He came back, is it love or convenience?

[Junebaby84]

This is a long complex one…

I met my ex boyfriend at work in November 2019..during early covid we both survived a round of redundancies so started chatting via text during the lockdowns. Once restrictions relaxed towards the end of the year he moved in with me while the house he’d bought during covid was completed with the view of me moving in with him.

to cut a very long story short what proceeded was then 4 years of back and forth hot and cold behaviour he told me living with him didn’t line up with his gut feeling he refused to let me meet his family. Hed say he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship, He’d end our relationship only to ask to see me a week or so later. I know what you’re thinking why put up with it? But I was so confused at this point due to the intermittent reinforcement nature of the relationship I just wanted the version of him I’d experienced at the start.

anyway by last year I’d had enough and cut all contact. June this year he shows up out of the blue saying he wanted to come back to me he’s realised he wants to be with me. Oh and that he’d had to sell his house due to loosing his job and he’s been living with someone else and she got to meet his family! I was devastated. He said as soon as he moved in with her they both realised it was a mistake and he moved into a separate room and she’s let him stay there for 7 months as a lodger essentially.. or so he says.

he’s pulled out all the stops to apologise.. done some real grovelling and while I do love him and he’s now offering the relationship I’ve always wanted with him it’s tempting to give it a go the other part of me feels like this is all a little too convenient because I have my own house and he’s realised the grass isn’t greener. He says he loves me and couldn’t handle it and his issues at the time.

thanks for reading all of that. I know deep down to tell him no but there’s a part of me that respects his honesty and thinks am I overreacting I’m also devastated this woman got to live with him and meet his family when I was denied these experiences for years.

@Junebaby84

please don't play silly games by telling him you'll give him a chance but won't move in together yet like some posters are suggesting. He is a
master user and expert manipulator, he WILL suck you in. Just tell him to get lost and block his number.

Dont be a mug

For heaven’s sake. Why are you even asking? He’s clearly intending using you for a free roof and a free shag. He’s not being honest, he’s being a shit and telling you your value to him. It’s not high.

Thank you for all the replies. As I said deep down I know the answer I was just second guessing if I was being unreasonable and not being understanding after he’d apologised and explained his reasonings. This relationship has clearly warped my reality and I am in therapy because of it

last thing I’ll add is that he would also make comments on what I was wearing. ‘Interesting outfit’ being a go to. And that he also said someone from his past recently reached out to him asking if he would be interested in getting together and he said to me even though we aren’t together I still said no to her because I’m learning. I didn’t get myself into another mess because I want to focus on you 🤦🏻‍♀️

anyway time to go give my head a wobble. Thanks again for all the replies sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else

If you decide to give him another chance, you can date and occasionally stay over at each other’s homes for a long while until time proves his intentions.

Mens words are irrelevant, believe actions only.
Anyone can say whatever shite they want, without actions, it's just lips flapping noise.

Sorry to say, ‘he’s already shown you his true colours’. He is desperate and knows what you ‘wanted/ needed’ from him back then and he is giving it to you now cause he doesn’t want to be homeless. You sound lovely but I think this might come back to bite you. If you take him back chances are high that in 5 years time you will be revisiting this thread wishing you followed your gut. He took someone else to his family. You were together 4 years and he didn’t take you, so there is your answer; and you and your daughter are even older now than then so nothing has changed there. If you show him you don’t have enough ‘self respect’ by taking him back, he will always treat you like he has done in the past. He had his chance and he blew it. Find someone else who will treat you better.

I want you to imagine you’re standing on the pitch of a massive football stadium. The stands are packed with mostly women but some men. And they’re all shouting “NOOOOOOOO”

Then you announce that you’ve blocked him in every way possible, this whole thing is dead as dead, and you’re making way for the next fantastic bit of your life. Make it really vibrant as you imagine an entire stadium screaming “YESSSS” and cheering you on!

Cripes! You absolutely know he's leading you on for his own benefit, & you absolutely (should) know you deserve better than being someone's Plan B. I'm speaking from 20 years experience, 20 years I will never get back - & that I will ALWAYS regret. Do better than me.

They always come back!

Homeless, Horny & Hungry!

There's no one looking after him now so he's returning to you, most likely after contacting a number of exes to see which one will take the bait.

Don't like thus man disrespect you twice - the first time was more than enough.

Exactly. He’s not even pretending I’ll give him that.

You call it honesty Op but I call it taking you for an absolute mug.

Because what woman with self-respect would want this man back?

Aside from the fact he lived with someone else who was apparently good enough to meet his family when you weren’t (in his eyes) his overall treatment of you was terrible and shows you are at best his back up plan. Then and now.

No brainer. Walk away.

This is terrible advice, the guy has disrespected her over a long period of time and it’s clear he doesn’t love her. There is zero reason to give him another chance, this is how women end up tied down with shitty guys. It’s extremely clear his intentions are to mistreat her and use her as Plan B.

It doesn’t matter how slow she takes it,
she would be setting herself up for a life of humiliation and inconsistency where there should be love.

Yup!

I’d tell him to F R O. You can do better.

Why are you even having to think about this?
I understand why. It's completely normal to want intimacy and caring and sexual satisfaction, and it's so tempting to believe that it can come from someone who has given you some of that in the past.
We have to overlook all sorts of bad behaviour from friends and relatives and colleagues, so it seems natural to forgive someone who has used you in the past and is making an effort now.
But we all know you can't afford to do that in this situation and you have to make sure you keep your tender, warm side protected from people like this man.
I have to give myself little pep talks and say "Love yourself harder!" I'm not sure that it works, but it's the best I have, and I've managed to stay away from my version of your ex.

We have to overlook all sorts of bad behaviour from friends and relatives and colleagues

Nah, we don’t have to. I don’t.

I mean colleagues maybe slightly because a, I need to tolerate certain things to get along and get paid and b. I don’t care that much since they’re just colleagues.

But even then I have my limits and if it’s not something I can just roll my eyes about and move on from, I would challenge or report a colleague.

But I wouldn’t tolerate a consistent pattern of disrespect and disregard from friends and relatives over a long period of time at all.

Read the book 'he's just not that into you'.
He has never been that into you and it probably wont change in future. If a guy really likes you, they pull out all the stops.
You deserve better xx

Seconded.

You’re being used, again. Kick his sorry arse out and block him. Don’t go back. Don’t waste any more of your life on him.

Don't be so bloody stupid.

Just no.

I’m glad you can see through him now, you know what he’s like, what’s holding you back is a version of him you think he could be, not who he is. You would spend everyday wondering when he will go cold, if there’s someone else. You’re better than that and him x

Making mistakes is fine but making the same mistake over and over is just daft.

Well done for deciding to kick him to the kerb.

How many more years of your life are you going to waste on this loser? Block him and never speak to him again

Maybe it is genuine, but his pattern of behavior is of selfishness, thoughtlessness, immaturity, lack of consideration for you as a person, and lack of faith in your relationship. So why you would give that a second chance I don't know.