have you ever been the other woman??

[pokerstraight]

if so do you regret it?
how did it turn out?
did you end up with the person or did you end things and if so why?
was the person married or did they have children?

Yes, I was. He left her for me (they weren't married, no kids, but were living together and in a long term relationship). We've been together for 7 years now, are married and are expecting our second child together. Do I feel guilty? Not really, no - not now. I felt guilt at the time, along with lots of other emotions, as did my DH, and I certainly wouldn't advise any of my friends or loved ones to get involved with an attached man...but shit happens, we've all moved on and life is good for everyone involved now.

I don't blame dh's mistress. I do blame him. But she did meet me, and she met our children, and she still had an affair with dh. I am sure he span her a lot of crap about how it was all over (in fact I know he did because I saw some of it) and I know that she was very unhappy in her own marriage. But it was still a shitty thing to do, and I would never ever ever do it myself. Sure relationships end, but you shouldn't start a new one until the last one is properly finished.

Yes, when I was 20 and young and stupid. I do regret it and am ashamed by my behaviour. He was 33, married with 2 kids.

He left her for me, then went back to her, left her again, went back, etc. This went on for about 6 months till I said enough is enough and slammed the door on him. He lived with his wife for about another 2 years then left her (noone else involved this time).

I was by now married to my dh.

He has since married someone else.

I suppose I get some confort from the fact he did leave her later on when there was noone else involved - makes me think that when he said his marriage was over and he was only going back as he missed the kids so badly maybe there was some truth in it. Even her best mate said they had an awful relationship. But still feel very guilty.

God do i regret it. I was the OW i am quite new to MN but did my first post a few weeks ago title TO ALL THOSE WHO THINK THE GRASS IS GREENER,... sorry I don't know how to add the thread.

I "believed" my marriage was truly beyond repair - now realise it could have mended if I had given it a chance.

OM left his wife - kids grown up - moved in with me and turned into a fucking monster beyond belief. I honestly cry every day how I fucked up my life and that of my darling DC. OM is a alcholic drinking at least ten pints of really strong lager every night, abusive, mean, uncaring --- I could go on and on.

I read a quote recently " The best revenge if a woman steals your husband is to let her have him" well I truly ended up with shit in my face - one of my parents died recently i bought the grave next to theirs - i wish i was in it every day believe me ...

Thanks prettyfly
No rows here from me ...am past it by now TBH
But am obviously scarred by what happened to me - and those that say "hey well I am happy, shit happens, we have kids now yada yada - so was meant to be" and just seem to have no empathy or care of the damage or hurt they cause...just get right up my nose...IMO the end does NOT justify the means!
These threads keep coming up (am sure by OW seeking to justify their actions)...and am no way excusing the men involved they are obviously the shits...but as said MANY times before the OW have to accept some of the blame and hurt...I too have been the OW (unknowingly) and was devastated by the hurt I caused the poor girl - and when he came crawling back to me (while still seeing her) making excuses - I told him where to get off - if he had ended with her and then come back it would have been different ( I was in love with him)....I am ashamed of what happened even though I didn't know she existed until she appeared (long story shipboard easily done)....
I have been on both sides and TBh I would rather be hurt and left than be the one causing that hurt - and no matter how unhappy the marriage or whatever he says it is a shitty thing to do - why not leave before you meet someone else if it is that unhappy I don't buy it for a second - and of course you only have his story don't you.....

Justcallme - oh that is so sad please don't feel like that - noone deserves that NO ONE x

Yes
badly
no
not married, one child

I was only 19, and he 20, how was I to know he lived together with his fiance and 12 month old son if nobody told me?

Around these parts it was the norm to not marry and have kids till after university or other education.

I broke it off, but their relationship did not mend. Turns out she was my flatmates cousin.....

MAC thank you for your kind word but I did this to myself and DC. I deserve everything I get.

I swear to God if another lady reads my earlier post and is put off having a stupid affair then at least I have saved another person this misery. I hate myself so much but feel i have to stay in this relationship as i brought it on myself .

Justcall me, you need to get over it and move on, and not "wallow" in your own stupidity. I read your thread, you have my sympathy, but you dont have to play a martyr.

And that came out a lot more crass than I intended. sorry.

McD completely agree and i am wondering why there are so many threads on this at the minute and agree it's likely ow seeking justification or the same old posters posting their reasons that are simply on why people have affairs.

