Teacher carrying 9yo into school.

[ChitterChatter1987]

My eldest daughter (Year 5) is becoming really tricky to get into school some days, particularly Mondays.
She has a male teacher for the first time this year, who she seems to get on well with and speaks positively about.She had specifically asked to have him despite often generally being abit more fearful of males than females.He is popular with kids and parents and is fairly young and laid back, quite playful and enthusiastic in his approach.

A couple of times he has come out when we have had issues getting her in recently and has verbally managed to persuade DD to go in by giving an incentive etc which has worked well, but today despite him trying this and offering good solutions to her worries, she just would not go in, and went outside the office reception and sat down refusing to move.
He suggested out of earshot for me to go as maybe me being there was making her more reluctant, which i agree was probably true as maybe then she thinks she might be able to come home.

I walked off up the path and left him negotiating with her outside as he had advised, however then looked back and saw him fireman carrying her into the building.
Now I totally get it's a hard sitiation knowing how to get her in,and appreciate he has a class to teach, so can't stand outside negotiating with her for ages, and there is a possibility she was okay with him lifting her in and it was a fun game (although I would be surprised as she isn't really a tactile child with anyone other than me and sometimes her dad and sister) If someone had done that with my 5yo, unless she was kicking and screaming in upset, I probably wouldn't think much of it tbh, but with her being older on the cusp of puberty, him being male, and also her having ASD and not liking physical touch, it just feels like it might be quite humiliating for her and abit forceful and inappropriate, despite it being meant as a playful gesture to get her to go in.
We always try to teach her body autonomy, that nobody should touch her including hugs etc without her wanting them to, so i just worry that this is going against that, especially with him being an adult male.
She is quite a young 9.5, and fairly small for her age, so not sure he would have done it otherwise, but despite that she is still the age she is.

My plan is I will speak to her later and see if she was okay with it or not, and if not ask for a meeting with school, asking them to not do it again and discussing alternative methods to get her into school.

What are others thoughts on this practice? If anyone else has experienced something similar, or has any ideas of alternative ways to get her into school i would be grateful for your input!

Team teacher too. Your child's behaviour is the sort of thing I dreaded when I was a teacher as it leaves you in a really tricky position especially at the frantic start to a school day

That’s likely to be misinterpretation of procedures. If a child drops to the floor and is kicking out then staff wouldn’t be expected to hold them on the floor for everyone’s safety. Ground holds are dangerous and require specific training. Staff would (should) be expected to make the area safe and protect the child’s head as far as possible whilst keeping themselves safe.

Yes, he was using a bright and breezy method, whilst being mindful he couldn’t just stand and wait whilst your daughter decided if she wanted to go to class or not.
I think you’re lucky to have such a proactive teacher for your daughter.

Lengthy post for you @ChitterChatter1987 with info from AI:

Yes, school staff are legally allowed to have physical contact with or use "reasonable force" on children with Special Educational Needs (SEN)
, but the law tightly regulates how and why this can happen. Under British law, picking up a child or physically forcing them into a classroom is categorized as either a physical escort or a restrictive intervention (restraint). 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6]
The rules set out by the Department for Education (DfE) in the statutory guidance on restrictive interventionsdictate exactly what is allowed: 1, 2]

1. Routine Escorting and Guiding (Non-Forceful)

Schools are explicitly advised not to have "no contact" policies. Staff are allowed to use everyday, appropriate physical contact to guide or escort pupils. Examples include: 1, 2]

• Holding a younger child’s hand to walk them into school or down the hallway.
• Placing a supportive hand on the centre of a pupil's back to usher them toward a safe space or classroom.
• Helping a highly anxious or overwhelmed SEN pupil physically access a pre-agreed "safe space" to self-regulate. 1, 2, 3]

1. Physical Interventions and "Reasonable Force"

Under Section 93 of the Education and Inspections Act 2006, all school staff have the legal power to use physical force, but only in limited, necessary circumstances. Staff can only physically pick up, lift, or push a child into a room if it is required to prevent: 1, 2]

• The child from hurting themselves or others (e.g., bolting into a road or attacking someone).
• Serious damage to property.
• Severe classroom or school disorder. 1, 2]

