Is it sensible to have children with a man over 40?

[Hunteress]

Any advice from older parents...
I have always wanted to be a mother and desired a future where I can create a family with someone I love.
I think I found that person.
He is intelligent, kind, generous, incredibly funny, talented and resourceful, hard-working, courteous, the list goes on... And he's gorgeous 😍

The one thing that plays on my mind is that he is 40 next year and I am concerned with starting a family this late in life, about the things that could go wrong/what milestones might be missed.
I've read a bit about advanced paternal age and it's effect on DNA stability and chance of miscarriage/mutations. From my understanding fertility decline impacts men in a similar, if less sudden, way. That's one worry.
Another is the concern that he would be into his 60s or 70s by the time the children would be of an age to consider a family themselves. I'm worried that he wouldn't get much time with any grandchildren...

He has a daughter who is 10 years old already to a previous partner. He is open to more children and shares some of my concerns.
I feel I have plenty of time and don't have the same considerations, as I am in my mid-twenties (25).
And I struggle to know weather to pursue this or weather these things will impact my children's life in a negative way... And weather the age gap will widen (emotionally, energy-wise, etc) in 10 or 20 years.

Any advice out there?
It's very appreciated!

I'd be more concerned about your age gap.

I know a few men who became fathers in their early 40's. 2 of the women are up to 5 years younger, one is 10 years younger. All fine from a child and parenting point of view. People tend to live longer now.

His age isn’t the issue, as PP said. It’s the age gap.

My husband was 43 when we had our daughter, 46 when we had our son. It’s turned out wonderfully. It depends on the people,

I think the most concerning aspect is the age gap between you and DP. I wouldn’t be especially worried about anything else. Obviously relationships with that age gap can be successful but I think it definitely increases the risk of failure due being at different life stages, imbalance in power and a greater chance of abuse or manipulation.

FWIW, exDP is in his 70s and I am in my 50s. He is in much better health than me. The DCs are fab.

My husband was 39 when I had my daughter (our first and only child). He is now 53 and she is 14. I would say the only thing to think about is the fact that a lot of his friends kids are in their 20s (some friends are grandparents now) and my husband is thinking about supporting her well into university when he might have been thinking of winding down to retirement. But apart from that if offers many advantages like maturity, financial stability and good life experience. I wouldn’t let it put you off!

I'm another who would find the age gap more off putting than him being an older dad.

I’d be thinking more about the age gap and his existing child. How often is she with him? What is their relationship like? What is the relationship like with the ex? How do you feel about having a ten year old child in your life?

I find both the age gap and his age off putting.

Decent men leave younger women alone. They don’t date them.

Think really hard about this

I’m afraid im another one who thinks a 40 year old being with a 25 year old is something that would concern me a bit.

Advice? Steer clear of becoming a stepmother if you possibly can.

I did. It’s going fine. I worry a little about when they are uni age and he’s close to retirement, but so far all good. My DH is healthy and quite youthful though so I often forget he’s older than me (I’m now mid forties and our eldest is older primary school age)

DH is sometimes mistaken for DS grandad.
I’m the same age as some of the grannies at school. Our child was a last minute surprise.

I would say neither of us had previous children though - so this was his chance to have them. Might be different if that wasn’t the case

Might have misread here but you make it sound like supporting your child’s university at university is only your husbands responsibility.

don’t you support her as well?

by the time your dd is 18 your dh will be 57, and 60 when graduating. That’s 7/8 years off retirement age.

even if he wants to retire earlier, won’t you be working and able to support your dd? I have two at uni, dh is 59 and is indeed winding down to retirement at 60.

I am more or less paying both uni costs, and will start winding down myself after they’ve both graduated.

I have a friend who had a big age gap. She was 22 when they met and he was 38. It was all great and they had similar interests and lots in common. They had two children when she was 26/28 and he was 42/44. By the time he was 50 he was like a middle age man he just wanted to sit on the setee with a bottle of wine and watch tv. He didn’t want to take the kids out on a weekend, take them to their clubs. He had nothing in common with her friends and didn’t want her going out and seeing friends either. Her world got very small and she struggled with her mental health. She left eventually.
im 8 years older than dh and it was a struggle when i hit perimenopause and he was mid thirties. I suddenly looked middle aged, developed arthritis and chronic pain not to mention all the hormone issues. He had friends dating people in their twenties who were closer to my older DDs age than me.

My husband wa 43 when we had the first and 49 when we had the second. They're now adults we're in our 60s and everything is absolutely fine. In fact we've probably stayed younger in outlook and fitness.

There is an 8 year age gap between my husband and I (I’m younger) and I intend to work well into my 60s. I do work yes - run my own business. He earns substantially more than me.

I can still support her yes but nowhere near his contributions.

You will probably do as you feel anyway, but I did the same thing, and it was regrettable. The age gap became untenable when my eldest became the age at which I was when exH started dating me.. because I was too young (I didn't take heed at the time). And it seismically shifted how much I respecyed him, all of a sudden.

Also he suddenly became old. Went from fit and well and very physically active, to old and boring and stiff before he was even fifty, doesn't run about with his ten year old now stopped wanting to o travel, less energy to match us etc. I would have chosen someone with more years to retain a bit of vigour, looking back..

Also they are a different generation, look VERY hard at what internalised views he may be hiding... It all comes out under the pressure of having a baby.

Also, fuck being a stepmum. Plus, the age gap between you and his daughter is the same as the age gap between him and you .... Ick.

It won’t necessarily affect your kids at all. Their Dad will just be their Dad. You however, will potentially be looking after a 70 year old when you’re 55 OP. So your kids would leave home and, after years of caring for them, you may then become a carer for their Dad. That’s the reality of your age gap.

You’re the same generation as each other though.

My dd is the same age as you. I’d be horrified if she was thinking about settling down with someone nearer my age than hers. The age gap is the issue - it may not matter now but it will as you get older.

Almost 10 years apart -

edited - apologies- thought this was in response to my post (still half asleep!), ignore it!

Agree with others… no issues with a man having a child at 40 but your age gap is pretty big and you’re quite young these days to be having a kid, just be sure it’s really what you want.

It may work now but you need to consider the long term. Eg when you are 65 you may still be working and leading a very active life. He will be 80 and could be inactive or have lots of health issues. You may become a cater for an old person.

Other things to consider, your child may still be in education at a time he wants to retire. How will that work financially for your family.

My daughters Dad was 44. I was 29. Dd is 18 now.
We aren't together anymore but his age has been fine really.