Dating a man with 4 children

[Rachaelf37]

So as title really. I'm early 40's and I've been single quite a few years now (nearly 5). I've been seeing a guy for a month who I like as a person but he's been married before and has a 19 year old and 12 year old from that relationship. Then he was engaged to his last ex and has two young children to her (two under 4). He also has debt. I'm in two minds about him as we do click but I'm unsure what a future with him would look like financially and we live in different cities. I have one child who is 6. Currently I go abroad at least once a year and can afford to eat out and do more expensive days out but I think if I got with him this would change as I get the impression he wouldn't be able to afford those things. He has his kids 50/ 50. Has anyone else got any experience of something similar?

@Rachaelf37 "They both cheated on him, apparently. The last one he split up with about a year ago."

Yeah, what are the chances eh? OP, he's got 4 kids by two different women. Two of them are under 4 years old and he's in debt. I strongly suspect he's a fucking liar too. How he's going to have any sort of lifestyle whilst supporting 3 kids? And you're going to have to be step mum to 3 kids 50% of the time. Is that what you want? What about the impact on your own child? Quite frankly being single never looked so good if he's the other option.

No, I really wouldn't do this, OP. I'm sure he's nice enough but he hasn't been honest with you and he has four children, two of whom are very young.

I'd pass this one on.

Of course they did 🙄

OP, that's quite a few red flags. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

So he’s left 2 families…. Last time it was 2 children aged what, 3 and younger?

And left an engagement.

But course she was ‘unfaithful’, because mums of toddlers have loads of time, opportunity and libido to run around nurturing afffairs. Was she also ‘crazy’??

My guess is she discovered his gambling or whatever it is and chucked him out.

He’s now looking for his next accommodation/ financier/ babysitter.

what a catch.

Absolutely Not.

If you won't protect yourself, do it for your child.

I think the fact you mention you've been single for five years is relevant here. It's almost said as a justification for lowering your standards.

Very true. A man with four children would have me heading to the hills, particularly as two of them are under 4. Do you really want to spend the next 15 approx years with them 50/50?

How on earth have you ended up seeing this guy for a month already?
Does he have a wang of gold?

As for his ex cheating on him with an infant and a toddler you know that doesn't make sense at all. Of course the first thing a woman with a toddler and an infant is going to be going out and finding somebody to cheat with.

He already lied to you just completely erasing his two oldest children and he is lying to you about this

He is very likely looking for a cocklodging situation, you to help with his debt and child rearing during his 50% time

His life is a fucking mess, he sounds totally irresponsible and he is a liar to boot.

But ignoring all that OP, what is he bringing to the table for you? Great sex? Good conversation?

What would be bring for your child? Fuck all. A life with this guy would make your child's life far, far worse. Less time with you, less money, three kids and a stepfather foisted on her that she didn't pick.

I gaurantee you will be expected to do the majority of the child care, carry all the mental load of a blended family and be expected to stretch your finances to make everything 'fair'. Both you and your child deserve better.

I’ve not been in your position no but then I’ve not been a single parent. It sounds as though you and your DD have a nice lifestyle but I imagine it can get quite lonely at times?

I also think the fact that you’ve been single for 5 years is relevant here.I think he’s targeting you as you’re a very attractive proposition. Some men, especially the lying, debt ridden cocklodging types will prefer single Mums as they know they can get away with more.

I can imagine your head is all over the place. You’ve found someone you’ve clicked with and you want a long term relationship with but this, with him isn’t what you or your DD want or need.

As others have said it also seems unlikely that a Woman with two DC so young with a Weddong booked would find the time or the inclination to cheat and if she did it screams of something catastrophically wrong in the relationship for her to do that.

I’m not sure if his excuse of paying for a Wedding being the reason he’s in debt either.

If he was already in debt with the house, why would he put himself further in debt with a Wedding? Big, expensive Weddings can be lovely but they’re not a wise choice for someone who is already struggling financially.

