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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating a man with 4 children

111 replies

Rachaelf37 · 11/10/2026 11:01

So as title really. I'm early 40's and I've been single quite a few years now (nearly 5). I've been seeing a guy for a month who I like as a person but he's been married before and has a 19 year old and 12 year old from that relationship. Then he was engaged to his last ex and has two young children to her (two under 4). He also has debt. I'm in two minds about him as we do click but I'm unsure what a future with him would look like financially and we live in different cities. I have one child who is 6. Currently I go abroad at least once a year and can afford to eat out and do more expensive days out but I think if I got with him this would change as I get the impression he wouldn't be able to afford those things. He has his kids 50/ 50. Has anyone else got any experience of something similar?

OP posts:

KoaIa · 11/10/2026 18:16

Run. Do not become another casualty

Wotsupmog · 11/10/2026 18:27

Rachaelf37 · 11/10/2026 13:02

He's in debt from doing work to his house and also he'd planned and begun to pay for a wedding.

They both cheated on him, apparently. The last one he split up with about a year ago.

He's moving house to a cheaper house to get on top of his debts.

Edited

Excuses excuses. Nothing is his fault.

Denim12 · 11/10/2026 19:39

Unless you are desperate run away

ExplodingSmittens · 11/10/2026 20:16

Lavenderandbrown · 11/10/2026 15:38

MN has been great this weekend. I have learned some very useful new labels
to identify oh so common behavior including narcissistic triangulation and now dickmatize. God That’s so accurate.

no OP this guy is all wrong. As PP said…don’t you read other threads? This is so so common and has all the red flags…false
on line profile…bullshit backstory that defies logic…debt…lots of kids different mums…more debt…cocklodger.

I saw plenty of this when I was single and had many single (divorced) friends/ acquaintances. These debt ridden fathers who need help cooking buying homecoming dresses managing their finances planning a vacation having a reliable car even having clean sheets! It goes on and on. And yet down to a one….they all thought they were somehow a bit superior to their girlfriend. It showed. And many used drugs or alcohol.

they all wanted to live with the girlfriend in her house with her dc. They all wanted help with finances. When I look back at how narrowly many of us escaped that life I’m so grateful.

Yes, dickmatize is a new one for me too

StormGazing · 11/10/2026 20:28

Dandeloosha · 11/10/2026 11:10

A man in his 40s with 4 children and debt is not going to be able to enjoy the same lifestyle as you. Are you willing to step parent 3 children if you move in together?

Sorry but yes I agree! If you were really loaded it would be a bit different, but believe me, it’s a hard slog when you are at a different financial level to friends/partners as you always end up with the bill, and very quickly it becomes what they’ll expect sadly

NellyOlsenn · 12/10/2026 01:23

Bananalanacake · 11/10/2026 18:04

By all means enjoy a relationship but put your foot down early, tell him you will not be meeting his kids for at least another 2 years and there will be no talk of living together until his youngest is 18.

By all means don’t do this. You clearly have poor boundaries / judgement to even be asking this question and/or he’s an expert love-bomber because miraculously you have ‘clicked’ within a month despite this relationship bingo catastrophe.

Can I ask what happened to the relationship with the father of your DD in order for that relationship to end when she was a baby? You don’t have to answer - but I wonder if there was some abuse/trauma that has left you vulnerable? If so you really need to fix that once and for all with The Freedom Programme / therapy. Have you read about The Shark Cage Analogy

Nearly50omg · 12/10/2026 02:17

You are single not desperate! REMEMBER THAT!! He’s looking for a nanny with a fanny to help him pay for his kids and also look after them!

Uniqueheartbee · 12/10/2026 11:21

I wouldn't be able to get past the fact that he only told you about 2 of his children.

Kalanthe · 12/10/2026 11:38

Absolutely not. He has 4x child support to pay. Debts. 4 kids, 2 exes. Lives in another city. Red flags all over this as a sign of huge issues further down the line. You have your own child to think of and it's almost certain he won't be able to match your current lifestyle - won't afford nice holidays etc unless he puts them on his credit card. No no no

Kalanthe · 12/10/2026 11:42

Gettingbysomehow · 11/10/2026 11:51

Absolutely no OP. The whole thing will be a ghastly mess and a drain on finances for years and years. Do you read mumsnet at all? There are losds of threads on this type of thing and all a complete mess.

I was going to say, move in with this man and you will be back on Mumsnet seeking advice on all sorts of issues

Kalanthe · 12/10/2026 11:49

sherbetlemonade · 11/10/2026 13:29

So he split up with her about a year ago because she cheated on him, yet their children would both have been under 3? I'm surprised she found the time.

Not entirely sure I'd believe him on that one, to be honest.

Show quote history

My exact thought, both exes cheated sounds like an easy excuse. A woman with 2 under 3 was out cheating while poor guy was minding the children, probably also cooking and cleaning, were there dragons in this fairytale?

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