off campus in free periods / lunchbreaks - ds1 managed by walking into town and picking something up from one of the local shops or Greggs. This also gave him a good opportunity to destress from morning lessons. He had much shorter hours though than your ds appears to have so it did not matter so much if he didn't eat at college.

For ds1 the first week of college was by far the most stressful and he settled down quite well after that. You might find that as your ds settles in his stress levels decrease and his appetite comes back a bit.

@drspouse I hope DM’s funeral went as well as expected.

pS Should have said “…as well as can be expected”.

(It’s distracting, on hair pin bends in the Greek mountains with no safety barriers.)

Funeral isn't till Thursday - I have two project notifications coming in today (i.e. did I we win the bid) and hassle from my brother who wants specific items from my mum's house, "her wishes" were that he and his DCs get everything from the house but this is not what the will says. He claims to have specific lists of who she's left things to but my DCs are also her grandchildren and his idea is that she chose to leave things to his side (i.e. none to me and none to my DCs).

I am trying not to be petty but I feel he is also being petty and I and my DCs are also grieving which he doesn't seem to be aware of.

@Fififizz can you shift meals slightly? I'm thinking big early breakfast, dinner when he gets home, then a high protein late night snack before bed. Also, would he take a high protein snack bar that he could just shove in a pocket? Would he eat vending machine snacks at college? With DD3 I take the approach that any crap will do all food is good food because it's calories in.

I'm running on fumes. We got back from the hospital at 3 am. DD1 woke me up despite a big sign that DH had put on the door saying "DON'T WAKE MUM". She's hilarious really. I hadn't noticed the sign, but she gets such a guilty conscience that she tells a really silly lie to introduce her confession. Today it was "I probably should have read the sign on the door but I didn't notice it." Of course, the truth was that she read the sign and decided her breakfast was more important than my sleep.

DD2 has some better pain relief so she's slightly more comfortable.

Sorry, about that - best wishes for Thursday.

I’d go by the will - it has legal standing, and DM would have been asked questions by the solicitor, so she had time to consider her wishes, rather than perhaps an off the cuff remark, when she wasn’t concentrating!

”I probably should have read the sign on the door but I didn't notice it."

@Lougle probably not so funny when you’re the one being woken.

I’m glad you are home and DD2’s has better pain relief.

@Fififizz could DS keep a box of snacks at college? Even if they don’t have lockers, you could ask the SEN team if the box can be kept in the SEN department or reception. If the college has a kettle/microwave DS could use (with staff help if necessary), you could keep things that can be cooked by them in the box too.

Would DS have supper as well as dinner? Would a more enticing breakfast work (even if not judged by normal standards to be healthy &/or typical breakfast food or something to have on the go) than a normal run of the mill breakfast? Would DS have a smoothie or milkshake in the morning?

Does DS have a restricted diet in terms of what he will eat as well as not eating enough? If DS doesn’t have a very restricted diet that he is likely to drop safe foods from if you mess with them, you could fortify meals/snacks at home. Fortifying works for some, but doesn’t for all.

Thanks for the comments on DS1’s eating. Normal service has resumed today and he has turned down breakfast, morning snack and lunch orally. It’s fine, when he eats orally it is a bonus.

@drspouse

Thanks, pretty much same length days, in school one day a week. He didn’t really eat much there either but day was shorter so he snacked up once home.

I’m really sorry to read about your brother’s attitude, especially when you’re all grieving.

@OneInEight

Your comment about the first week being the hardest gives me hope. He won’t carry snacks in his pockets or have a snack box or a locker or god forbid ask for/be seen to need help. He chose an expensive backpack but won’t use it. It’s a self conscious/fitting in/not being that bothered about food/anxiety/appetite/environment/meds suppression thing. I can’t work out the actual driver. He’s more likely to hide food in his pockets he dislikes, though he’s grown out of that. He’s always been picky with food and had specific preferences and I think the busy sensory environment you mentioned is a factor. He won’t eat breakfast and is picky about the food I cook. It’s not new I suppose more here we go again with no clear solution. He can go out and there are shops but he probably won’t feel comfortable. If he makes friends that will help his confidence. I’m just worried he won’t have the energy to concentrate and he might lose the meds if underweight as obviously it’s not safe and he’s monitored. Which I’m not saying is a bad thing. Then he’ll blame me. He constantly does this to me if things don’t go his way but never DF. I’ve told him he needs to try and eat and the consequences of not doing so. I suppose there’s not much more I can do for now as long as he eats in the evening.

