Mumsnet needs your best parenting tips!

[Justine (mumsnet)]

As part of the publicity for our forthcoming TV extravaganza - Mums the Word on Discovery Health (due on Nov 8th) - we are putting together a piece for the Guardian on mums' the top tips/ advice/ mantras from the parenting front line. It's supposed to be fairly light-hearted and witty - which is where you come in - and can be anything from something you wish you'd known much earlier to a really practical solution to an everyday parenting problem that you never would have dreamed would have worked before you'd tried it. The idea is to be a bit more colourful/ amusing than our usual daily tip on the home page so feel free to embellish a bit and use anecdotes. Many thanks in advance - can't wait to see them.

ha haha lou33... i never encountered that response!!!!! just for the record, theres no way i would let a complete stranger latch on! or anyone else, just to get that straight!!!!! And yes, I did actually say that to someone, after weeks of being stared at, I was fed up and hormonal and its not as if my boobs were that attractive at the time... although MASSIVE THEY WERE!!!

It's perfectly OK to have a glass of wine at 6:00pm - 5:30pm if the dc's are being particularly obnoxious.

It's never too early to get dc's to start clearly up after themselves (ie toys back in box, plates and bowls taken to sink etc) but would advise against letting them change their own nappy until they are old enough to ensure that it is "just wet". IME this is not until they are over 2.

yoda-spod

Message withdrawn

The male incapacity to keep hands and willies apart starts at a distressingly young age.

You will start to find leftover fishfingers irresistable and they will make you fat.

don't let dh watch you express milk with a pump... he will either be amazed at the shape of your contorted nipple and want a closer look or be horrified... either of which will detract from the concentration you need to express effectively and permanently alter your sex life.

sometimes the highlight of your day will be opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a differnt coulour to the normal ones. you will then subconsciously debate which you prefer.....

at those spod

You won't believe it but poo can become an enjoyable lunchtime conversation

that can last for hours

never try and write a literature review for your phd supervisor at the same time as contributing to this thread.... there is no way to explain how the words 'nipple' and 'breast' relate to the topic area.... oh god that was close

I cant think of a single person that i have talked to in the last six months with whom i havent talked about poo.... how they hell does that happen?

Before you have kids luxury is a swish meal out, a day in a spa, of designer clothes.

After kids luxury is having a bowel movement without someone shouting 'muuuuummmy' through the bathroom door. Sigh.

When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in baby gros with feet attached.

you can tell how tall you toddler is these days by looking at the snot marks on your jeans

Once your boobs become functional, rather than merely decorative, you'll be amazed how many inhibitions you'll lose. You'll get them out at the cafe, on the bus, in the shop changing room (to test how practical the dress really is), and will even answer the door with baby latched on.

If you are going out somewhere smart do not get dressed until your baby/child is out of projectile vomit range.

When chosing a highchair, check to see how many nooks and crannies there are for food to get stuck in. The one I bought had 57 - yep, I counted them - it was a xxxxxxx nightmare to clean. Plus the release catch for the tray was in just the right position for a small child to undo with a well placed kick. Result - breakfast, lunch and tea on the floor. I ended up taking it back and saying either give me my money back or you clean it. I got my money back.

choosing even

Ensure your child eats all it's food, or you will finish it....and it will stay on your hips

Children's food tastes much better than adult food .. fish finger sandwiches, jelly and ice cream anyone?

Do not let your child eat a lollipop on a crowded commuter train.

With a young baby, when it takes forever to get out of the door (although ds is now 3 and we are still usually late) make sure your baby bag is stocked up the night before, I always used to replenish when we came home from wherever we'd been, so we were always ready to go the next day, pending three pooey nappies, obviously...

It is perfectly OK and indeed a selfless act of motherly devotion to eat your child's Easter eggs. Just think of their teeth and you should be able to force it down

I would also agree that baby wipes are excellent for getting stains out - it has worked wonders on my carpets!

Sweetcorn always comes out whole

You have no dignity anymore, with midwives and doctors poking around and you discuss the whole thing with anyone in gory detail and you are not horrified when they do the same to you

The best luxury in the world will be going to the toilet/in the bath/shopping with out the darling little angels, bless them

give up and let your one year old, and now wise to pudding baby have the banana half way through the main course, they will go back and finish their dinner after pudding....

raisins also always come out whole