'Babies are just as happy with the box something came in as they would be with any toy'
Some advice on surviving parenthood, as compiled by Justine Roberts
Wednesday November 3, 2004
The Guardian
The tips below were gleaned from the discussion boards of the parenting website www.mumsnet.com, of which Justine Roberts is a founder.
There is no correlation whatsoever between age, intelligence, career, how much you want a child, the happiness of your own childhood or pretty much anything, and the extent to which you find having children utterly boring or utterly fascinating, or somewhere in the middle.
Hatter
Bribery works.
Foxinsocks
It's perfectly OK to have a glass of wine at 5.30pm.
Ladymuck
Before children, luxury is a day at a spa. Afterwards it's having a bowel movement without someone shouting at you through the door.
Hmb
Feminism has done me no favours. I now have to cook, clean, wash clothes, look after a child as well as going to work, making important decisions and balancing the books.
Colditzmum
Baby wipes clean everything. So you can throw all your other cleaning products away - there's no need for them any more.
Davros
It is possible for a one-year-old to get stuck in a catflap, and if he does, it will be a toss-up whether you free them or run for the camera.
SoupDragon
You can tell your child's height by looking at the snot marks on your jeans.
Spod
If there's a hole, they will put something into it.
Misty
A small child weighing no more than two stone takes up at least two-thirds of a king-size double bed.
Agy
The male incapacity to keep hands and willy apart starts at a distressingly young age.
Mrsflowerpot
There's no one like a young child for letting your friends know what you really think of them.
Nightowl
Children don't actually die if they eat cat food ... it may even give them shinier hair and stronger teeth.
Anchovy
Babies are just as happy with the box something came in as they would be with any toy you could buy them. Consequently, second children mostly own boxes that boring things came in.
Wickedwaterwitch
Just when you have managed to move everything out of their reach, they will learn to get a chair to make themselves taller.
SoupDragon
Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day.
Spod
The number of people with second children makes it a statistical possibility that somebody, somewhere, will find your post-natal body attractive again.
Motherinferior
You will stare at other parents' buggies to check out whether they are better than yours even though you know it is a sad thing to do.
Jellyhead
No matter how squeamish you are, you will, at some point, cup your hands to catch their sick.
Hmb
You will prod your sleeping baby just to check they're still alive.
SoupDragon
Or you'll be too scared to go into their room at night in case they are dead.
Codswallop
You will regularly shout, "Stop shouting!" at the top of your voice.
Eulalia
Whatever your intentions, you will end up sounding just like your mother.
Aliceb
You will never watch the news in the same way again.
Coddy
If you drop the baby, it's an accident; but if your partner puts her down a touch too hard, it's grounds for full-scale war.
Twigless
Sometimes only a daddy will do.
Hausfrau
You will find that [your partner's] need for sleep is always greater than yours.
Jellyhead
It doesn't make you a bad parent if you draw a moustache on the baby for a laugh, but it's best not to do it with indelible marker the day before an appointment with the health visitor.
Monkeymagic
If you make home seem really boring, they will be much more willing to go to school.
Foxinsocks
You must accept that once your child can talk, they will from then on know more than you and you will become more stupid in proportion to their increasing knowledge.
Carn
Do not buy a yellow potty.
Clayhead
Other people's babies - the ones who sleep through the night from two weeks, and behave immaculately in later months - are cobbled together in a laboratory somewhere.
Motherinferior
If you feel there is any chance of the cuddly toy you are about to purchase being "THE ONE", buy two and save yourself a lot of trauma later.
Hausfrau
Never wake a sleeping baby - unless it's got jaundice.
Acnebride
At the supermarket, put everything they nag you for in your trolley, then, when they aren't looking, take it all out and scatter it in the aisles.
Codswallop
When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached.
Anchovy
Get one of those "radio" phones that allows you to walk about the house while you talk. That way you can wipe bottoms, sort out fights and even do the ironing while you chat to friends. Alternatively, you could tie a phone to your head with a pair of tights.
Hmb
Similar to Newton's third law, for every opinion in parenthood there is an opposite opinion - but not an equal one. Trust yourself - not your mother-in-law.
Fibe
· Justine Roberts is to present a new 15-part parenting series, Mums the Word, starting next Monday on Discovery Health Channel.
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