Seeing a man for 7 weeks, lovely when we're together, but his communication is making me question things!

[Mumof189]

I've been seeing a man for around 6 weeks. I'd really appreciate some honest opinions, particularly from anyone who has experienced something similar.
He lives around 100 miles away, but he makes the effort to drive over to see me most weekends and ive been to his. He takes me out, we do things together, he's affectionate and he's told his mum and friends about me. He puts loads of effort into the dates.
So there are plenty of positive signs, and I don't want to ignore those.
However, his communication is very different depending on where he is.
When he's at work, he messages regularly, calls me babe, sends kisses and hearts, asks how I am and will often send several messages if I don't reply. He also lets me know when he's busy or going into meetings.
But when he's at home, particularly evenings and weekends, he can go hours without replying and sometimes i dont hear from him until the next day once he has finished work. Sometimes I don't hear from him at all until the following morning. Hes been ill alot tired and thats usually his reasons. I dont need texts all the time, but the pattern has made me question things
I appreciate that tiredness and changes in routine could explain some of this.
There were two weekends in particular that really bothered me.
Around his birthday, he said he was ill, and his communication was really vague. I'd sent him birthday presents, but it took four days for him to open them all. I felt quite hurt because I'd made an effort and didn't feel particularly acknowledged but i didnt bring it up.
The weekend before that, I was due to drive up to see him. He barely communicated on Friday evening, then on Saturday said he was feeling ill. I was supposed to arrive around 2pm, but i didnt hear from him 12pm.
He has frequently brought up his male mate seeing a few women and says he thinks it's awful and disapproves.
I know none of these things individually proves anything. He makes a genuine effort to see me, and I do believe he enjoys spending time with me and has said he wants to build something but my cut is saying something else here. But I can't help wondering whether he could be seeing or entertaining someone else as well.
We haven't actually agreed to be exclusive yet, which is something I know I need to clarify but he has said he will ask me to be his gf soon.
I've been cheated on in previous relationships, including by men who introduced me to their mums and friends, so those things don't automatically reassure me.
My questions are:

• Have you experienced a man who is very attentive during working hours but distant at home and at weekends?
• Am I reading too much into the changes in communication?
• Would you be concerned, or would you put it down to tiredness and a new work routine?

I'd really appreciate honest opinions, including if you think I'm overthinking things.

I would assume he is married or in a relationship.

Not been in your position because have been with DH for nearly 30 years and since before social media and messaging was a thing. But, i certainly had some romantic disappointments and heartbreaks before meeting him and, sadly, I do think you’re right to be concerned.

It’s odd and a bit wrong that he communicates with you while at work but not while at home. Also, going strangely quiet around his birthday suggests he was celebrating with/being made a fuss of by another woman. How do you know he’s told family and friends about you? Have you met them or has he simply told you this?

It does sound as if he may already be in a relationship and you’re the unknowing OW - you being 100 miles away might really suit him. And what’s this bollocks about him asking you to be his girlfriend soon as if he holds all the power and it’s just his decision? How arrogant and patronising. He’s telling you that as far as he’s concerned he can see other women for now. Why’s that okay to you?

You have only been seeing each other for 7 weeks so you scarcely know each other. Him making a huge fuss of you when he visits you creates a false sense of knowing each other when only time can give you that and makes it all sound a bit love-bomby. Sorry not to be able to reassure but I think your gut is right to question what’s truly going on.

I had something similar... as did a friend of mine. Both guys married. It's much easier for them to find someone who lives miles away.

When they barely communicate outside of working hours, it means they are with their wife/family.

Hes GOING to ask you to be his girlfriend? He has said that at some point in the future THEN he will ask you to be his girlfriend? He is clearly out there dating others, dangling this carrot and lying about who he has been with etc. Have you met his mother or has he just said he told her about you?

Match his energy. Slow down your responses to him. See what happens. I bet it’ll drift into nothing.

Stop investing so much in him. I’m of the same opinion as others. And, who gets ill so
much? Hmmmm? How do you feel about an unhealthy sickly partner?

Trust your instinct. Hes playing the field

Do you know for sure he’s told his family and friends about you, or have you just taken his word for it? Presumably you’ve never met them? The radio silence at weekends and sudden tiredness and illness is all very odd, as is cancelling last minute when you’re travelling a long distance to see him.

Trust your gut. At the very least I’d say he’s juggling arrangements between you and another woman, or in the process of extricating himself from another relationship; at worst he’s married or living with someone.

