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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

have you ever been the other woman??

110 replies

pokerstraight · 11/07/2008 17:55

if so do you regret it?
how did it turn out?
did you end up with the person or did you end things and if so why?
was the person married or did they have children?

OP posts:

Walnutshell · 11/07/2008 17:56

may I ask why you are interested...?

StarlightMcKenzie · 11/07/2008 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

madamez · 11/07/2008 17:59

Possibly. Once or twice. When I was in my teens I was dating a bloke who was very hard to contact and who my mother insisted was married and that was why he was so elusive.

zippitippitoes · 11/07/2008 18:00

no a useless answer presumably

Original poster

pokerstraight · 11/07/2008 18:00

Walnut - just a bit of personal research.

OP posts:

squeaver · 11/07/2008 18:03

Yes when I was VERY much younger.
Yes I regret it. VERY ashamed of it now
Just sort of stopped then I found a boyf my own age.
yes married AND children

redrobin · 11/07/2008 18:07

yes. he was married (with no kids). i am now married to him, and have 2 DDs. i wasn;t the reason they split up. they got married to save their failing seven year relationship. they split up within a year. i don't feel guilty. HOWEVER wouldn't have gone within a mile of him if he had had kids, or had been even vaguely happy. as it was, he was patently miserable, as was she. they would have split up, without any help from me.

muggglewump · 11/07/2008 18:10

Yes.
No regrets, one of the best guys I've ever met.
No marriage or kids.
We're still friends, I'd go to him with a problem in a second, although I've not seen him for over a year, he lives a fair way away but is always there for me online or on the phone and I hope to see him soon, in a normal, non sexual lunch setting

Original poster

pokerstraight · 11/07/2008 18:24

hmmmm ok so what if she's happy but he's not?

OP posts:

Jux · 11/07/2008 18:27

Yes, my dad had just died and my bf dumped me as soon as I told him so - I was going to dinner with this guy (working dinner and if bf hadn't dumped me and I wasn't so miserable from dad's death nothing would have happened). Anyway just wanted someone to be nice and he was. Knew he was married but he worked hundreds of miles from home and went back at w/ends. Knew it wouldn't last more than a couple of months. Knew there was 'nothing' in it or going to be. Told him I didn't want to hear about his family or that his wife didn't understand him etc etc. It was very nice, kept us both comforted at a bad time (he had problems too), fizzled out when real life started taking over. No threat to his marriage.

Ambi · 11/07/2008 18:30

I have but for one night stands only, so not intense relationships. I never felt guilty, believing that the guilt should lay with the betrayer. Hmm, perhaps that is wrong now I'm older and wiser but I was young and carefree and stuff like that didn't bother me too much.

bubblagirl · 11/07/2008 18:42

yes twice but without knowledge of it

as soon as i found out i was off

would never inflict that sort of pain on someone willingly and could never be with someone who can lie and cheat on someone they are supposedly in love with

expatinscotland · 11/07/2008 18:49

yes. i absolutely regret it. i was 19 and foolish and he was a 40 something professor with two kids older than i was. he was only a year younger than my own mother.

i did go out with a man who had been separated from his wife for 2 years - i saw the papers. then he started acting weird and come to find out it was because his wife had moved back in and i was OUT of there.

prettyfly1 · 11/07/2008 19:54

yes. one night stand - got pregnant. took him back recently. dont regret the one nighter. have a beautiful baby but have always felt massively guilty and ashamed for his family. part of me wishes it had worked out but he didnt love me so it didnt. he is seeing someone else and is still heavily involved with his wife so i am getting on with my life. however as much as it all hurt everyone involved and as much as i will get caned for it i would do it all again in a heartbeat. i loved him with my whole heart and i wouldnt give that back for anything. i have just learned to save my heart for someone who can share it.

why you asking, if planning an affair or trying to justify it in your mind dont go there. if he loves you he will be with you on your own. if he doesnt he will stay with his life and you need to find someone else. and bear in mind if there are children involved you will always be the reason they didnt grow up with a daddy if you split the marriage up. its not worth it and its not justifiable.