Crucial Restrictions and Legal Protections for SEN Pupils

• It is strictly illegal to use force as a punishment: Staff cannot physically force or lift a child into a classroom simply because the child is refusing to comply, being stubborn, or as a disciplinary penalty. Force must be the last resort, utilizing the absolute minimum pressure required for the shortest time. 1, 2, 3]
• Disproportionate Impact: Government guidance explicitly notes that non-verbal SEN pupils or those experiencing sensory overload may express distress through their actions, making them highly vulnerable to excessive restraint. 1]

• Individual Risk Assessments:
• For a pupil with SEN, the school must co-produce an individual Behaviour Support Plan alongside the parents. If a child regularly struggles to enter school or a classroom, the plan should explicitly detail gentle de-escalation strategies rather than relying on staff physically lifting or moving them. 1, 2]
• Strict Recording Duties: Under the updated regulations, schools have a strict legal duty to formally record every single "significant incident" of physical force, restraint, or seclusion. The school is legally required to inform the parents on the same day the physical intervention occurs. 1]

If school staff are routinely lifting or physically moving your child against their will to get them into class, this should be addressed immediately in a review meeting to establish clear boundaries in their support plan. 1]
If you are asking because of a specific incident, could you share what exactly happened and whether your child has a tailored behaviour or care plan in place?

Out of interest I asked the internet what percentage of children in education have SEN needs across European countries.
I realise how SEN is measured is not all the same. But the figures are quite different.
England, Scotland, Ireland, have the highest. Finland too. Then the figures drop significantly for other countries.
I know many will say they are all undiagnosed. But I think it is something to wonder over.

Why are you allowing your DD to be so entitled and spoilt. She goes to school, she joins her class. That's the deal.

Op,

Assuming you exist and it isn’t a wind up, it is your job to get your child to attend school.

Why should the school dragoon this one child, expend the teacher's time on her issues when he has a class waiting, and possibly even get him into trouble for being over enthusiastic and a bit naive.

Does anyone care about the rest of the class? What were the other 29 well behaved children doing all this time? What did they fail to learn while this was playing out? Honestly I despair.

Male teacher here of a Y5 primary class. Wouldn't be doing that in a million years, I have a mortgage to pay. Thanks for being understanding of his actions, but if he continues to do that he'll end up out of teaching. It's just not done in 2026. I sometimes get hugs from girls at school eg on a Monday or coming back from a break and it's really awkward as you can't reciprocate, you have to tell them off. I think I just stand there looking helpless and the TA comes to my rescue.

You are very wise.

I want this carrying teacher guy to be told to stop it, despite his good intentions.

edited to add: Just to be clear the reason I want him to be told to stop is for HIM not for children who can’t be bothered to absorb the free learning that the UK provides and which will give them choices in life and career progression eventually.

if they are having that kind of day, you stay with them until they are fine or take them home and keep advocating for additional support or a place in a specialist school.

Because as a parent you know how to deal with that, it is not fair for staff who has not received specialist training or chosen SEN teaching as a career to be dealing with this day in day out, just for the parents to be complaining they are not doing enough or they are not doing it right.

Yes she did seem abit cagey about it which makes me wonder if she was actually 100% okay with it....she does have a habit of 'going along" with things at the time seeming ok about it then later on turns out she wasn't, which is why whilst I don't want to keep questioning her, I will keep an eye on things and try to prevent her and the teacher being put in that position in future.

You don’t have to tell her off! It’s a perfectly normal emotion to want to hug someone you trust. Teach her something else like a special fist bump or a special hand shake, something that’s socially acceptable and won’t make her feel rejected.

I think some of the responses on this thread demonstrate a fundamental misunderstanding of what it means for a child to have an EHCP. This is an autistic child whose needs have been assessed as requiring provision beyond what can ordinarily be provided through a school's existing resources and support arrangements. That is why she has an EHCP. It isn't something handed out because a child is a bit reluctant to go to school, or because their parents aren't sufficiently firm with them.

Yet there are numerous comments describing this child as spoilt, entitled or badly behaved, and her mother as useless or responsible for the situation. On what basis are people making those judgements?

We know virtually nothing about this child's history, the difficulties she experiences, what support has been tried, what her EHCP specifies, or what happens before and after school. We certainly don't know what the family have been dealing with behind the scenes.

I have two autistic children with significant difficulties accessing education, and I can assure you that situations like this can develop despite extraordinary efforts by parents, schools and professionals. The idea that a bit more firmness or better parenting is necessarily the answer is both simplistic and deeply unfair.

