Seeing a man for 7 weeks, lovely when we're together, but his communication is making me question things!

[Mumof189]

I've been seeing a man for around 6 weeks. I'd really appreciate some honest opinions, particularly from anyone who has experienced something similar.
He lives around 100 miles away, but he makes the effort to drive over to see me most weekends and ive been to his. He takes me out, we do things together, he's affectionate and he's told his mum and friends about me. He puts loads of effort into the dates.
So there are plenty of positive signs, and I don't want to ignore those.
However, his communication is very different depending on where he is.
When he's at work, he messages regularly, calls me babe, sends kisses and hearts, asks how I am and will often send several messages if I don't reply. He also lets me know when he's busy or going into meetings.
But when he's at home, particularly evenings and weekends, he can go hours without replying and sometimes i dont hear from him until the next day once he has finished work. Sometimes I don't hear from him at all until the following morning. Hes been ill alot tired and thats usually his reasons. I dont need texts all the time, but the pattern has made me question things
I appreciate that tiredness and changes in routine could explain some of this.
There were two weekends in particular that really bothered me.
Around his birthday, he said he was ill, and his communication was really vague. I'd sent him birthday presents, but it took four days for him to open them all. I felt quite hurt because I'd made an effort and didn't feel particularly acknowledged but i didnt bring it up.
The weekend before that, I was due to drive up to see him. He barely communicated on Friday evening, then on Saturday said he was feeling ill. I was supposed to arrive around 2pm, but i didnt hear from him 12pm.
He has frequently brought up his male mate seeing a few women and says he thinks it's awful and disapproves.
I know none of these things individually proves anything. He makes a genuine effort to see me, and I do believe he enjoys spending time with me and has said he wants to build something but my cut is saying something else here. But I can't help wondering whether he could be seeing or entertaining someone else as well.
We haven't actually agreed to be exclusive yet, which is something I know I need to clarify but he has said he will ask me to be his gf soon.
I've been cheated on in previous relationships, including by men who introduced me to their mums and friends, so those things don't automatically reassure me.
My questions are:

• Have you experienced a man who is very attentive during working hours but distant at home and at weekends?
• Am I reading too much into the changes in communication?
• Would you be concerned, or would you put it down to tiredness and a new work routine?

I'd really appreciate honest opinions, including if you think I'm overthinking things.

This

• Only dating a few weeks but coming on strong
• less contactable outside of work hours
• cancels at short notice with excuses
• has come off social media
• keeps going on about how bad cheating is
• says he has told his mum and friends about you really early on
• seems really keen but didnt open your presents for days - opening presents doesnt take a lot of energy even if you are ill..
• has got defensive and blamed your past when you've brought up concerns, surely if he was a decent bloke he would have been concerned he was giving you the wrong idea and want to rectify it?

Other than him talking to you less outside work hours which is CLASSIC cheater behaviour, the birthday thing is your big tip off here - feels a bit obvious that he was with someone else over that time hence why he couldnt spend 5 minutes opening the presents....

Hes very intense most of the time but its just odd theres always an excuse why I dont hear from him as soon as he gets home and yes he could genube tired and he could have berb ill for a week but he was fine to text during the working day but always too ill in the evening or at weekends hes not with me hes vague and not so intense like he is during working hours. Its just confusing I dont expect constant messages ive just noticed a pattern and if I dont respond straight away when hes in work I get a few messages checking everything is okay. I work too and its hard to maintain.

He hasn't canceled on me yet. He was just late getting messaging ne when I was going to his and waiting on an address

OP, you’ve only been ‘seeing’ this man for SIX WEEKS and you live 100 miles apart. He sees you ‘most’ weekends. How many times have you actually met him? Four? Five at most? And already you have a ton of doubts.

You barely know this man and in a matter of weeks you’ve already got loads of examples of things that don’t feel right. This isn’t going to work.

Also, sending multiple birthday presents to a man you’ve only seen a couple of times is a bit odd. He’s not your boyfriend. He’s a man you’ve been on a four or five dates with. At most.

So many red flags here.

EDIT: Just seen that he expects instant replies to his messages when you’re at work and chases you if you don’t answer straight away. He’s bad news. Ditch him. The early intensity, the blowing hot and cold… just no. He’s not good.

