He came back, is it love or convenience?

[Junebaby84]

This is a long complex one…

I met my ex boyfriend at work in November 2019..during early covid we both survived a round of redundancies so started chatting via text during the lockdowns. Once restrictions relaxed towards the end of the year he moved in with me while the house he’d bought during covid was completed with the view of me moving in with him.

to cut a very long story short what proceeded was then 4 years of back and forth hot and cold behaviour he told me living with him didn’t line up with his gut feeling he refused to let me meet his family. Hed say he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship, He’d end our relationship only to ask to see me a week or so later. I know what you’re thinking why put up with it? But I was so confused at this point due to the intermittent reinforcement nature of the relationship I just wanted the version of him I’d experienced at the start.

anyway by last year I’d had enough and cut all contact. June this year he shows up out of the blue saying he wanted to come back to me he’s realised he wants to be with me. Oh and that he’d had to sell his house due to loosing his job and he’s been living with someone else and she got to meet his family! I was devastated. He said as soon as he moved in with her they both realised it was a mistake and he moved into a separate room and she’s let him stay there for 7 months as a lodger essentially.. or so he says.

he’s pulled out all the stops to apologise.. done some real grovelling and while I do love him and he’s now offering the relationship I’ve always wanted with him it’s tempting to give it a go the other part of me feels like this is all a little too convenient because I have my own house and he’s realised the grass isn’t greener. He says he loves me and couldn’t handle it and his issues at the time.

thanks for reading all of that. I know deep down to tell him no but there’s a part of me that respects his honesty and thinks am I overreacting I’m also devastated this woman got to live with him and meet his family when I was denied these experiences for years.

“AltitudeCheck · Yesterday 21:13
Wow.... he was a shit boyfriend first time around, and now he's an unemployed, homeless shit boyfriend who's last ex had to kick him out after 7 months of his freeloading.
Don't be a fool, you don't need a homeless man who just lost his job as your boyfriend do you?”

This and this:
“grinandslothit · Today 06:47
How many more years of your life are you going to waste on this loser? Block him and never speak to him again”

I think you should also seek out therapy to examine why you put up with his shit before and why you even considered having him back this time. The fact you love him isn’t a reason. Sometimes we love in the wrong place in which case we need to follow our heads not our hearts and allow that love to burn itself out.

He’s trying to make out that he’s a catch and women are desperate to be with him, so you should be desperate and grateful to take him back. That’s the extent of his “honesty”. He thinks you are beneath him and he’s doing you a favour. The truth is undoubtedly the opposite, you are the catch here, not him, but you can’t see your own self worth because he’s ground it down. Do not take him back under any circumstances.

The fact that he’s trying to make you jealous by mentioning another woman wants him tells you everything you need to know. He wants you to think he’s some prize to fight over.

He doesn’t love you OP. He uses you. He is trying to come back because he thinks you’re a doormat. Prove him wrong.

There is such a thing as having a relationship without living together you know.

This 1000000%

and they treat you so well in the early days also

Christ, woman, give me his contact details and I'll break up properly with him. Whilst you go and do some therapy. Go, be free, have a happy life away from this specimen.

Hes a manipulative fucker. Run.

First post nails it as always

Hi all, mine was the first reply and although I'm delighted that so many agree with it, I want to let you know that those words are not originally mine - I've read them as seriously good advice elsewhere on MN threads before. I just happened to remember them, and they seemed appropriate to the OP's situation. 🙂

OP - I'm glad you have seen the light.

Thank you all for your replies. I will be re reading them all each time I feel even the slightest wobble and to keep me strong

I doubt he's honest Op, trust your gut instead of trusting him

i think he was seeing you both at the same time. If him and Ex are ok enough for him to live there, ask to go round to hers with some questions or if they are really split up surely you could go to his place/spare room. Nope he is having you on - get rid him.

he’s now offering the relationship I’ve always wanted with him

No he isn’t, he’s looking for somewhere to live.

Come on OP, how absolutely flakey he is. You have your own house, he lost his. He has suddenly had this epiphany now his ex has chucked him out.

And here he is, back at your door after you took him back time and time again and still treated you with zero respect.

Don’t be his ex’s leftovers.

Send him packing, block him and read some self help books.