@roaringdragon

Yes, his palette developed a bit from plain foods but he’s not a massive eater and has limited food preferences rather than purely safe foods. He won’t eat smoothies, yoghurt, sauces, drink milk, have extra butter or anything I can fortify really. He’s likely to be on to me if I try too. He’s under calories I think and slim to skinny. I’m scared to make it a big deal though and obvs the stimulants have an impact on his appetite too. I think I just have to hope he settles. I’ve asked about quiet spaces. The outreach staff are supposed to help guide them to those and are getting back to me with details. Even when at school I think he was having a sausage roll every day for lunch in the quiet dining room. It’s not a new development.

He's ranting at me now, I've just gone and chosen things without asking him. The will was made 10 years ago and he has no respect for it.
Thing is, I want to remain friendly with him and particularly with my nieces.
He's now complaining that my DCs chose some children's plates she had!

That all sounds so difficult @drspouse . People can get very emotional about belongings when someone dies - I think the belongings take on a new significance. I know my DF was very upset that my Aunt cleared out a lot of my Grandmother's cookware that he would have dearly loved, but she didn't see the value in it.

I think the SEN lead saw how badly DD2 was affected yesterday. She has emailed to confirm a plan for a familiar TA/LSA to meet DD2 outside the building, where the lesson is (including where the room is within the building) and confirmed that she will walk her into class.

@drspouse

That all sounds extremely difficult to handle and upsetting. I’m sorry your brother feels that way but glad DC has something that has sentimental value to them.

@Lougle

That’s good that the SEN lead has recognised the issues and is stepping in to set up a plan and help.

DC ate something today at College, a sugar rush, but it’s something.

@drspouse that sounds difficult to navigate with your brother.

@Fififizz I’m glad DC managed to eat something at college today.

@Lougle I hope the college implements the new plan and it works for DD2.

DS1’s operation was supposed to be tomorrow, but it has been cancelled. There won’t be a suitable critical care bed available and the anaesthetist wants one in case DS needs to go to ICU afterwards.

Oh @roaringdragon im sorry to hear the Op has been cancelled its must be a nightmare getting all the pieces in place to make it happen. I really hope you can get a new date very soon.

@Lougle really hope college can do what they say they will. It’s so basic though for a young person to know who the LSA is and where to go. It’s so frustrating as if they would just get these details right in the first week is so crucial to a successful “launch”. Hope the pain meds help as well.

@Fififizz hope the appetite for DC improves once he settles into college routine a bit more. My DD is also on stimulant meds so doesn’t eat much in morning. I’ve over the years just accepted that any food is food so we’ve had a range of “breakfasts” snacks over the years from frozen peas, carrot sticks, cheese, flapjack, ice pops but never much traditionally “uk” breakfast food. She does have a very normal dinner as her appetite returns by mid afternoon so snacks too as healthy as I can encourage. We do tend to go through cycles of favourites recently it’s been noodles every afternoon but she’s just asked me to buy panini rolls again as we have a toaster thing she can use in the microwave for toasties.

Hope the funeral goes as well as these things can @drspouse and you can find some resolution with your brother.

Well DD2 did has done pretty well the last two days easing back into tutoring and home learning without any big meltdowns. DH made a really good observation earlier about how far DD has come as previous years we’d have had a lot more outbursts and negative overwhelmed behaviour last week and this around going back to learning. Fingers tightly crossed the positivity can hold.
I also spoke to the post 16 college send team today but she didn’t tell me if they were rejecting or accepting the consult for 6th form. I’m expecting a reject pending a rewrite of the EHCP aka removing “her needs” sigh.