I agree 100 %

Have you never been to his home?
he has a gf or a child or he’s in love with his laddish housemates or he’s a gaming addict or he lives with parents and is ashamed to say .
he’s also an irresponsible worker if he texts his gf all day during working hours.
wouldn’t trust him as far as I can throw him. He was spending his birthday with the people he is actually in relationship with.

Exactly, any man who is serious about a woman locks her down immediately, he is clearly making it known you’re not bf and gf now so that you can’t be annoyed at him for sleeping with others right now

If the OP has been to this man's house it would suggest he's not married, unless he managed to wipe all evidence of his wife for the visit.

I do think he's love bombing someone closer to home in the evenings and for all I know a third woman on the weekends he "ignores" the OP's messages.

I wouldn't be interested in dating a partner who lived 100 miles away unless he or I was prepared to move closer in the longer-term, which is unlikely.

Is he ten? What's with the going to ask you crap. That'd be a no from me.
He says he disapproves of his friend who multi date, he's going to say that isn't he. Doesn't mean he's not doing that himself. I think he's with someone else when he's not gone quiet on the messaging front. I'm often sceptical of men who date far from home. Assume they're not shitting on their own doorstep, little chance of getting caught cheating if you cheat on a different city. Sod that.

It sounds like your daytime messaging is quite intense. Could it be that he’s just in the gym / doing garden work / watching a film in the evenings and not has his phone with him all the time? I think you should have a conversation with him about communication and each others expectations and patterns.

I don't see what he is doing so wrong to deserve the responses above to be honest.
You have only been seeing each other for 6 weeks so not a long term committed relationship. You have probably only met 4 or 5 times. You are not exclusive. It normally takes more than a handful of dates to form a serious relationship. You are still getting to know each other.
He has a life out with your relationship that doesn't revolve around you. He is probably busy or exhausted in the evening. It takes time to establish a relationship and your space within it. Because of the distance it's not as simple as just including each other in every day life.
You say that you have been to his (house presumably) so you know a wife/ family doesn't live there.
He makes a huge effort to see you (200 mile round trip). He travels to you more than you travel to him so he is spending time and money to get to know you.
But that's what makes long distance relationships so hard. It's always an effort and involves planning never easy or spontaneous.

I dated someone similar to this. Turned out he was seeing other people or had relationships who knows I didn't hang around to investigate.

In comparison my now husband when dating was never ill, never cancelled a date and didn't go a day not communicating with me. Its was so simple and easy going. Never had to decipher behaviours or messages or play games/hard to get. None of this will he ask me to be his gf or not it was early doors clearly interested in being exclusive.

I'd let this one fizzle out op

Why or how did you end up seeing someone who lives 100 miles away? I can't see any good reason why either of you would be interested in that. It would make perfect sense for him to have a wife/girlfriend and seek someone a long way away to cheat with. But presumably you're an honest person and making this unusual choice, so it's entirely possible he is too.

'He has frequently brought up his male mate seeing a few women and says he thinks it's awful and disapproves.'

This is a well known tactic of cheaters, to build up the image of them in your mind as someone who would 'never cheat, he has strong morals about it'.

Thanks for all the replies. So I have been to his, spent the weekend there. He has a male house mate. No signs of a woman. I just asked him this morning if we are on the same page and we arent dating anyone else as im investing my time into this. He got quite annoyed and said he doesnt understand why id think he was up to something. He wouldnt be coming to see me if he wasnt invested. He said maybe its to do with my ex why I feel like this. I said twice. Im not accusing im asking as we aren't exclusive yet and my past has nothing to do with it. I dont have trust issues. Hes from the same area as me. We know mutual ppl from around the area and just got talking. I have done long distance before and I liked it as more effort would be put into the time we were together as we didn't just see one another every day.

Yeah i was also thinking him bringing up his house mate and what gets up to maybe a tactic to make out he wouldnt do that and see my reaction but I dont know this for sure

Sounds like a viral thing cough cough

Hes also come off social media said its for his mental health

Oh definitely this.
I dated someone who was very against 'this' and 'that' I thought odd to mention but ok. Turns out was very much into this and that but really wanted to manipulate the vision I had of him.

We can honestly only guess op, you need to figure out a) if you trust him because he might be telling the truth on all counts but also b) if he is already with someone

7 weeks! Give him a break.

That's a very reasonable question to ask and yet he went full darvo. That alone would suggest potentially his communication and conflict skills aren't great. Possibly very immature at best at worst abusive and manipulative.