I'm not particularly interested in debating whether the teacher was right or wrong to carry her into school, which was the original question. What I find far more troubling is the readiness of so many people to attribute a disabled child's distress to poor parenting or a character flaw.

A child being physically carried into school because she cannot get herself through the door should prompt curiosity about why she is struggling so much and whether her needs are being adequately met. Getting a child through the school gates is not the same as enabling them to access education. And an autistic child who cannot manage school is not automatically a spoilt child who needs firmer boundaries.

Some of the comments here demonstrate exactly why families of children with SEND so often feel judged, isolated and misunderstood.

In SEN we would never lift/carry a student - I saw a sliding mat being used in the past to pull them at the most.

I agree, and I like the fact that some children are genuinely pleased to see me....ok by 'telling off' I might say with a smile, lovely to see you Mia, remember no hugging the adults, how was your weekend, did you enjoy Jane's party etc. As a man in your 40s you cannot be seen to even return the hug, it's totally against my school's policy. Sometimes I forget, it's the natural reaction to return a hug. Side by side is safer. I'm not talking very often, but it happens sometimes.

Sorry you're dealing with school refusal op. On the friends front, as you are at home atm, would you encourage her to have a few friends over for regular playdates? I found it an excellent way to help them foster friendships in primary.

I’m clearly living in a different world because I didn’t know this was allowed

I just thought it would be an absolute outright banned thing for any child

I don't think it's the best approach, and I'd be surprised if school policy supported it without other options being tried first or it being part of a plan (unless it's a special school, which doesn't sound like if only got EHCP this summer). So I think talking to the school and asking for a plan with alternatives is reasonable (which may be that you have to get her into the classroom if you aren't happy with how the school will do it).

I'm not sure you should be teaching your DD that she has bodily autonomy no matter what she does, though. That is not the case.

It’s a pretty weird thing to do. Definitely not standard practice from a teacher, if she’s not hurting anyone or herself or property then no need to touch her really. I mean he asked you to leave as well. Let the school know and see what he says and what the general response is.

"That is why she has an EHCP. It isn't something handed out because a child is a bit reluctant to go to school, or because their parents aren't sufficiently firm with them.
Yet there are numerous comments describing this child as spoilt, entitled or badly behaved, and her mother as useless or responsible for the situation. On what basis are people making those judgements?"

On no basis at all. Oh, apart from the fact that there has been a massive increase in all this kind of thing, strongly suggesting that parents who simply can't be bothered to discipline their children are putting the rest of them at a massive disadvantage.

And the fact that this country is running out of money, fast, and pretty soon we are going to have to work out whether indulging this sort of stuff is actually a good use of our dwindling resources.

And if we don't grasp those nettles, then we are simply passing them down - and multiplied - to our weak, utterly unresilient children to deal with.

Please don’t make a big deal of this. Should he have done it? Possibly not but he may get into trouble for a momentary lapse of judgement. I think that if she is refusing school it is unfair to bring her to the school door and therefore burdening the teacher (with 30 children waiting) with the refusal. Keep her at home and seek help or carry her in yourself! My son is ASD, I know how hard it is but he is absolutely not refusing school and embarrassing me, he’s going in if my foot is up his backside. She needs a consequence for her refusal IMO so she doesn’t put the and you teacher in this position again. I know that many children wouldn’t understand that but mine would and from everything else you’ve said about your daughter so would she. There were ASD children 20 years ago and none of them were refusing to walk through the school door! We’ve become too soft on them. If she is struggling - CAHMS / home schooling etc, not expecting a teacher to deal with something you can’t and then being annoyed when it wasn’t what you expected.

I am really surprised by how many people think this is OK. I am a teacher and think it is inappropriate.

The teacher may well have good intentions but is clearly inexperienced if he thinks this is OK.

It was before the start of the school day.They were being cared for by the TA.She herself had come out before to help but offered the teacher knowing he may have more success with persuasion tactics, which has before has been the case.

As someone who works in school and a governor this is not ok.

Also a girl mum i have taught my girl that no one gets to touch her unless she wants it. Male, female, trans. No one. Esp people in a position of power over her.

But it seems as per usual on MN KCSIE and safeguarding is a crock of shit. Until someone is in court and everyone then that they saw xyz and did the sum of zero about it.

You really think it is that easy to get a diagnosis and then get an EHCP?

My child was diagnosed at the age of 4, no amount of parenting would change that!
Obviously you know more the the paediatricians, are you one?