OrmIrian · 11/07/2008 19:57

I suppose I was briefly. But he wasn't married. In fact had only been with gf a few months which makes me wonder about the relationship that they had. No I didn't end up with him.

littlewoman · 11/07/2008 20:04

Almost was, but not quite. Managed to restrain myself but I was very tempted because he was so kind to me. But also married with children. I couldn't have handled the guilt and shame of separating him from his family

otherwomantwice · 11/07/2008 20:17

Yes, twice. Once with friend I slept with on and off for about 10 years. I was other woman through a variety of his girlfriends and then wife. Fizzled out due to us both growing up a bit and lack of access. Still friends.

Second was with someone from work, married with kids. Very intense for a while, I finished it, had enough, too draining and sorted my life out. He's still not sorted out and every so often gets all soppy with me, no feelings left my side.

Ashamed of myself tbh.

fuzzywuzzy · 11/07/2008 20:27

I'm probably going to be flamed, but having been cheated on (and I'm very happy he's no longeri n my life), I really wonder if the OW believes she's the only one wbeing nice to him as I'm evil and the marriage was really horrible.
My marriage wasn't horrible (not for x at any rate), I don't nag, never argue, dont get upset if he goes out with friends (yes I did get pissed off when he used to turn up with a million friends in tow at no notice and expect to be fed).
Why do women believe men when they say 'my marraige is a shambles I am unhappy', why dont women say 'well get out of the marriage then call me'? After all no guy on the pull is going to say 'I have a fantastic marriage and a fabulous sex life, but I'm a complete and utter shit undeserving of any woman however will you overlook this and screw me'.

prettyfly1 · 11/07/2008 20:59

lol fuzzy - noone is going to flame you for that. fromt he other side for the same reason the wife always believes it was a one off and he will never learn. you love them you see what you want to. eventually tho we all learn, the wife divorces the mistress moves on and they go on to ruin someone elses life.

WickedLady · 11/07/2008 21:34

Yes twice. Once in my early 20s, worked for him as a holiday job when I left uni. He was married, no kids, 10yrs older. I was impressed by his money, being able to take me out etc. Also I wasn't looking for a commitment just some fun and definitely didn't want him to leave his wife. His wife got pregnant so I decided it was time to call it a day. Met up with him a couple of years after we finished and haven't seen him since. Not bitter, have good memories, but it was never meant to be more than it was.
No 2. still ongoing, been about 7 years. Also worked for him (clearly a pattern) and fell for him immediately. Bit of a player, didn't trust him to start with, just a sex thing, but somehow ended up completely in love with him. He had a girlfriend when we met and I was with my DP. Never had the courage to tell him how I felt as was always convinced he didn't feel the same way. He got married last year to the girlfriend, but didn't tell me. I found out and it broke my heart. Turns out in big emotional drama that ensued he had wanted to marry me, but always thought I wasn't interested and didn't want to end what we had. Fool that I am, can't walk away, still can't keep our hands off each other, not sure how it's going to end....

TheGoddessBlossom · 11/07/2008 21:41

"he had wanted to marry me, but always thought I wasn't interested and didn't want to end what we had. Fool that I am, can't walk away, still can't keep our hands off each other, not sure how it's going to end.... "

Sorry honey - but he went through a wedding and said his vows, did the whole wedding day thing, but actually really wanted to marry you? Why ddin't he ask you then? He didn't really want to marry you darling. He wanted to marry the other one and carry on having you as the other woman. Which is clearly what he has suceeded in getting. lucky old him. Who's suffering here? My guess is you, mainly. Get out hon. Seriously. Been here, it's not fun.

fatzak · 11/07/2008 21:44

Not with anyone married ( as far a i know!) but spent my university years on and off with someone who had a long term girlfriend. Sad to stay that I still think about him

WickedLady · 11/07/2008 21:45

TGB - I know, believe me I know. Hard to give it up though isn't it ?

geekgirl · 11/07/2008 21:47

yes, in my late teens, with a bloke 20+ years older than me
no, don't regret it - it was a wild and crazy time, he was seriously loaded, v. good-looking and also came out tops in other departments
I didn't end up with him - he kept asking me to but the whole idea of that was too much for me...
He had a wife and two young children. Said that his marriage was dead... I did believe him, but then I was v. young, naive and terribly flattered by his attentions.

frisbyrat · 11/07/2008 21:51

Eewww, no. HTH.

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