Mac - no bother missy

Repeating the old affair thread - affairs happen for a million reasons. sometimes people genuinly fall in love and try to work it out, others are just selfish feckers who think from their willies (and noo noos - equality and all of that )

what is very apparent from almost all of these threads is that it is rarely a happy experience, there is almost always more then one victim - and oddly the women are almost always very very young, often without their own families and usually end up very very badly hurt.

perhaps a little more compassion and a little less "all ow are bad" OR " all ex wives are bitter old witches with an ax to grind" and a little more "what wxxxkers the men who do this are" might be more appropriate.

and to the woman who thinks she deserves this - six weeks ago i thought the same.

for the sake of your child get up, get dressed and get the hell out of there. this is not your fault. you do not deserve this and even if you think that your child doesnt so damned well leave him NOW. noone deserves to feel like you - i suspect you did his wife, who i imagine suffered the same - a favour. now do yourself one and tell him to fxxk off.

Yes, at least twice, in my 30s.

Neither bloke left his partner for me. I got quite hurt both times. One is still a friend, the other isn't.

Justcallme - please do not make yourself and your DC suffer for one stupid mistake - there are plenty of OW on here who have moved on from their "mistakes", regret what they did/who they hurt (whether they are with the tosser man or not)...you need to do the same....

otherwoman - yes and i was pretty much in your position and i told him not to tell for that reason, however there needs to be openess between the new partner and him. when you go into a relationship with someone you had an affair with you know what they are capable of. therefore the only chance it has is total honesty. without that its got no chance.

just - listen to mac - she speaks sense. i should know. she said pretty much the same thing to me not so long ago.

Yes, twice. Both times big mistake. One was my dads boss! Very bad behaviour indeed. Only lasted six months and was a fling but made me feel bad which is worst of all.

The second time got me out of a marriage which was abusive and going nowhere!

I wish I had had the guts to do it without the relationship though but I had been told by xh that I was nothing and no one and the relationship with the married man gave me hope I wasnt.

glitter - i can see how that would happen . sometimes you just need someone to gie you some love and affection and when its like that it almost doesnt matter whom it is.

MrsM ' how long did was it before he finished with his gf?

Prettyfly -its easy to say they leave willingly and there were faults in the marriage until you are cheated on

NYes- that's the whole point- when you are left, rational thought goes out the window. I don't see how the point I made was not respectful or valid- others may not agree, but that doesn't mean I have less right to make a point than they have.

I'm sorry- I know macd was hurt- but that doesn't mean I can't say what I, and plenty of other people believe, to be a fact.

Relationships end- sometimes before another one begins, sometimes that other relationship is the reason it ends- it is sad, but all men- and women - have a choice. If a relationship is strong, another person cannot end it- it ends because it wasn't right, and if it didn't end because of the OW or OM it may well have ended anyway, further down the line.

It is very, very sad for the person whois left, BUT it is also very sad for the person who leaves because they feel guilt, and they have also been unhappy in the realtionship too- otherwise why would they look elsewhere and try to find the happiness they obviously crave? Would you condemn 2 people to a relationship that isn't working?Yes, they should end their marriage first, but like isn't like that- there is too much judging going on here.

girl - you and i have discussed this many many times - and i would never condemn anyone to anything - my concern was that other people were - hence the respect thing. it wasnt a dig at you love - more a bit of a protective response to mac - you know what i said on this when it was the woman whose partner had left for her and she thought she might be cheating. there were some lovely people who thought she deserved it.

however the person leaving to go to a new relationship however guilty they feel does it with someone else. they dont cry into their beds with loneliness at night. they dont wonder if it was them? They have the new prson to comfort them through it and a new love to take the sting off the pain. like i have said a hundred times affairs happen for so many reasons that it is impossible to generalise in any direction. love is love. sometimes it dies, sometimes it is faked sometimes the other person kills it and cheating is the only way out. but ultimately there is very rarely not a victim and it is very rarely not the wife regardless of why the split happens. and nine times out of ten the mistress hurts as well. it doesnt matter how we rationalise it - in the majority of cases someone gets hurt. however i still maintain that love is love and it will continue to happen and we dont need to snipe at each other over it. everyone is allowed to have a different opinion. its what makes the world go round.

GND you are clearly a champion of the OW/OM - you are perfectly entitled to that...no problem here...
I will never be convinced that the OW/OM doesn't also have a CHOICE ...IMO that choice involves morals, empathy, emotion and decent human behaviour....you can disagree all you like ...
No one has ever defended or dismissed the H/W behaviour...there is NO doubt that they in the wrong/the betrayer....but come on ....it takes time to fall in love and anyone who tells me "it happened at first sight"...crapparoony..
Any woman (or man) who sits and listens to another person slag off and moan to them about their current partner and then FUCKS them is pretty low in my book...and that is MY opinion ...TBH it was that before I was cheated on and just reinforced by both my H and his OW behaviour...not any way I would behave, aspire to behave, teach my DD's to behave ....or be proud or happy off in any way!

prettyfly excellent post

hello lilly Here we go again ...nothing better to do on a sat night ....