Dating a man with 4 children

[Rachaelf37]

So as title really. I'm early 40's and I've been single quite a few years now (nearly 5). I've been seeing a guy for a month who I like as a person but he's been married before and has a 19 year old and 12 year old from that relationship. Then he was engaged to his last ex and has two young children to her (two under 4). He also has debt. I'm in two minds about him as we do click but I'm unsure what a future with him would look like financially and we live in different cities. I have one child who is 6. Currently I go abroad at least once a year and can afford to eat out and do more expensive days out but I think if I got with him this would change as I get the impression he wouldn't be able to afford those things. He has his kids 50/ 50. Has anyone else got any experience of something similar?

I would give him a chance. But don't share finances.

Op, run. He sounds an utter fertile mess.

A man in his 40s with 4 children and debt is not going to be able to enjoy the same lifestyle as you. Are you willing to step parent 3 children if you move in together?

I agree.

One child is very different to four.

Four children by two mothers os more complicated in terms of the number of exes involved and arrangements around that and he's in debt.

I think the fact you mention you've been single for five years is relevant here. It's almost said as a justification for lowering your standards.

I'd go along with this if I was happy to only see someone casually and for a bit of company (and that's how I viewed dating when my childden were younger) but I wouldn't be seeing him as a serious prospect for a long term relationship, tbh.

Nope, throw him back

would not appeal to me..it's a personal choice re his children if you want that in your life,but would not tolerate the debt part..

I think it depends entirely on what you want. If you are looking for someone to have the odd date with and provide a bit of companionship then it may be ok.

But if you are looking for something more significant and someone ypu hope to possibly blend lives with in the future then definitely not. I always think you need to put your dc first in these cases. It would be wholly unfair for him to be expected to start sharing you 50/50 with 3 other children and their father.

There would also be a noticeable difference on what you can do for your dc compared to what he can do for his, which could lead to arguments and resentment down the line.

Relationships should enhance your life in a positive way, if you need to change your lifestyle (stopping holidays and days out) in a negative way to accommodatewhat he can afford, then this isn't the guy for you

Sounds complicated/ expensive/ chaotic for your child in the future.

I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. That is completely unnecessary drama. He should be focussing on his children and his debt, not his next relationship.

Oh hell no.

You're already acknowledging that this would reduce your quality of life. At worst, he'll demand the same for him and his kids so that everything is 'fair'.

Throw this one back and take yourself out for a nice meal to celebrate, it'll cost you far less.

He has a lot of baggage - 4 DC and debt.

You have one DC and a nice life.

Some men - especially men with lots of DC and debt - have a real knack of getting on very with women they are eyeing up to be nanny to their kids, or a free meal ticket.

I would advise against it personally.

I once dated a guy who was in debt and had 3 kids. I have 1 DC and no debt but live within my means and budget for small luxuries. It was an utter mess. We had very different parenting styles (he was very tech and Disney dad focused with his) and constantly moaned about everything from the price of a coffee out, even when i was paying, to me adding a packet of sweets in my shopping. Towards the end more debt was arising whilst amazon parcels piled up and I even caught him taking food/treats out of my cupboards saying his DC would like them.

It sucked the life and fun out of everything. I wouldn't wish that kind of life on someone willingly and would certainly never put myself into that position again with a guy.

Thanks for the replies so far. Usually I would immediately discount someone with 4 children but when I asked him about the ages of his children ( as he'd put on his profile he has young children) he missed out the older two and only told me later on on our first date. We had also spoken on the phone before then.

I do want someone I can eventually live with and share a life with.

Terrible advice.

OP I am a single mum to 1 DC myself. Why would you want to date a man with 4 Dc? 2 under 4 so the kids are quite young still. You live in different cities...... please ask yourself why you feel this man is a "catch".

Please. You can do better than this surely!!

He also has debt. Raise your own standards.

Lord, it gets worse, nice of him to erase a couple of kids to appear more appealing.

Like those guys who say they're 35 on their dating profile, "I'm actually 54, but the website won't let me change it." Yeah, we see you.

I think as people say it depends on you. If you’re willing to jump into chaos and don’t mind a lifestyle change then go for it. If you have your ways and like things to happen a certain way there is no way this will work. Also you say you want to share a life with someone, you’re going to be sharing it with his 4 kids and have to take your dd into consideration

The children would be less of a concern for me than the mismatch in finances.

Run away!

Will this relationship be of benefit to your child? No.

So he wasn't honest from the get go either but at least he told you early on.

Too many red flags if ever there were.

What advice do you think you'd be giving someone else in the same situation?

And if I'm wrong I'll eat my hat but I'd wager the only reason he has the kids 50/50 is so that no child maintenance is due.

So hes a liar as well? Don't waste your time with this one.

I wouldn't date someone like this if they were the last man on Earth. Get rid OP.

This!
you’re not a cash cow!

Absolutely no OP. The whole thing will be a ghastly mess and a drain on finances for years and years. Do you read mumsnet at all? There are losds of threads on this type of thing and all a complete mess.