Teacher carrying 9yo into school.

[ChitterChatter1987]

My eldest daughter (Year 5) is becoming really tricky to get into school some days, particularly Mondays.
She has a male teacher for the first time this year, who she seems to get on well with and speaks positively about.She had specifically asked to have him despite often generally being abit more fearful of males than females.He is popular with kids and parents and is fairly young and laid back, quite playful and enthusiastic in his approach.

A couple of times he has come out when we have had issues getting her in recently and has verbally managed to persuade DD to go in by giving an incentive etc which has worked well, but today despite him trying this and offering good solutions to her worries, she just would not go in, and went outside the office reception and sat down refusing to move.
He suggested out of earshot for me to go as maybe me being there was making her more reluctant, which i agree was probably true as maybe then she thinks she might be able to come home.

I walked off up the path and left him negotiating with her outside as he had advised, however then looked back and saw him fireman carrying her into the building.
Now I totally get it's a hard sitiation knowing how to get her in,and appreciate he has a class to teach, so can't stand outside negotiating with her for ages, and there is a possibility she was okay with him lifting her in and it was a fun game (although I would be surprised as she isn't really a tactile child with anyone other than me and sometimes her dad and sister) If someone had done that with my 5yo, unless she was kicking and screaming in upset, I probably wouldn't think much of it tbh, but with her being older on the cusp of puberty, him being male, and also her having ASD and not liking physical touch, it just feels like it might be quite humiliating for her and abit forceful and inappropriate, despite it being meant as a playful gesture to get her to go in.
We always try to teach her body autonomy, that nobody should touch her including hugs etc without her wanting them to, so i just worry that this is going against that, especially with him being an adult male.
She is quite a young 9.5, and fairly small for her age, so not sure he would have done it otherwise, but despite that she is still the age she is.

My plan is I will speak to her later and see if she was okay with it or not, and if not ask for a meeting with school, asking them to not do it again and discussing alternative methods to get her into school.

What are others thoughts on this practice? If anyone else has experienced something similar, or has any ideas of alternative ways to get her into school i would be grateful for your input!

Give it a rest!

You are not prepared to get your own child into school or to take her home and underneath all the "Who Shot John" this is at the heart of it.

Instead, you want a teacher to do it BUT they must not touch her, tell her off or look sideways at her, unless you or your child are comfortable and give your permission for that to happen.

I hope you do go into the school, raising your "concern" and the upshot is that no-one takes any notice whether she goes in or not and that you stand there gently explaining, pretty please if she will please kindly go in before taking her home.

You will be judged harshly by the majority of people. That's what happened on this thread, apart from a vocal minority and that's what will happen both in the school and the school gates.

Good. That's exactly as it should be.

You and your child are not entitled to limitless amount of staff time to the detriment of others and you are certainly not, or should not be, allowed to belly gripe when someone tries to help you.

If your child is neurodivergent and even if not you next find a different solution . Thai will damage her trust in you and the school for life . Please don’t force her to be dragged into school .

If you read the thread/my posts properly you will see that the teacher asked for me to leave and them to deal with it.

And it would actually be easier for me to just give in and take her home or even not bother trying in the first place, saving me all the stress of fighting to get her there and in.But i'm not because I want her to have an education (and the school wouldn't want me to do that anyway)

My daughter is autisrc and have been in similar situations

This would be an absolute no to me.

Unless agreed with you I would not be okay with a teacher picking my child up especially not an older child.

I wouldnt be interested either in views here unless they have sen children as they won't have understanding of the specific challenges

I made a decision after a certain point I wouldnt be using physical force to get my child into school. It did mean she missed a lot if school but thankfully after a long journey she is now in a specialist setting

How about saying Thank You to the teacher then for his help when he could have just left you and her at the school gates.

And of course you aren't taking any easy options.

Unless people have walked a mile in your shoes op with a child suffering school trauma and unable to cope they know bugger all.

Yes she may be judged, by those ignorant around send. It's not really OPs problem if other people are ignorant and uneducated.

There's government guidance (some of which is statutory) around the restraint of children. Every school staff member should be aware of it. What other areas of law and gov guidance do you think it's ok for teachers to ignore when they feel like it?

Errm no, because I already know the reasons as I've detailed in my previous posts!

And ensuring she knows that nobody should be lifting her about IF she doesn't want them to, especially an adult male, is actually quite important.

Whatever the outcome, or the prevailing issues.
The sheer cost and logistics to provide specialist schools will be very expensive for all of us to provide. Or, you will pay more in tax one way or another to provide it.
Especially if things continue in terms of numbers.
We can hope the numbers decrease.

