He came back, is it love or convenience?

[Junebaby84]

This is a long complex one…

I met my ex boyfriend at work in November 2019..during early covid we both survived a round of redundancies so started chatting via text during the lockdowns. Once restrictions relaxed towards the end of the year he moved in with me while the house he’d bought during covid was completed with the view of me moving in with him.

to cut a very long story short what proceeded was then 4 years of back and forth hot and cold behaviour he told me living with him didn’t line up with his gut feeling he refused to let me meet his family. Hed say he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship, He’d end our relationship only to ask to see me a week or so later. I know what you’re thinking why put up with it? But I was so confused at this point due to the intermittent reinforcement nature of the relationship I just wanted the version of him I’d experienced at the start.

anyway by last year I’d had enough and cut all contact. June this year he shows up out of the blue saying he wanted to come back to me he’s realised he wants to be with me. Oh and that he’d had to sell his house due to loosing his job and he’s been living with someone else and she got to meet his family! I was devastated. He said as soon as he moved in with her they both realised it was a mistake and he moved into a separate room and she’s let him stay there for 7 months as a lodger essentially.. or so he says.

he’s pulled out all the stops to apologise.. done some real grovelling and while I do love him and he’s now offering the relationship I’ve always wanted with him it’s tempting to give it a go the other part of me feels like this is all a little too convenient because I have my own house and he’s realised the grass isn’t greener. He says he loves me and couldn’t handle it and his issues at the time.

thanks for reading all of that. I know deep down to tell him no but there’s a part of me that respects his honesty and thinks am I overreacting I’m also devastated this woman got to live with him and meet his family when I was denied these experiences for years.

Nobody falls in love quicker than a man looking for somewhere to live.

God no. Let him move in and then as soon as he's back on his feet watch as he starts pulling away, making excuses, rambling on about his gut feelings and his headspace and whatever other psychobabble he can come up with.

Come on OP, respect yourself enough to bin him permanently.

Funny he didn't want to come back to you before he became homeless...

He’s had his chance(s). He blew this a long time ago. Don’t have him back

Honest opinion? You're his backup plan. If you let him in he'll stick around, playing the same hot and cold game to keep you on your toes, until you either get fed up with his bullshit again and kick him out or he finds someone else to leech off of.

IF you want to give him another chance, it should be on the condition he does not get to move in with you. Or even stay at your place more often than you stay at his. Words are cheap, see if his actions match his newly found strength of feeling. First instance of messing you about, call time for good.

Cocklodger and not even hiding it well

What are his issues? That he had, that he now has resolved?

Where has he lived since June? Are you in a relationship now?

I always suspect that not meeting family is because he has a wife or other girlfriend and his lies will be exposed if you met them. I don’t think you have been told the whole truth. It’s easy for me to say don’t be drawn back in, instead move on and heal and meet someone who behaves better.

Also are you going to let anyone treat you like he did again?

I'd say "That ship has sailed. Bye Bye Baby, Bye Bye".

Absolutely not. He doesn't know what he wants, does he? He thinks he does, until he has it, then he changes his mind. It sounds like he's addicted to the chase and gets cold feet once he has a woman exactly where he wants her.

He's a commitment-phobe and now he wants to be a cocklodger as well.

Don't put yourself through it again. Four years was more than long enough for him to realise what he wanted.

Oh he sounds like a dick but if you're going to give it a go anyway say to him - 'ok, we can try again but not until you move out of that woman's house and into your own place.'

Do NOT let him move in with you.

Personally I couldn't bear to be the back up.

And I bet he won't move out of her place unless you offer yours. Please don't be a mug

For goodness sake. He doesn't want you he wants someplace to stay. The perfect example of a cocklodger.

Why are you even having to think about this?

You know that he'd be using you for accommodation don't you?

📣 RUNNNNN! Run away from this loser.

He’s trying to use you! You’re worth more than this OP and you know it or you wouldn’t be asking.

IMO it’s too little too late, I know you love him but please try and cut contact again and truly move on.

You have a hobosexual on your hands. The ex has kicked him out. He’ll have his feet back under your table as soon as you let him, and he’ll fuck off again when he gets a better offer. He was with you for years and you didn’t get meet his family. You know exactly where you stand.

hobo needing a home.
funny how they realise you were the one when they are homeless…..

You know he will be exactly the same - hot/cold/gut feelings/on/off/meet family/can’t meet family…

He turned up in June??? Oh shit, you let him move straight back in, didn't you? :(

So what are his family like, then?

Thought not.

Please take a leaf from the ex's book and give this fucker his marching orders. Don't waste any more of your one precious life hoping this colossal loser will fall for you.

HRTFT but isn't he the classic MN aspiring cocklodger hobosexual? No one falls in love quicker than those looking to get their feet under your table.
Even if you wanted a relationship there's no way I would let him move in, especially with no job.

This is so true 😂 don’t do it OP. You are better than this

Tell him you need to date him, he needs to prove himself. He needs to find somewhere to live until such a time that he does prove himself...which will be a while.

This first response nails it 100%. Just no.

It doesn’t take someone 7 years to realise!
It’s survival instinct because he needs a roof over his head.

No, no, OP. There is nothing 'honest' about his reappearance in your life, bar the fact that he's been honest about the fact that he has run out of places to live.

He's lost his own house because of debts, he's currently living with a woman who obviously wants him out. I imagine this has been her decision rather than the mutual one he's presenting it as and I thinks you are silly enough to let him move back in and get his feet under your table.

He's well aware from your past actions that you will tolerate him putting in very little effort and blowing hot and cold.

As @sherbetlemonade says 'No one falls in love faster than a man looking for somewhere to live'. Also, it is October. What the fuck has been going on since June when he reappeared? Is he now out of time with his (possible) ex?

He showed you who he really is the first time. You'd be mad to take him back.

And you're right, the timing is very convenient. He's a user. Throw him back and find someone who's as invested in you as you are in them.

You’ve got yourself a potential cocklodger. Block and find some self esteem.