Seeing a man for 7 weeks, lovely when we're together, but his communication is making me question things!

[Mumof189]

I've been seeing a man for around 6 weeks. I'd really appreciate some honest opinions, particularly from anyone who has experienced something similar.
He lives around 100 miles away, but he makes the effort to drive over to see me most weekends and ive been to his. He takes me out, we do things together, he's affectionate and he's told his mum and friends about me. He puts loads of effort into the dates.
So there are plenty of positive signs, and I don't want to ignore those.
However, his communication is very different depending on where he is.
When he's at work, he messages regularly, calls me babe, sends kisses and hearts, asks how I am and will often send several messages if I don't reply. He also lets me know when he's busy or going into meetings.
But when he's at home, particularly evenings and weekends, he can go hours without replying and sometimes i dont hear from him until the next day once he has finished work. Sometimes I don't hear from him at all until the following morning. Hes been ill alot tired and thats usually his reasons. I dont need texts all the time, but the pattern has made me question things
I appreciate that tiredness and changes in routine could explain some of this.
There were two weekends in particular that really bothered me.
Around his birthday, he said he was ill, and his communication was really vague. I'd sent him birthday presents, but it took four days for him to open them all. I felt quite hurt because I'd made an effort and didn't feel particularly acknowledged but i didnt bring it up.
The weekend before that, I was due to drive up to see him. He barely communicated on Friday evening, then on Saturday said he was feeling ill. I was supposed to arrive around 2pm, but i didnt hear from him 12pm.
He has frequently brought up his male mate seeing a few women and says he thinks it's awful and disapproves.
I know none of these things individually proves anything. He makes a genuine effort to see me, and I do believe he enjoys spending time with me and has said he wants to build something but my cut is saying something else here. But I can't help wondering whether he could be seeing or entertaining someone else as well.
We haven't actually agreed to be exclusive yet, which is something I know I need to clarify but he has said he will ask me to be his gf soon.
I've been cheated on in previous relationships, including by men who introduced me to their mums and friends, so those things don't automatically reassure me.
My questions are:

• Have you experienced a man who is very attentive during working hours but distant at home and at weekends?
• Am I reading too much into the changes in communication?
• Would you be concerned, or would you put it down to tiredness and a new work routine?

I'd really appreciate honest opinions, including if you think I'm overthinking things.

You don’t say how old he is (unless I missed an update) but the fact his mum has viewed your stories makes it less likely he has another woman/wife, and much more likely that he’s an unbearable man child incapable of holding down an adult relationship with clear, consistent communication.

It’s a bit rubbish he got annoyed at you for asking if you are on the same page about seeing other people. It’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask at this stage.
im in a similar situation so reading with interest

You’ve been dating six weeks and his mum is viewing your Instagram stories?!

Again: you have only known this man six weeks and he lives 100 miles away and only sees you ‘most’ weekends. How many times have you actually met him? I don’t think you’ve said?

Can you not see that it’s mad that in just a few weeks of occasional dating, he’s bombarding you with OTT messages when it’s convenient for him and pesters when you don’t reply? And that he’s then a massive hypocrite (or with someone else) for ignoring you at other times? And he got pissy with you when you asked to clarify where you stand? And that his mother is following you on social media, a woman her son has just had a few dates with? Literally everything about this ‘relationship’ is a red flag. I agree with PPs that he probably has a partner - not necessarily one he lives with - but even if he doesn’t, everything else about this (non) relationship should have you running for the hills.

Sorry, OP - perhaps he's not in a relationship but why is his mum viewing your IG stories? That in itself is a bit odd. Especially if you're not actually his girlfriend yet. You don't have to say but I'm curious about how old you all are. If he's still rather young then that may be put a bit of a different spin on things but it's not very impressive if he messages all day while at work but doesn't message on his own time. At the very least, he sounds rather immature.

Im 37 and hes 36

@Mumof189
I’m with you on this. I would also see the pattern and inconsistencies, and would definitely find it quite odd.

I think he’s possibly got someone else on the scene.

Perhaps pull back, quietly observe and then make your decision.

I think his mom checking your SM is also a red flag. Mommy's Boys are a do not date, run for me. His lack of communication when he's not at work is a red flag. I think it's a red flag he's both texting you a lot from work, we hich might be he's a slacker at work, and expecting you to answer, which could mean he doesn't take your work seriously or he feels entitled to your attention over the work that pays your bills.

