Seeing a man for 7 weeks, lovely when we're together, but his communication is making me question things!

[Mumof189]

I've been seeing a man for around 6 weeks. I'd really appreciate some honest opinions, particularly from anyone who has experienced something similar.
He lives around 100 miles away, but he makes the effort to drive over to see me most weekends and ive been to his. He takes me out, we do things together, he's affectionate and he's told his mum and friends about me. He puts loads of effort into the dates.
So there are plenty of positive signs, and I don't want to ignore those.
However, his communication is very different depending on where he is.
When he's at work, he messages regularly, calls me babe, sends kisses and hearts, asks how I am and will often send several messages if I don't reply. He also lets me know when he's busy or going into meetings.
But when he's at home, particularly evenings and weekends, he can go hours without replying and sometimes i dont hear from him until the next day once he has finished work. Sometimes I don't hear from him at all until the following morning. Hes been ill alot tired and thats usually his reasons. I dont need texts all the time, but the pattern has made me question things
I appreciate that tiredness and changes in routine could explain some of this.
There were two weekends in particular that really bothered me.
Around his birthday, he said he was ill, and his communication was really vague. I'd sent him birthday presents, but it took four days for him to open them all. I felt quite hurt because I'd made an effort and didn't feel particularly acknowledged but i didnt bring it up.
The weekend before that, I was due to drive up to see him. He barely communicated on Friday evening, then on Saturday said he was feeling ill. I was supposed to arrive around 2pm, but i didnt hear from him 12pm.
He has frequently brought up his male mate seeing a few women and says he thinks it's awful and disapproves.
I know none of these things individually proves anything. He makes a genuine effort to see me, and I do believe he enjoys spending time with me and has said he wants to build something but my cut is saying something else here. But I can't help wondering whether he could be seeing or entertaining someone else as well.
We haven't actually agreed to be exclusive yet, which is something I know I need to clarify but he has said he will ask me to be his gf soon.
I've been cheated on in previous relationships, including by men who introduced me to their mums and friends, so those things don't automatically reassure me.
My questions are:

• Have you experienced a man who is very attentive during working hours but distant at home and at weekends?
• Am I reading too much into the changes in communication?
• Would you be concerned, or would you put it down to tiredness and a new work routine?

I'd really appreciate honest opinions, including if you think I'm overthinking things.

@GreyCarpet
No he was very open about his drug use in his 20s. But I heard things from other ppl that know him that have said different but like I say it may not be true as I dont know what to think.

@FrauPaige I never said they were expensive dates you have misinterpreted what ive said and we go halves or take it in turns for things. Im not being wined and dined and cant let go, thats an awful assumption to make. He just comes up with ideas and puts a lot of planning into our weekends and what we do. When do we bicker we actually get on really well just confused with the pattern ive picked up.

Nobody is perfect - not you, not this guy (not me!) - but the right relationship should feel easy. You posted because you have a nagging feeling that something is fundamentally wrong because this guy's communication patterns are strange - and you're right: they are strange. Posters have suggested why that might be (another woman, drugs etc). The fact that he didn't properly address your concerns but went on the offensive is negative.

It does sound like you're not ready to walk away and that's fair enough. You're the one who actually knows him and the fact that he lives in your home town and you met him through mutual people means you have some more context for him than would often be the case with a partner who lives 100 miles away. But keep listening to your gut.

The majority of posters are telling you to walk away from him but you don’t seem to be getting the message OP? Why is that?

I wonder if it is actually his mum though or a fake account by him made to look like mummy to keep tabs and also lend to his story/make the girls feel special

Im starting to think maybe thats what hes up to on the weekends

I thought he saw you ‘most’ weekends. And there’s only actually been six or seven weekends since you started dating.

I’ve asked twice already but I don’t think you’ve answered: how many times have you actually met him in person?

You keep talking as if this is a long term relationship but this is a man you barely know. You’re saying things like ‘we get on really well’, ‘we do things together’ etc but the fact is that you’ve barely spent any time with you, he refused to describe you as his girlfriend and he only contacts you when he’s at work or at his dad’s.

You say you’re chilled about it but you really don’t sound chilled. You sound like someone who is completely besotted and treating four or five dates and some sexting like a relationship, and he is very clearly a wrong’un who isn’t single and has been lovebombing you from the start.

All of this is insane for six weeks and a few dates.

I wondered the same thing.

All of this. The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

This ⬆️

Why you are bickering already with all this drama at 6 WEEKS in and still around baffles me beyond comprehension. Get a new hobby.

Good communication is also asking questions.

@Neighull No im not treating it like a long term relationship at all. We do get on im being honest but im not silly its very early days so we are bound too. We have been chatting for about 6 months prior to starting dating but thats still nothing in my eyes. We have spend about 5 weekends together friday to monday and when we first started chatting we met up a couple of times but i didnt want to date at that time.

@Irritableowlwan
Why are you bickering? Who's bickering? Im so confused

@HundredMilesAnHour
I asked if anyone had been through simular and what peoples thoughts are on this. im listening but I do make my own decisions myself and decide whats best for myself then do what strangers tell me to do on the Internet. Im merely asking opinions that is all

Thabks for your replies not the harsh comments that jumped to conclusions about myself wow give your heads a wobble. I asked if anyone had experienced simular and if you agree the pattern was strange that I picked up but some reason that makes me sound 'besotted' 'intense' 'a mug' to name a few. Clearly man haters to come at me like that and im apparently expected to just dump him straight away after reading through these comments wow. No more replies please your a bunch of twats!!!

YOU said in your post when you and he bicker. Why a few weeks into something are you bloody bickering?

You are a true delight with that attitude.

At the risk of having my head bitten off... 😉

Ultimately, OP, you've asked for other people's thoughts and you've had them.

It's hard to read lots of people holding a similar opinion especially when you know that there are things people here can't know - eg how he is with you, how well you connect, the potential you see and the hope you have.

Some responses will feel harsh because people can't comment on him personally because they don't know him but what they can do is recognise patterns of behaviour.

Eg him not having SM. Some men say they don't when they do because they are living a hidden life; want to present/be read as single and not have a girlfriend messing that up; know you wouldn't want to date them if you saw the things they shared/accounts they followed. Some people just really want to get to know someone well before they add them and it's easier to say they dont have it than explain and justify that. And some people really have come off it. You'll never really know and so you have to look at all of their behaviours as a pattern to make your own decision on whether someone is a decent, honest and trustworthy person or not rather than explaining each one away in isolation..

But this will feel like a well trodden path to some of the women posting and their harshness will be borne of frustration that you aren't seeing what is clear to them.

Are they right? Well, no one knows. They might be. And these might just be a set of unfortunate coincidences that paint a picture that isn't reflective of the truth.

Ultimately, people take time to read and respond not because they hate men but because they hate to see women tie themselves up in knots and overanalyse dysfunctional men and their confusing behaviours.

When i was in my 30s, I was far more inclined to give men the benefit fo the doubt than I am in my 50s because those extra years of experience have taught me that if someone's actions seem a bit questionable it's because they should be questioned. None of the men I had concerns about and to whom I gave the benefit of the doubt proved me wrong.

But I agree that there is a tendency on here for some posters to expect immediate action and thats just not really realistic.

Whatever decision you make, be happy with it and stay vigilant.

He's been 'ill' alot in 6/7 weeks. He's married for sure! Drop it and know your worth

He may not even live with the housemate. You are clearly developing feelings which is making you see his contact pattern as unusual. Develop your boundaries and stick to them and bail out if breached?

He's definitely playing more than one at a time men are expert at that whilst playing on our emotions