But it wasn't restraint. The teacher asked the child if she would like him to carry her in, and she said yes.

I am afraid the questions and conversation the OP has had with the daughter will now mean that the daughter will think the teacher has done something wrong.

The OP must tell the teacher now not to do this in future. For his sake.

You haven't a clue how schools work, have you! One child cannot disrupt 29 others just because he/she doesn't want to do something. The alternative is 29 DC waiting for their teacher, or a teacher or TA watching OP's DD till she comes out of her strop. I am team teacher here.
We often have to do what we don't like - teaching children they never have to is damaging and, IMO, dangerous since they actually don't learn the difference between don't want to, mustn't and 'this is dangerous and I need to tell an(other) adult'.

The teacher got her into class. OP says she would have given in and taken her home, not good .

From what the DD says, she agreed to him carrying her in , so problem solved .

she may need a different start time /soft start due to her SEN?
or a move out of mainstream school altogether?

That's an unusual special school. Physical contact between staff and pupils happens frequently in special schools and staff should receive a lot of training around this. Pupils usually each have there own care plan. Some children will like physical contact when upset and some won't but I have never come across it being completely forbidden.

I think you will find that many of us, who disagree with the OP, are not uneducated. I can even use full stops, possessive apostrophes, a capital I and spell government.

If the OP goes into the school griping about a teacher helping, she will be judged by most of the staff and I don't imagine that they are either ignorant or uneducated.

The OP and her DD will be left gawking, as the school gates close and that is exactly how it should be. The OP will long for the days, before she belly-ached-, when the teacher was prepared to help where she failed.

I hope tomorrow, she recalls her manners and thanks the teacher but, fired up by ignorant posters like you, she won't.

Me either.

My child is in mainstream even and requires daily physical contact due to his needs.

Excellent. Your son has responded well and she sounds like a wonderful Teacher.

Unbelievable. When were children given the impression that they can literally refuse to move and have the entire staff dancing round them??

He’s carrying her into school because you won’t. You need to say a quick goodbye and leave, why are you hanging around?

Children need you to hold their anxiety for them in these situations. You need to be breezy, business-like and upbeat, even though you feel worried. You will just pass it onto your child.

I agree it isn't ideal to be being carried round at her age - or any age really - by a teacher, but I'm glad she was not bothered by it. I'm slightly uncomfortable that she denied it at first - not sure why that bothers me, but in your position I'd have felt better if she had just answered straight and said she was fine with it.

Anyway, I hope she has a time of things being a bit easier for you with this OP.

I haven't ready the full thread but read all of your posts OP. Your daughter reminds me of my daughter in how her ASD presents itself. You seem to have a great understanding of her needs and instinctively know how she will be feeling in any given situation. Do not ignore that. A lot of the posters here have no clue what they are talking about. Unless they are in the same situation as you they can't possibly understand. It is absolutely not ok to carry your daughter in to the classroom. I'm sure he was well meaning but this can cause severe damage to your daughter and could actually increase her anxiety around school as she will now fear you leaving and the teacher forcing her in. I wouldn't even recommend you carrying her, pulling her by the hand or in any other physical way to get her in to school. This will traumatise your daughter. The school are not meeting her needs so this needs to be explored. Has she been assessed by an educational psychologist and an occupational therapist? If not, this is a priority. The school should be able to arrange but if not contact the LA and your caseworker. You may need to hold an emergency annual review of the EHCP. With regards to the other children in the class, they are not your responsibility, they are the schools and they will have to deal with things as they see fit. The teacher should have got another member of staff to help him so that he could teach the class. Also do not let them send your daughter home with you. This is unlawful. If you think it is in your daughter's best interests to keep her home or take her home then do so. But do not let them force you too. Good luck OP

It is your responsibility to get your child into school. Maybe don't involve the teacher at all if you're going to look for reasons to complain.

Picking a child up over your shoulder and carrying them in would absolutely count as a restraint in the eyes of the law that covers use of reasonable force in schools.This was done by a professional working with a child not a “fun” family member messing around with them.

Regardless to whether she agreed or not, this should not have happened.

Idiotic behaviour from the OP.

Poor guy. Doing his best to help her out, despite all the risks that may entail (because of people like her), and it sounds as though she is going to give him a hard time over it (yes, she walked it back a bit, I know, but still...).

This kind of thing, ie her reaction, is one of the reasons why men are so massively under-represented in primary education.

So, OP, how about spending your energy on telling your daughter to do the things everybody else has to, for once in her life (by the sound of it)?