@roaringdragon I am sorry to hear that. It’s a nightmare when everyone is all psyched up, made arrangements, etc and all for nothing!

So sorry operation is cancelled especially at such short notice @roaringdragon

Sorry you needed to go back to hospital @Lougle

Glad your DD is doing well @JumpersFluffy

Engineer and plumber not responded to further questions on boiler and laundry room so that project is largely on hold until we get a solution. DS has started using the laundry room, not entirely sure why as its an empty small room at the moment but its clearly being targeted for a territory grab. The neighbour got their trees pruned today and they also came into our garden to cut their trees that are in our garden which was good but also left quite a few branches though they did a quick tidy. So DH and I went out and tidied up the garden and planted a few more bulbs. Garden is pretty much done now, other than regular maintenance and a few more bulbs to plant.

Have other projects inside house can get on with though do want a resolution to boiler and sink so can progress on that project. Will probably paint the kitchen a second time and that will be kitchen finished.

@roaringdragon

I’m so sorry the operation was cancelled at such short notice. Keeping everything crossed for a speedy reschedule.

@JumpersFluffy

Thanks. Yes, we have a similar view, food is food. A chunk of chocolate was often the choice on a morning but not even that recently. I did manage to get a slice of toast in during GCSE’s. It’s all very on the hoof in the morning, plus the meds, plus the changes. I’m trying not to stress too much about it now as it’s not helpful. Glad your DD is doing well. It’s great news you can see definite progress. I hope the positivity holds out too.

@Violasilkie

Sorry things are on hold. I hope a solution presents itself quickly. It must be frustrating. Sounds as though you made progress finishing off the garden though.

@roaringdragon no ITU bed is frustrating but so common. Safety is paramount but how annoying! I hope they can rearrange very soon.

@roaringdragon does the cancellation impact on rest of your year plans?

Working is not a swap but an addition. I’m enjoying it but it’s a big change.

@JumpersFluffy your DH makes an excellent point, look how far DD2 has come, it really is amazing progress. You have supported that progress and are a great goose. Honks.

Can I just ask for advice about implementing boundaries.

Someone posted about their DC’s behaviour being different to DF and DM. We have that here.

Behaviour towards me has been awful really.

I have pushed back and tried to defend myself but also as I’m the one doing all things domestic, the EHCP etc there’s somehow a lack of understanding/appreciation/respect. Plus teen selfishness/ego etc.

I have moved mountains by myself smoothing the way and sorting as much out and supporting as much as possible but I can’t keep on sustaining it especially when I know the outside world can be a very harsh place. I understand DC doesn’t know about this and I have contributed to the dynamic by giving so much support and creating the situation I’m now in. No always created such a huge backlash I’ve been treading on eggshells. There’s obviously ND patterns, anxiety, need for power/control, likely self-esteem issues for DC and my own likely ND in the mix too.

My own needs have been so far down the list for so long I’ve sort of forgotten what they are or who I am. Living in survival mode I suppose.

Like whoever posted about the sign on the bedroom door saying mum’s asleep do not enter. My son would have done exactly the same as that DD and even trotted out the same line about not seeing the sign. He claimed I never woke him this am when I did and I sent DF and the darling dog to follow up 15 mins later.

I do believe DC is capable of success at this next stage if he puts the significant effort required in, but it’s his choice. How do I begin to put boundaries in place and teaching DC how to treat people, especially me and home, without destabilising everything. I would say we have an odd relationship dynamic. He knows I’m trying for him and to support him but I have made mistakes. Unfortunately all the professionals assessing him, saying things about him in his presence and giving mixed messages has had an impact I feel. He obliterated me in a CAMHS assessment when he was given the opportunity. DF is more explosive when triggered and in a way DC responds to this.

Outside the home DC is a master at masking so his behaviour is usually different and better.

Any suggestions or thoughts on where I begin? Prior to now I’ve been terrified of triggering a mental health crisis, school refusal etc. Now I feel DC needs to understand I’m a person too and have needs. I had early help and IDAS (domestic abuse support) involvement previously but it didn’t help.

Thanks