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Original poster

have you ever been the other woman??

110 replies

pokerstraight · 11/07/2008 17:55

if so do you regret it?
how did it turn out?
did you end up with the person or did you end things and if so why?
was the person married or did they have children?

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 11/07/2008 21:52

Strangely enough yes, but totally unbeknownst to me.

You might wonder how it is possible to have a sexual liaison inadvertently. I'll tell you.

You make friends with a nice boy at university. Not very close friends, just general friends. You carry on being friends with nice boy. In and around being friends with other people. You have never shagged him. You have never snogged him. You meet his girlfriends. He meets your boyfriends. All is well. He marries a total loon. You are not allowed to ring him at home. You are not allowed to go out with him with his wife. You feel a bit sorry for him but too much bother to keep up with the loon so you drift off.

Then FIVE years later the loon phones you up at work and DEMANDS to know how long you've been sleeping with her husband and why you couldn't leave him alone ...

They're divorced now.

TheGoddessBlossom · 11/07/2008 21:53

Wicked - yes. Incredibly. In fact I don't think you ever really let go in your head. But physically, geographically? you have to, for survival. Nothing but fallout forever if you don't.

WickedLady · 11/07/2008 22:43

TGB - Thank you, I needed to hear it. I have tried to let it go so many times and end up going back. I have to be stronger. The ridiculous thing is if this was one of my friends' situations I would be the first person to tell them what a loser he is and is only in it for what he can get away with. Time to move on.

OverMyDeadBody · 11/07/2008 22:53

lol Quattro!

HappyWoman · 12/07/2008 07:53

Come havent all woman been able to be the ow at sometime in their lives - i know i have. I have never knowingly been though (one boyfriend was not very available but i did not know i was ow).

I have been the betrayed though and it bloody hurts.
I dont think i am so stupid to ever believe that a marriage is that unhappy because believe me it will get a lot worse if there is an affair.
I know the man is lying to both woman, but what i hate is the superior attitude of ow (and the fact that they knowingly put up with him being a liar - does that not ring alam bells). Usually the wife is unaware - and 'fights' in the first instance not because she is stupid but because it is shock and she has a lot to fight for too.
Those woman who can just kick them out - well good for you but i do wonder if there really was not much to fight about anyway.

So no would never be the ow and pity anyone that does - just hope they see sense and see it as a learning mistake.

sasa15 · 12/07/2008 08:06

yes I'm the other woman, I'm separating from dh, he hasn't give me enough attention...I still think is the good one...but I met someone different...and I start to go out with him...(10 months now) ...DH is looking to move from the house.....where we have been separate in the house...also we have ds 4 years old.

I don't know how my relationship will end with new bf....in the meantime...I will try to survive with less money and more calm in the house that I rent when dh will leave.
I did love dh so much...but I think my love went wasted a bit during the last 5years,,,

No all the man know how to threat a woman....
they think once they have got you, they don't have to do much to keep you going...
I'm italian and my culture is a little bit different from english....Even if I realise that everywhere is the same in the world I met warm english man and cold english man.

the only thing I want now is Ds not to suffer much....

I would like to read the best way to grow a child after divorce........looking for thread....!!!!!

Otherwoman · 12/07/2008 08:11

Yes. We have a child and are still together.

FWIW, his ex never knew. I'd been a friedn of his for 5 years and knew the relationsahip was coming to an end for numerous reasons. We never meant it to happen, we just fell in love and we tried to minimise the impact on her self esteem by waiting a few months until we 'came out'.

Otherwoman · 12/07/2008 08:24

he wasn't married or had kids

lucyellensmum · 12/07/2008 09:07

Yes - when i was very young, far too young for this person too who was married with children, and took advantage of me when i was no more than a child myself. Of course he was just using me and he left his wife for another one of his "tarts" who only wanted him for his money and bled him dry. I do feel terribly guilty about it, but my age and the fact that i was absolutely infatuated with him was my "excuse".

My Father had anotehr woman. Long term, it didn't end well, in as much he came back to my mum, who actually treated him like shit tbh. He would have been better off with the other woman but he came back for me - i feel guilty about that.

I would never ever be the other woman again as i have witnessed the harm it can do. I have also gained the scars to my self esteem and happiness that it is to be the other woman.

