He came back, is it love or convenience?

[Junebaby84]

This is a long complex one…

I met my ex boyfriend at work in November 2019..during early covid we both survived a round of redundancies so started chatting via text during the lockdowns. Once restrictions relaxed towards the end of the year he moved in with me while the house he’d bought during covid was completed with the view of me moving in with him.

to cut a very long story short what proceeded was then 4 years of back and forth hot and cold behaviour he told me living with him didn’t line up with his gut feeling he refused to let me meet his family. Hed say he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship, He’d end our relationship only to ask to see me a week or so later. I know what you’re thinking why put up with it? But I was so confused at this point due to the intermittent reinforcement nature of the relationship I just wanted the version of him I’d experienced at the start.

anyway by last year I’d had enough and cut all contact. June this year he shows up out of the blue saying he wanted to come back to me he’s realised he wants to be with me. Oh and that he’d had to sell his house due to loosing his job and he’s been living with someone else and she got to meet his family! I was devastated. He said as soon as he moved in with her they both realised it was a mistake and he moved into a separate room and she’s let him stay there for 7 months as a lodger essentially.. or so he says.

he’s pulled out all the stops to apologise.. done some real grovelling and while I do love him and he’s now offering the relationship I’ve always wanted with him it’s tempting to give it a go the other part of me feels like this is all a little too convenient because I have my own house and he’s realised the grass isn’t greener. He says he loves me and couldn’t handle it and his issues at the time.

thanks for reading all of that. I know deep down to tell him no but there’s a part of me that respects his honesty and thinks am I overreacting I’m also devastated this woman got to live with him and meet his family when I was denied these experiences for years.

It might be that he did have feelings for you. There may have been something between you two. But it was never enough for him to commit to you and to put you first and foremost. You were almost there, but not quite. He’s back again for an ego boost and because he thinks you’re a soft touch. Keep your boundaries. Remember how he made you feel (anxious and awful) and how much more peaceful life is without those ups and downs. You’d never be his first choice - he didn’t choose you.

He's not nice, just dump him, he's going to use you again.

This

If this doesn't show you the way, try Chumplady ... I think you'll find that everything he's said is in one of the scripts!

Even if he’s not an aspiring cocklodger (and he probably is), he’s toxic. Bin.

Please find some self respect and tell him to jog on. He's looking for somewhere to live. You're a backup.

As always on the site, 1st poster nails it. Sorry @OP

So since June and now he’s been staying in a combination of air b&bs (as he does have a new job) and his mums.

@ThatGoldScroller he says he’s had issues with his mum that he didn’t think she would approve that I’m older than him by 5 years and that I had a daughter who was 16 at the time

im ashamed to admit since June I’ve been back and too on my decision whether to give him another chance. the ‘final straw’ so to speak was finding out last week her address is still on his driving license 3 months later. He says because he didn’t know where to move it to.

intellectually I know I need to walk away and I’m rolling my own eyes at myself

Tell him you are not in the ‘right headspace’ for a relationship. On your bike Mike. What an utter loser, user and unreliable waste of time he sounds.

There are more red flags than are found at a Chinese communist party rally. You've been down this road before and you know exactly where it ends. He might be better at hiding it but you've seen through it, now trust your instincts and send him packing

The FIRST straw should be that he's using you as his backup plan - come on @Junebaby84 - you deserve better than that. There shouldn't need to be any final straws in this situation - he's taking you for a fool, he's a user. Don't fall for it.

First post nails it.

Kindly. You need to wise up. It sounds like you are starting to, you are rightly questioning his motives. Don't fall for his bullshit.

You’ll know pretty quickly if you tell him you’re ready to give the relationship another chance but that he can’t move in with you until you’re both more confident. And do just that and see how long he is “sure about you” this time. Call his bluff play a game if you want but don’t fall for him.

Why are you so desperate to have this idiot back in your life?

Yep.

No need to read any further than the first post, as usual.

While you're trying to make up your mind are you going to meet his family? No, thought not. You are worth more than this, despite his attempts to damage your self-esteem.

He blows hot and cold, he did it to you and he did it with the woman after you but now he needs to find somewhere to live so he’s sniffing round you again. This guy is emotionally unavailable whether you meet his parents or not, to all women. He lost his job and house, he wants to find somewhere else to live as the woman he lived with has grown fed up of his hot and cold treatment so he’s trying his luck with you again. He will treat you exactly the same but you will find it hard to evict him until he finds another woman to house him. Don’t do it!

Wow.... he was a shit boyfriend first time around, and now he's an unemployed, homeless shit boyfriend who's last ex had to kick him out after 7 months of his freeloading.

Don't be a fool, you don't need a homeless man who just lost his job as your boyfriend do you?

He’s in love with your room. Sorry!

This. He's a complete embarrassment.
He's offering zero.
What would your daughter learn if you moved some unemployed homeless man into her home?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Edited-saw he's just got a job, regardless, he's offering zero to your life.

I’d put money on the fact the other woman has asked him to move out.

he didn’t want to commit first time round, let you meet his family, yet did so with the other woman. That should tell you all you need to know.

you are worth more & deserve someone who loves you not just needs somewhere to sleep

Oh come on op
don’t give him the satisfaction
literally tell him to fuck off

He is a complete user and wants you to feel sorry for him and take him back out of some misguided sense of loyalty, and he's hoping you will fall for his sob story that he's sorted out his issues and realised you are the love of his life after all. It is all manipulative cobblers. All of it. Please don't let this man back into your life.

You've already wasted enough time on this feckless wanker. I think you know this and you need to listen to your head, not your heart - unless you want to be hurt and let down again. He's a user and you are worth so much better.

Perhaps get some therapy and ask yourself why you think so little of yourself (or are so afraid to be alone?) that you've put up with his utterly awful, shabby treatment of you, and that you are willing to go back for more.