When you asked him if this was exclusive, his huff makes me think the answer is really no. I think he's also seeing someone local to him and that's why he's less communicative outside of work.

You can't have seen that much of him on 6 weeks and he's already flying some red flags. I wouldn't fall for this one. Date if you want, but don't get invested.

Hes bored at work

Why is he ill so often? This would make me suspect drug use

@Neighull Well he told me he did coke in his younger days. Like his 20s. I cant stand drugs and made that clear after he told me but everyone has a past good or bad and its not me to judge now what he did years ago especially if it doesnt affect myself but ive found out today he has been on benders with his housemate over the summer. Now it could be false. Im starting to think maybe thats what hes up to on the weekends. Again I cant accuse him and I dont want to be overthinking things. I think its something I need to keep an eye on and find out for sure

Well unless he has a medical condition, what im saying that a man his age, who goes AWOL in the evenings and weekends and is constant rundown, is probably managing a cycle of going on a bender and dealing with a comedown, and if this is happen regularly yet he is still holding down a job, then the drug in question is probably coke

@Neighull is it possible for him to do on the evenings though? And still get up and drive to work?

What do you mean? Like is it possible for him to go on a bender on Tuesday night and then get up and go to work on wednesday morning? Sure

Yeah. I have mentioned to him today that it would be nice to hear from him some evenings. He said we do talk in the evenings, its just been the last few nights (its been the whole time) he has messaged me in evening when he was at his dads for one night and that was all about sex. He has since said he has to work late tonight

Something is very iffy here. He’s hiding something from you. It could be

A) a chronic illness / condition (unlikely),
B) a drug problem (much more likely)
and/or
C) you’re the other woman

Given your anti-drugs, surely him telling you he was using over the summer would be enough for you to walk away unless this is purely casual for you?

The mum thing is also very weird. Why does she even know you exist at this stage, let alone be looking at your social media?! You live 100 miles apart, only see each other at weekends and have only been ‘together’ for 6 weeks!

You say you have mutual connections and that’s how you met? I suggest you do some very discreet asking around if you intend to carry on ignoring all the red flags.

Firstly 6 weeks is nothing at all and hes told his mum about you etc? How do you know?

Secondly id say hes still in a relationship with someone.

Hes a stranger still at 6 weeks. Be careful

Well also he preferred to attack and fight, to simply answering the OP's question!

He's in a relationship. His mate lets him use his spare room as a shag pad, or he lives there some of the time when he's not staying with his girlfriend. Whatever it is, you're right - something's very much amiss here. Ignore his messages all day tomorrow and see what he does. Then at home time tell him you've been pulled up about phone use at work and you need to stick to outside of work hours. But honestly, spare yourself the aggro and end it. You know something's very wrong, you just don't know what.

Just this is enough ick

And why can his mum view your stories.....youve known this man 42 days!!

So his story has already changed around his drug use? Seriously, OP. He's not sounding any better with each post.

You don't need to give him a chance and you can definitely do better.

Just remember, this is the point at which he's making the most effort and trying to impress you

This is the best version of him you're ever going to see

🙄 come on, OP...

Oh he definitely lives with someone doesn’t he.

And I don’t mean his flatmate. It’s not uncommon for someone dating a person who receives benefits to maintain their own accommodation, even if they spend most of their time at their partner’s home. They may not yet be ready to commit to living together permanently, particularly when doing so could mean their partner losing entitlement to benefits and them having to take on the resulting financial responsibility.

OneShyQuail
My account was public as I have quite a large amount of followers but ive since made it private.

I'm still stuck by your framing of this, OP. You make it sound like a long term relationship when you have only had a few dates and are just over a month in.

I think it is a mistake to judge a man by the "effort" he puts into dates. That effort - whether it is high ticket wining and dining, unique activities, or weekends away - is unsustainable, and tells you nothing about how the relationship will be with this person 3 months time let alone 3 years down the line. Early dates should be accessible, low cost, and centred on assessing compatibility and building companionship.

It sounds like he has been spending a lot on these high effort dates and that you have enjoyed that, and are now reluctant to let that dating experience and lifestyle go, despite the obvious inconsistencies.

You are already bickering like a couple with the battle scars of time - at just over a month of seeing this person once a week at best.

Just move on.