My BIL married his OW and had two children with her. He had one child from the previous relationship but thankfully it was all settled amicably and everyone SEEMS to get along ok. His first DP was a prize bitch and was messing with someone else while BIL was very ill in hospital. His "OW" is lovely.

BecauseImWorthIt · 12/07/2008 09:23

I went on a course when I was right at the start of my career, a week long residential thing, and ended up with 2 blokes 'sniffing around'.

Both were married with kids.

Nothing happened with the first one - I didn't fancy him , but I saw the second one for a few dates. All soppy stuff - hand holding and ardent kissing, but nothing more.

It was very heady being treated as if I was so incredibly desirable.

Then I came to my senses and realised what an utter knob he was being. His excuse was that his wife was pregnant with their 3rd child.

Lovely guy.

I am ashamed that I allowed it to develop as far as it did, but very relieved that I had the sense to stop it when I did.

It's bollocks to say that things 'just happen'. You make a conscious decision to have an affair with someone - even if you think you really love them, that's no excuse.

Otherwoman · 12/07/2008 10:27

We didn't have an affair, we fell in love - well we'd actually been in love with each other for years but had never said or done anything, each thinking the other was unatainable. It only took one tipsy conversation to realise that we felt exactly the same.

There were no kid involved. Relationships end and new ones start. It happens. It's horrible but there are thinsg you can do to lessen the pain of the ex, if you acknowledge it. More pain is caused by people pretending to be ignorant of the emotions involved and trying to justify themselves or blame the other person. It wasn;t like that here. The realtionship was dead and had been for a long time, there were no kids, they slept in seperate rooms and were basicvally just companions. Why settle for that if there are no kids? YOu only have one life.

If he had had kids nothing would have happened - it's not an attractive feature for me in a man. I've had men with kids try it on, but have told them where to go every time.

Dp and I have been together 7 years now, known each other 12 and have a child and are very happy. His ex moved on quickly and has travelled the world and is in a happy realtionship. Spitting is never easy, but lets not pretend we should all just suffer a bad realtionship pre kids when you don;t need to.

fizzymum · 12/07/2008 10:44

I once slept with a man, not married but had a girlfriend who was about 7 or 8 months pregnant at the time, unbeknown to me.

Met him in a pub, we chatted all evening, he was charming, funny, you know how it goes. He came back to mine we chatted again for hours, I liked that about him that he didn't just try and get in my pants the second we walked through the door. We ended up sleeping together and didn't exactly make an official date to see each other again but a kind of I'll be there on such a such day, if you happen to be there too.....

Meanwhile I'm raving to a friend about this wonderful guy that I'd met, said his name and told her the distinguishing accent he had and the penny dropped for her. She knew him and he had a heavily pregnant girlfriend.

I was devasted. Not because I had wanted to see him agian but because I was single at the time due to my exH having an affair.

It certainly taught me a few lessons!!

YouNeverKnowIMightFlounce · 12/07/2008 10:52

yes i was and no dont regret it.
i am now very happily married with two gorgeous daughters.
like someone has mentioned earlier in thread old relationships end and new ones begin....

why ask? i'm interested now too lol

macdoodle · 12/07/2008 11:17

Youneverknow - I am so pleased for you and really hope his DW is so pleased and happy and if not its so nice to know that you don't regert causing someone that much pain - I hope one day you or your DD's don't go through such a betrayal perhaps then you will learn some empathy and humility

Amphibimum · 12/07/2008 11:33

i have had a fling with someone i knew to be in a relationship, but not married and certainly no kids.

my dad (who i adore) was shagging this woman for two years before he and my mum finally broke up. she was introduced to us as his 'new girlfriend' after the breakup . she was a feminist poet and counsellor and actually had the gall to publish a poem about f*cking the builder who was doing her roof extension. what a bitch. there were 4 of us, ranging from 3 to 14yo, and she couldnt just keep her grubby hands to herself . feminist my arse. not that its her fault, it wasnt even the first time hed cheated on my mum. wonderful father, shitty husband it would seem. still, one out of two aint bad eh?

girlnextdoor · 12/07/2008 11:33

yes- in my early 20s and again later.

