Mumsnet needs your best parenting tips!

[Justine (mumsnet)]

As part of the publicity for our forthcoming TV extravaganza - Mums the Word on Discovery Health (due on Nov 8th) - we are putting together a piece for the Guardian on mums' the top tips/ advice/ mantras from the parenting front line. It's supposed to be fairly light-hearted and witty - which is where you come in - and can be anything from something you wish you'd known much earlier to a really practical solution to an everyday parenting problem that you never would have dreamed would have worked before you'd tried it. The idea is to be a bit more colourful/ amusing than our usual daily tip on the home page so feel free to embellish a bit and use anecdotes. Many thanks in advance - can't wait to see them.

LOL Popsycal.
I may have posted this before but ds produced one in the bath and tried to pick it up and eat it! I moved very fast, I can tell you...

Teenagers will mess your house up, hog your msn, worry you with late nights and be a general pain in the &rse. But when dd1 finally packs her bags and leaves home for university, you will go into her bedroom, sit on her bed - and HOWL!

A small child weighing no more than 2 stone and measuring less than 90cms takes up at least two thirds of a king sized double bed.

arrrrr agy !!! and

Tell the little'uns when the ice-cream van goes past with the jangly tune on, all the ice creams have run out...

If you breastfeed your baby in bed, you will at some point wake up to find a "lovebite" on your boob where he has started sucking on the wrong bit.

I'd choose labour over learning to breastfeed any day. With labour you know it's going to hurt but to be over soon, nobody warns you about breastfeeding!

Never take parenting tips off other parents

Tiny babies can projectile poo as well as vomit. Dh got caught with this when dd was 1 week old. i heard a scream and he was stood dripping in the stuff and didn't know what to do. She alsocaught my mum but I always managed to change her nappy side on. She also let rip a few times in the bath- and it dissipates

small babies can produce rip-roaringly load noises in their nappies. When this happens to you in a quiet cafe/shop, don't point apologetically at your child - other parents will understand and those without children will avoid eye contact

No one tells that one day you'll be shining a torch up toy toddlers bum in the middle of the night checking for worms! They also don't tell you REALLY how long it takes to get rid of nits!!!

there's nothing like a toddler to let all your friends know what you REALLY think of them.

Deer poo in your garden looks just like chocolate covered raisins...

The best way to rinse a child's mouth out is to say "stick your tongue out darling, let mummy wash it"

The best way to cure constipation in a baby,is to let it crawl around without a nappy on.

Also,Vanish is great at removing baby poo stains from carpets.

Don't listen to obnoxious strangers who tell you that you are 'Mean to drag that child out' when you have surfaced for the first time after giving birth and are quietly having lunch with your mum and 3 week old baby (who is asleep).
Get your mum to sic 'em.

ensure the lid is down on the toilet before letting your child brush their own teeth, or you will be buying a new brush!

It doesn't make you a bad parent if you draw a moustache on the baby for a laugh, but best not to do it with indelible marker the day before an appointment with the health visitor.

Oh dear, I am crying with laughter. Loved the snot on jeans height test.
AND don't buy a plain blue Ikea sofa! Toddlers leave "snail trails" aka snot, all over the cushions and I have lost count of the times I have nearly killed my washing machine, washing the covers.

I learned that "bad" habits can always be unlearned, quite painlessly, compared to sticking to the "advice" doled out by books and HVs...

...and baby wipes are also fabulous for removing biro from skin.

if you feel it is best for or you know something is wrong with your child you are normally right so have belief in your self and your instincts

You will shout "stop shouting!" at the top of your voice.

Don't buy white T-shirts.

Tangerines stain.

Just accept that everyone else is doing a better job than you. Smugly reassure yourself that your children are more intelligent, beautiful, lively and responsive by nature and will get through some how.

Guilt is part of being a parent - get used to it...

instead of buying a changing table put the changing mat on the floor. Then you can have a shower while you baby plays and you don´t have to worry about them falling off the table.

Thank you, thank you. We're putting together in the next little while and will let you know when due to appear in the Guardian. Could do with a few more gems on "what you've learned about your partner from having children" if you wouldn't mind turning your thoughts to that...
cheers