I’m not sure the excuses he has been feeding you are putting him in a better light never mind the fact that none of them sound true.

So no, I haven’t been with a man with 4 DC and now you are, is it truly improving your life, especially if you have enough concerns to post on MN about him after only a month?

This is either a wind up or you're really gullible

Bloody hell OP, really?
Why on earth would you give this any thought?
You have a child and this will 100% RUIN their life.
And he's a liar?
Of course he is.
Run, as fast as you can.

At least you've had the presence of mind to ask here. I hope the comments are sufficient to deter you from messing up your child's life 🤦🏾‍♀️.

MN has been great this weekend. I have learned some very useful new labels
to identify oh so common behavior including narcissistic triangulation and now dickmatize. God That’s so accurate.

no OP this guy is all wrong. As PP said…don’t you read other threads? This is so so common and has all the red flags…false
on line profile…bullshit backstory that defies logic…debt…lots of kids different mums…more debt…cocklodger.

I saw plenty of this when I was single and had many single (divorced) friends/ acquaintances. These debt ridden fathers who need help cooking buying homecoming dresses managing their finances planning a vacation having a reliable car even having clean sheets! It goes on and on. And yet down to a one….they all thought they were somehow a bit superior to their girlfriend. It showed. And many used drugs or alcohol.

they all wanted to live with the girlfriend in her house with her dc. They all wanted help with finances. When I look back at how narrowly many of us escaped that life I’m so grateful.

Sounds like you like drama and stress. Why do you think it would be a good idea to tie yourself with a man who has 4 kids forl 2 different relationships and is in debt? Consider the impact on your child and all the step parenting and blended family drama you see on mumsnet today.

If you really like him you can maintain your separate families and homes and see each other when you can.

Resounding no for all the reasons people have listed above. If you're still not convinced, I suggest you spend half an hour browsing the step-parenting board; that should clarify things for you.

They both cheated on him, apparently.

Look. My partner's marriage ended because she cheated on him (verified by her, their adult children and mutual friends of theirs). It does happen. It could even happen twice.

The debts could also be down to home improvements and paying for a wedding that never took place as he says rather than addictions as someone else suggested.

But none of that means you need to take it/him on. Someone can be a lovely person and tick all of your boxes and still not actually be right for you.

Currently I go abroad at least once a year and can afford to eat out and do more expensive days out but I think if I got with him this would change as I get the impression he wouldn't be able to afford those things.

You say that if you got with him your (very happy and settled sounding) life would change. And it would be you doing all the compromising or all the subsidising.

Even if you were willing to compromise, are you happy to have your child's life changed in this way? I wouldn't be.

I can see lots of benefits to a relationship with you for him but not very many beyond occasional company and not being single for you, tbh.

I wouldn't consider it as a viable relationship.

You have your own small child to think about. That means you either keep finances 100% separate and your stepchildren grow up watching their stepsibling getting more and/or better of everything from experiences to Christmas gifts (with all the completely understandable resentment that's likely to bring)... or you end up combining finances and your child misses out. Neither option would be something I'd consider 🤷‍♀️

Whether or not the "they cheated on me" story is true (as i mother to a 4 and 2 yo i have my doubts) I would run a mile...

You are basically an exotic cross between nanny with a fanny and a nurse with purse....

Run while you can

Big fat no from me

HELL NO

He might be the sort of man who habitually suspects his partner of cheating on him, even if she only (for instance) wants a rare break from her two dc for a couple of hours so she can go out with her friends in the evening.

2 under 4, and a year ago when they split she was cheating on him? I don't buy it.

Yes, that really doesn't ring true, does it! Maybe someone else was cheating, OP? Or maybe he had to cheat because he thought she was? So many women with a 1 and 3 year old are cheating, honestly...

By all means enjoy a relationship but put your foot down early, tell him you will not be meeting his kids for at least another 2 years and there will be no talk of living together until his youngest is 18.