@Junebaby84 Everything he just said is a load of flim flam bullshit and it's not even plausible bullshit.
I've met people like this and he comes across as someone who lives to lie and is unable to ever be straight with anyone, least of all himself. He's deeply insecure and image conscious and shallow.
He also said someone from his past recently reached out to him asking if he would be interested in getting together

• translation "I had so many people in my past who fancied me because I am awesome and still do, I am in demand and if you don't snap me up there are plenty that will."

and he said to me even though we aren’t together I still said no to her because I’m learning.
Translation ""I'm learning that I am now homeless and need to shack up with you and maybe you will pick up some of my bills too because I am in such demand and I am a catch and I managed to mess you around like this the last time, so you are my best bet."
and
"I'm saying I'm learning because I hope you will think that means I have grown as a person and improved and have reached a higher plane and that I have learnt enough not to mess you around like I did last time.But I'm hoping you don't pick up on the fact than I've made zero promises. "

I didn’t get myself into another mess because I want to focus on you 🤦🏻‍♀️

"I want to focus on you curing my homelessness by letting me move back in. I didn't let myself get into another mess ( but clearly I was tempted) because that would wreck my attempts to move in with you. "

You said that you needed to pay for therapy after you split last time, I think you have to decide if he's worth the amount of new therapy its going to cost you when he plays his tricks on you again.

It's difficult if you are feeling lonely and someone pursues you offering a ready made relationship and telling you that you are wonderful. But I think you know he doesn't mean it.. and if he doesn't then what kind of cruel user is he? Don't let him win.

I find when men come back like this, they go for the safe bet. The one with a job and a home who is reliable and steady.

I had a man disappear on me out of the blue after a long on/off relationship. He left it a year and the other day he posted a handwritten letter through my letter box at 9am in the morning completely out of the blue saying he would love to see me again. Probably been playing the field for a year and now wants to settle down. My ex-husband did exactly the same after a year and appeared to have a personality transplant but it didn’t last and we split up again because he was fundamentally the same person.

I never did understand this reasoning when a woman says, oh I just met someone and they are nice. Of course they are nice! everybody is nice at first! Even the worst man knows how to behave for a period of time. anywhere from a week to months to years

It’s such good timing that he’s suddenly decided he loves you given he has a dodgy housing set up.

1. You think hes using you. Thats not a great start, you arent going to feel more secure. You know the answer, you dont need to ask us
2. He seems to commit regularly for short bouts. Especially when hes broke and homeless and needs some fuss
3. What exactly do you love? The inconsistency? The rollarcoaster? The breadcrumbing? Homeless, jobless and horny isnt sexy
4. Have you heard of the gambling concept in relationships? - Judging a partner based on who you hope they will become rather than who their current, consistent actions show they are and who theyre happy being. You invest in them because you want who you think they could be and you invest in them over and over and get just enough "wins" to give you a dopamine hit and convince you to keep going. Thats a road to gamblers ruin.

And that he also said someone from his past recently reached out to him asking if he would be interested in getting together and he said to me even though we aren’t together I still said no to her because I’m learning. I didn’t get myself into another mess because I want to focus on you

This isnt a compliment. Its probably lies, its definately begging, and its saying if you dont agree someone else wants me, you should be jealous.

Also "learning" is code for watch out i could still make a "mistake" here.. youll never be the only option

He doesnt want you for the person you are he wants a warm bed, dinner ready and a blow job probably. Honestly if you want a freeloading man in your house get a cat

@Laura95167 Have you heard of the gambling concept in relationships? - Judging a partner based on who you hope they will become rather than who their current, consistent actions show they are and who theyre happy being. You invest in them because you want who you think they could be and you invest in them over and over and get just enough "wins" to give you a dopamine hit and convince you to keep going. Thats a road to gamblers ruin.

yes! Reading about intermittent reinforcement is eye opening! Really explains why we keep going back/trying in relationships that clearly aren’t healthy and giving us what we need.

he’s also previously called me a ‘disruption to his life’ because I questioned him about going to a festival with his friends sister rather than me after I’d paid for us both to go see a band a few weeks prior.

i guess he got into my head as he’d said he didn’t even need to tell me any of this he said he could of easily moved back to his mums then come back to me and pretended she’d never existed. he also threatened to block me the other week over how I’d reacted to the hurt he’d caused me.

I think writing all this down makes you realise my god get some self respect woman so thank you all for taking the time to listen. To have all helped loads 😊

Are you mad?

Someone who threatens to block you or says he deserves points because he COULD HAVE lied and manipulated you but didnt is already telling you hes not above that. He will block you if you dont immediately excuse his shit behaviour? Sounds like hes threatening you with a good time.

A man doesn't have to be kind, honest and consistent but he can be, if he chooses to. And you should pick one who chooses to.

And incase I was remotely too subtle you shouldnt choose this one. Youre convenient. And Im going to tell you something controversial here... he might love you.. maybe with everything he has. But why does it matter? Does it make any of this better? When he behaves like this and leaves you feeling horrific? If this is what love looks like to him its selfish, controlling and inconsistent.

You cant make him better but you can find better

RTFT. Or at least all the OP's posts, maybe.

He’s saying what he knows you want to hear because he needs you.