This screams married or in relationship op
And you would be surprised how well they can hide it .

My thoughts on reading about the absence when he's at home were that he's a gamer.

My husband plays Eve Online, and when he's engaged with the game, he gets totally engrossed, and can easily lose track of time. (We've had to have a discussion around his gaming hours, and he was actually shocked to realise that he'd been sitting at the computer, either playing or on YouTube, for 6-8 hours non stop, and he's now reduced that considerably)

I can hear his phone pinging whilst he's playing, but he is completely oblivious.

We are much older than you, married for over 40 years, with no children to worry about. He's retired, I'm still working 3 days a week, but yes, my first thoughts when reading the OP was gaming.

So you have identified a pattern.

Seems like the guy might have another interest locally.

Look if you were the one he would drop her like fire.

The coming off SM is a red flag too!

What are you getting out of this long distance relationship now?.

I’d dump him He used DARVO on you when you asked him a very reasonable question. If this is what it’s like after a mere 7 weeks you are going to be on for more of the same love bombing and game playing from him.

Do read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

My thoughts are whether he’s borrowing a room in dodgy mates house occasionally to “demonstrate” his singleness when he’s very much not and “housemate” is actually “house owner” 🤔.

Either way, the annoyance (plus blaming your past for “trust issues”) at you for asking the reasonable question in whether you’re exclusive, the strange texting pattern, the intensity, the social media thing etc. it’s all building a bit of a pattern of red flags. I’d proceed incredibly cautiously or (preferably) not at all. Are there any mutual friends you can get more context on him from?

As others have said, match his energy and don't get too invested.

Asking for clarity with what's happening and him getting annoyed is a red flag though, I'd consider throwing this one back in.

He's defensive, little contact on evenings and weekends, and no social media? Yep, there's a girlfriend or wife tucked there somewhere.

Don't assume just because you've been to his home that there isn't a woman on the scene. My friend's boyfriend would bring women to their apartment while she worked night shifts - he would hide her toiletries, photos of them etc. and she would come home to fresh bedsheets...

Sorry OP, at a guess I would say this isn’t his home address. It’s his mates. It all sounds too hard work this early on. I would be backing off massively from this guy.

Does he get lost in gaming?

There’s numerous red flags with this guy, but it doesn’t really matter what is actually going on as deep down your instincts are screaming at you that this isn’t right. You need to listen to that, those uncomfortable feelings of something not being right here. You don’t need evidence or explanations as he’s just muddying the waters and making you doubt yourself. This man is dangerous and you need to listen to your gut.

I’ve been there many times desperately looking for the small positive signs and ignoring the blatant red flags and my instinct and it always ends in tears, or in an abusive and controlling relationship.

don’t doubt yourself and don’t waste your time. Get out now. Block this guy and his gaslighting controlling messages that it’s your fault. It’s not, it’s his actions.

I highly recommend burned haystack dating method, it reshapes how you think and value yourself and will transform your dating life.

Trust your gut - he’s up to something and not being honest. My guess is he’s still playing the field. Which would be fine if he were being honest and gave you the option to accept that or get out.

Also, is he 14? “We haven't actually agreed to be exclusive yet, which is something I know I need to clarify but he has said he will ask me to be his gf soon.”

I suspect he’s waiting to see how all his options, including you, pan out. And if you are daring to question him (on completely valid concerns) he’ll have already made a mental note that you could be “hard work” so don’t be surprised if his communication starts to drop off altogether now.

Male house mate? I'd hazard a guess this is the 'male house mate's' house and this guy uses it when OP comes to visit...having left his partner/wife at his own house

OP it’s very obvious he’s married or in a relationship.

Hmm he sounds very defensive.

Married!

Before me and my husband lived together he was exactly like this, the reason was because after he finished work, had tea, been the gym, showered, sorted work stuff for the next day and life admin, it was late!

I bet that’s not his house . It’s the ‘housemates’ house and he’s in on his shenanigans

If this is the best he can do it's just not good enough. Are you not worth more than this?

He's cheating but he's blaming you for having doubts (classic DARVO). You are going to end up being seriously emotionally and mentally abused if you stay with this man. He's already convinced you he's told his mum about you. Yeah, right 🙄

They were only tiny gifts and I felt it was a nice gesture as he did the same for my bday as close to one another