Dating a man with 4 children

[Rachaelf37]

So as title really. I'm early 40's and I've been single quite a few years now (nearly 5). I've been seeing a guy for a month who I like as a person but he's been married before and has a 19 year old and 12 year old from that relationship. Then he was engaged to his last ex and has two young children to her (two under 4). He also has debt. I'm in two minds about him as we do click but I'm unsure what a future with him would look like financially and we live in different cities. I have one child who is 6. Currently I go abroad at least once a year and can afford to eat out and do more expensive days out but I think if I got with him this would change as I get the impression he wouldn't be able to afford those things. He has his kids 50/ 50. Has anyone else got any experience of something similar?

DP has 3 DC and it didn’t put me off. However, they were all with his long-term marriage and I knew about them from the start. He’s also financially comfortable.
I only have 1 DC and so DP and I are both in agreement we won’t blend families for several years to minimise disruption to the DC.

Honestly OP I think this man will only drag you down.

He's in debt from doing work to his house and also he'd planned and begun to pay for a wedding.

They both cheated on him, apparently. The last one he split up with about a year ago.

He's moving house to a cheaper house to get on top of his debts.

You're in two minds about him? Both of your minds need serious help.

So he's a liar..I'm shocked!

Nope!! This wouldn’t work for me OP.

4 children at very different stages. Two mums…each will be requiring different things from him (understandably), would already be a deep amber flag for me anyway…possibly a red one, depending on what the actual relational dynamics were like. But added to this the debt, and the bunting is now bright crimson.

There is no good future.
🏃‍♀️‍➡️

I wouldn’t look at him if he was the last man on earth. Two kids under 4 ? There’s a name for the kind of many that walks away from their small kids and it’s not gonna be a compliment

Wow hasnt he been unlucky in love? Wouldn’t believe a word of it.

How has he managed to break up two whole families already? That’s some record. Most women I know tolerate far too much for far too long to keep a family together. He must have been bad.

Debt will most likely be some addiction - drugs, gambling, spending. His 50/50 will be because he doesn’t want to pay maintenance and his dating is looking for a nanny with a fanny. I predict that the sale of his house will result in a gap with the next one and a request to ‘temporarily’ stay at yours.

Don’t bring your child into his very messy family.

Personally, his children being that young would put me off.

However, he might be a thoroughly decent bloke that just has had bad luck with women.

It's more about...are your lives/values able to align?
Although you are happy to holiday alone with your child, would you also be able to experience things with your boyfriend and mutual children.
Remember not everything fun or memorable has to cost money.

Is he working hard to pay his debt off, living in a secure situation etc?

Hell no. That’s a car crash. Surely you can see OP 4 kids, debt… none of it screams having a comfortable or peaceful 50s and 60s for you? I’d throw him back whilst you’re not too involved. Maybe being on your own so long has made you lower your standards.

So he split up with her about a year ago because she cheated on him, yet their children would both have been under 3? I'm surprised she found the time.

Not entirely sure I'd believe him on that one, to be honest.

The man is a walking red flag. I would not believe a word he utters now and he neglected to mention his eldest two kids. He saw you coming a mile off and has further gone onto exploit your low relationship bar.

And if course both exs cheated on him. 🤥

Who said he walked away from them? He has them 50/50, and how do we know it was his choice to end the relationship? Even if you think he is lying about the ex cheating on him, why would you automatically assume it was him he ended the relationship?

Run a mile, not only a lot of reasons it will not work, he has also not been truthful….there’s a reason for that! X

Ha! Ex had two babies under 3, a wedding almost paid for, and still cheated on this prince? Sounds legit. He now has those tiny children 50:50 and also has no money? Brilliant.

In two minds? Get both minds some therapy. You’re saying you can see that any future with him would mean less enjoyment, comfort, holidays, for you and your 6yo daughter, but hey…. you click! You need a bang on the head, wake up.

It’s worth saying also that this situation is a high risk for a young girl. Please don’t have him around your daughter, you’re showing your lack of discernment and lack of good judgement. Keep him away even while you spend more time working out that he’s not the one.

OP I do think some replies have been quite harsh about him but if he lied about the number of kids he has at the start then that’s a big red flag.
If you just wanted something very casual and he didn’t expect you to pay on dates that is one thing, but you said you are looking to build something with someone so he won’t be the right one for that.

I'd run like the wind from him.

The debt would be a huge no no. He hid two of the kids from you so another no no. The fact your child would have to put up with it all. NO.

This I am afraid.

I know that of course women DO cheat. But, I'm not going to lie, I'm not convinced about this. Two women cheated, including one who had the time had two young children?

And this so-called 50:50 - really? I doubt it.

Oh love, he's spinning you all the lines. Telling you what you want to hear. But he's already lied by ommission, how do you know this is the truth?

I think you're keener on him than you want to admit - he's drawn you in after a month, and you're now wanting to believe that this man with 4 DC with 2 different women and in debt is, in fact, totally fine and the one for you.

I don't think many women on Mumsnet are going to tell you to ignore all the glaring red flags here.

I think if you continue down the line, you'll find out he's not being completely honest with you.

They both cheated on him, apparently. The last one he split up with about a year ago.

really…? So this woman would have presumably had a 3yo and a baby and found time to cheat… surely this is not the likeliest scenario 😅 wish I had that kind of energy.

I was in my early 30s with a man who had 3 kids with 3 different women and while we were dating his ex found out she was pregnant and another woman came forward with another child, so 5 kids. While we clicked too, everything else was a huge mess and he decided to stay with his pregnant ex so we split up.. never again..

I feel a cocklodger lining himself up here. Run!