Thank you to everyone who has checked in and asked how DD1 is doing. I really appreciate it. 💐
It’s been a real rollercoaster.
The night before last was particularly challenging. She was very up and down. She did stay at the new house, and I used the tactic someone had suggested on my previous thread, explaining that “Daddy will be enjoying some time on his own, just like Mummy did when you were all away on holiday with Daddy the other week.”
She was so concerned about him and kept asking me to pinky promise that he would be OK while she wasn’t there.
We played board games before bed, which she loved, but the minute we got into bed she broke down in tears again. She said we’d always told her we wouldn’t split up, and now it had happened she felt sick. The tears are just heartbreaking, such raw emotion every single time.
She has a stuffed teddy she always sleeps with, which is still at her dad’s. I’d deliberately left it there because realistically we can’t be passing a teddy between houses every couple of nights. I had a blanket here that she’s had since she was a baby and asked whether she’d like that instead. Poor little mite slept clinging to it all night.
Then yesterday we actually had a lovely day. We spent the day at the house baking cakes, playing football and generally having fun. Some new neighbours walked past while we were playing outside and introduced themselves. They asked how long we’d be here and I said 12 months (it’s a rental). DD1 immediately came running over to tell me she’d heard what I’d said. Why 12 months? She thought we’d only be here for a shorter time. How many days is 12 months? She must have mentioned the 12 months another half a dozen times throughout the day.
STBXH had been trying to ring the children repeatedly, which I find slightly bizarre given that he can quite happily go away for a weekend, or even a week, without ringing them. I didn’t allow him to speak to them on the first night as I wanted them to settle into the house without any further upset. We called him yesterday morning instead.
He told DD1, “The house is very quiet without you all, I’m really missing you.” Which, of course, immediately played on her heartstrings. She keeps telling me she misses Daddy and asking whether he’s OK. Again, this is so out of character. She’s previously gone up to two weeks without really speaking to him and barely mentioned him.
Yesterday afternoon she had a Halloween party. She arrived and immediately announced to one of her school friends, “My mummy and daddy have split up.” Her little friend kept telling her how sorry she was that this had happened. Bless them both. At the end of the party, she left by making her friend pinky promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone else about her “secret”. Halfway through the party, Pink Pony Club came on. DD1 came hurtling towards me, hysterical. I genuinely thought she’d hurt herself. It turned out it was “her and Daddy’s song” and she missed him so much. She was hysterical.
The only place I could take her for some privacy was the toilets, so we spent about 15 minutes in there while she sobbed her heart out. Why did this have to happen? This was her worst fear come true. When could we go back to the old house? Could she please just go back there to sleep that night? She misses daddy so much and doesn’t like this. It was absolutely heartbreaking. Particularly because she’d only spent one night away from him, and as I’ve said, this level of distress about being apart from him is completely out of character. Eventually she calmed down and we went back to the party. She got back into things with her friends and seemed much happier. We came home and she was generally OK, other than a few little tears and questions at bedtime.
I’m working SO hard on reassurance. Constantly explaining that none of this is her fault, how loved she is, that she doesn’t need to worry about Daddy because that’s not her job. It’s our job as parents to look after her, and we will both continue to do that with an abundance of love.
I can however see that she’s starting to question whether I’m responsible for the split. Last night I tried to explain, in terms she might understand, that sometimes people don’t treat each other very nicely and that it’s important to have the strength and courage to walk away from that. I told her that she’d seen herself some of the things Daddy had said to Mummy, and that Mummy had been very sad for a long time. She nodded and said, “Yes, and how he always walked out when you were speaking to him.” I tried to put it into a context she could understand. I asked how she’d feel if someone in her classroom was constantly telling her she wasn’t good at things, or speaking to her nastily every day. I explained that Mummy had felt a little like that, but that everything was going to be OK. She seemed to understand the logic. I have no idea if this is right but I also don’t want to be vilified in this.
Then, a little later, completely unprompted, she said:
“I have lots of crushes on boys in my class, Mummy, but I’ll never marry someone who speaks to me nastily because I don’t want my children to ever feel like I’m feeling now.” That was the dagger. I don’t think I’ll ever forget those words.
So that’s where we are. A complete rollercoaster.
I’m now looking into child therapists because I think she really does need some support beyond what I can give her. I’m slightly worried she’ll be reluctant because she’ll see it as yet another thing happening to her because of the separation, but I think it’s important.
I’m also conscious that I’ll have had three nights with the children by the time they go back to their dad. Three nights of working incredibly hard to reassure DD1, build her confidence and help her feel secure, only for her potentially to be brought straight back down again.
I really feel he needs to be reassuring her that everything will be OK, rather than telling her how much he misses her and how quiet and lonely the house is without them and how terrible a situation it is. She already feels responsible for his happiness, and I worry he’s unintentionally (or otherwise) reinforcing that.
As for STBXH, that’s a whole other matter.
It’s almost as though he’s been in complete denial until now, and the children actually staying at my house has finally made the penny drop.
He keeps messaging me things like, “We are both going to miss out on 50% of our children’s lives growing up now because of this.” He knows exactly how much that will play on my emotions. I just ignore those messages.
He also repeatedly tells me how much damage this is doing to DD1. Having seen her reaction over the last few days, I can hardly disagree that she’s struggling terribly, but I keep responding that this is precisely why we both need to behave like adults and support her through it.
I’ve told him that ringing her to say how quiet the house is and how much he misses her isn’t helping. She needs reassurance from him, not to feel responsible for his sadness.
He then sends more messages listing all the ways he’s been a wonderful husband and father. Devoted, loyal, faithful, loving, funny etc. There were about eight adjectives in the latest one. I replied that it was a shame he’d never really appreciated me or everything I did.
And that’s about where we are.
I’ve got one more night with the children before they go back to him. The youngest two honestly haven’t got the foggiest. They’re completely absorbed in the excitement of the new house, the gadgets, their bedrooms and the novelty of everything. Neither has asked once about STBXH. They’re just enjoying themselves.
DD1, on the other hand, seems to be carrying the emotional burden of the entire separation on her little shoulders.
I know it’s very early days and I can’t expect her to adjust overnight. I just wish I could take some of this pain away from her.
I am going to email school and let them know what is happening and how DD1 is. If I email to ask to see the teachers I’ll be waiting days and I feel it needs to be on their radar the minute she goes back next week. Is there anything else I should be doing?!
If anyone has been through similar with a particularly sensitive, emotionally aware child, I’d really appreciate any words of wisdom. Especially anything that helped them feel less responsible for the other parent’s happiness, or helped them begin to feel secure between two homes.
Thank you again to everyone who’s been so kind. 💐