Man 1 his wife had left him for another man, but she came back and he didn't dare say so- til I found out myself and it ended. we never actually had full sex so maybe it wasn't an affair

girlnextdoor · 12/07/2008 11:39

macdoodle- nobody OWNS another person. You cannot tie a person down, or rid the world of women, who might just cross their paths. a man or woman cannot be made to leave their partner if they are happy. They have a choice- and ok, I know you will say that by being the OW you maybe give them a choice that would otherwise not be there, but OW don't break up strong marriages- an affair is usually the sign of something not being right.

I am sorry if you have been left, but in your heart, you must surely acknowledge that your partner had free will to make his choice, so it is no good blaming the OW or being bitter- it happens, and it's very sad, but you will find someone else if that is what you want.

Monkeytrousers · 12/07/2008 14:43

oh this is an interetsing theasd!

Many people start affairs as a means of ending the realtionship they are in.

I don;t see hiow, if theres ni kids involved, it is a terriblt bad thing.

Splitting up is alwasy painful, if someone else is invlved or not. If a realtionship is over what are you supposed to do??

prettyfly1 · 12/07/2008 14:50

girl - mac had a really hard time with her ex and was very brave about it. its easy to say they leave willingly and there were faults in the marriage until you are cheated on and your family are torn apart. i halped someone do that. this discussion has happened so many times on this site but the truth is there is no hard and fast rule for why affairs happen, or how or with whom. its a fact of life and we dont need to do anything then respect the different views we all hold on it. (just thought i would step in before the inevitable row broke out!)

Monkeytrousers · 12/07/2008 15:18

Breaking up a family is very different from the sort of drift that sometimes happens when one relationship is ending and another beginning isn;t it though?

Breaking u[ a family is a pretty shitty thing to do and you are basically lying down in a bed of thorns aren't you, as people just cant make fresh starts when their are kids involved.

prettyfly1 · 12/07/2008 15:26

i dont know really. i got involved when they had already seperated and were still living in the same house. i told myself it was nothing but the truth is that he was still going to their house, their life and their family every week, staying with me at the weekend. had he really cared about me he would have moved into his mums a lot sooner then the three months it took him and started to work things from there. the kids were involved and i always felt like the mistress from that day on. an affair is an affair is an affair and whether at the end of a relationship or the middle - if oyu meet someone new you end your current position before starting something new if you care about either woman. anyone who says different has not been in that position themselves. yes it happens, yes its a sad fact of life and i for one dont resent anyone any happiness at all however it doesnt make it right. there is an old phrase. "you cant build happiness on the back of anothers misery". i dont think anyone witha real conscience would cope with it for long.

prettyfly1 · 12/07/2008 15:29

i think your point about fresh starts is wrong tho. if thats the case none of us have a chance. i think a fresh start besed on respect of the feelings of all involved, total honesty and openess and a hel;l of a lot of time and compromises can be done to great success. but it takes a very special relationship to do it.

ingles2 · 12/07/2008 15:31

yes... but I tried very hard not to be.
dh was in a relationship (not married not that it matters) and had a teenager when we met. We were friends for a very long time, we both knew we wanted a relationship. I slept with him and then felt so guilty I left the country to give him a chance to repair his relationship. After a year, he came to the States and got me back.
We've now been together 14 years and married 10.
I never ever thought I'd be the other woman, I certainly didn't intend to be and I'm also not awfully proud of the way we got together or any hurt I caused the ex. On top of that the 1st 5 years were very very hard, emotionally and financially.
That said I don't regret it for one moment, we are a great team, we are happy together and have wonderful dc's

Otherwoman · 12/07/2008 15:33

Dp did end it with his ex immediately, he moved out immediately. We didn?t to anything but admit to our feelings and within a week he had moved out so there was technically no overlap in anything physical. We waited 3 months before moving in together.

I don?t agree about the openness. He left immediately but didn?t tell her about us. She would have been devastated. Why inflict that on her? How would that have made it better? For who?

YouNeverKnowIMightFlounce · 12/07/2008 15:50

In response to macdoodle perhaps you should have asked me the full story before making assuptions that you have. The marriage was over before i was involved she was also haing a affair with her best friend which she brought a house with when the divorce was through.

So perhaps before you tar everyone with the same brush think twice.

my children have nothing to do with this

and yes i am very happy thankyou

and i have plenty of empathy and nothing to be humiliated about.

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