Is it sensible to have children with a man over 40?

[Hunteress]

Any advice from older parents...
I have always wanted to be a mother and desired a future where I can create a family with someone I love.
I think I found that person.
He is intelligent, kind, generous, incredibly funny, talented and resourceful, hard-working, courteous, the list goes on... And he's gorgeous 😍

The one thing that plays on my mind is that he is 40 next year and I am concerned with starting a family this late in life, about the things that could go wrong/what milestones might be missed.
I've read a bit about advanced paternal age and it's effect on DNA stability and chance of miscarriage/mutations. From my understanding fertility decline impacts men in a similar, if less sudden, way. That's one worry.
Another is the concern that he would be into his 60s or 70s by the time the children would be of an age to consider a family themselves. I'm worried that he wouldn't get much time with any grandchildren...

He has a daughter who is 10 years old already to a previous partner. He is open to more children and shares some of my concerns.
I feel I have plenty of time and don't have the same considerations, as I am in my mid-twenties (25).
And I struggle to know weather to pursue this or weather these things will impact my children's life in a negative way... And weather the age gap will widen (emotionally, energy-wise, etc) in 10 or 20 years.

Any advice out there?
It's very appreciated!

This is so ridiculous, it actually made me laugh

Thankyou this is a much more educated response to what I was trying to say

But its not ridiculous is it

Only 25 she's not 15. 25 is a perfect age for a first child

Excuse me

I would as other have the age gap being the bigger issue:
DH was 40,41& 43 when we had children I am 12 years younger so was 28,29& 31

We are now at all being in high school aged 11, 13&14 and have a great life but the one thing with the age gap is that at almost 55 and with. A physical job he is looking forward to retirement, I am looking to advance on my career it feels like we are often in different chapters of the same life

She had a child at fifteen too if her initial post is accurate.

Tbh 25 is still a bit young isn’t it?
27 maybe. If she wants to have a bunch more and leave a few years between each. Otherwise I’d push it later still.

The man is only 40 next year, that's far from too old. Average age in men for first children is already 33.7 years in the UK and steadily rising, as is the age of first time mums. My own father was 42 when I was born and that's never been a problem. I am 52 now and still have my parents, a lot of younger ones of friends have long died. You can't predict things like that.
As some others have mentioned your age difference which sounds to be 14 years: The only important thing is how you two feel. I had a 5 year relationship with someone 11 years older in my early 20s and while we didn't stay together, age had nothing to do with it. He was and is a lovely man. There was nothing controlling about it and no power balance issue. Controlling was my later and now ex-husband - who was 1.5 years older than me...

When I was 40 (I'm late 40s), I wouldn't have been interested in a 25 year old, they were like babies to me. And the power imbalance between an older man and a younger woman makes it pretty unpleasant.

You seem to be very much in love. You might see him through love lenses.
Age is one thing, but also
He already has a 10 years old child and is not with his child's mother. Why? You probably know only his side. He might treat you same after a while. I am sure mother of his child was in love and believed he is attractive, and all you listed.
Why is he attracted to you? Could it be any of
1)novelty,
2) free fuck, or paid by a few words you like to hear, flatteries
3) you are younger,
You are in fact so young, that you didn't have many years of 'world of there' experience, in comparison with him; that might make you much more malleable, target for controlling people; power dynamics, that is concern when 1 party is just about adult (less so when ages are 40 and 55);
have you seen him enough interacting with other people? over prolonged period of time? when things go wrong?
He is old, has a child, left mother of his child.
25 years old women might do better with someone closer to her age/ world experience, who is conciencous.

The age gap is a problem or, rather, likely will be in 15+ years. But you don't have to stay with him forever. Indeed, the larger the age gap, the more likely a break up is. All relationships have risks, the key is in making sure you don't subsume your entire self to it so you are able to adjust if things change.

If you're going to have children together, his age is something that increases risk of miscarriage and of having a child with special needs. There are ways to minimize those risks, some of which are cheap and some of which are pretty expensive. His age may also make fatherhood harder for him, especially if you wait another 5 - 10 years to have kids. Having a 10 year old running around 24/7 when you're 60 is a lot different to when you're 45.

Like a previous poster, I would wonder what he sees in you. I don't mean that rudely, I'm sure you're lovely and interesting and a great partner. But he has more than twice your life experience as an adult and that really does have a big affect.

In my friendship group, the men who have ended up with younger women have more superficial relationships with them than most of the relationships of equal age partners. They don't seem to compromise as much (they get less pushback for centering themselves). And while things start out well, as the women get older and want to direct their lives to the extent their partners got to direct their own, a lot of friction comes up. I'm not sure there's anything you'll get out of this caution. I don't think it's something you can see at the beginning of a relationship that feels good. It often only becomes apparent years down the line. I just want to put it out there and remind you to ensure you can always branch off on your own.

At the tender age of 25, is this single dad of 40 years old the best option you can find? Have you actually stepped out of your front door and looked around because I cannot believe this is all there is for you.

i have no issue with children of 40 starting a family.

Lots of things to consider :

do you want to become his carer ? He will age faster and more likely to have a life changing illness / event. I became a full time carer at 49 and my DH had just turned 60 when he had a stoke alongside stage 3 bowel cancer. It can happen to event the fittest
Will you cope with a teenager is sadly he passes away early ? A male friend of mine died very suddenly at 59 - no warning leaving an 18 year old child. His wife was 54 and she is struggling massively. If that happened you would only be mid 40’s
do you know how is DD being an only child at the age of 14 will react to a much younger sibling taking her dad’s focus from her onto his new family ?

There are equally good news stories about how age gaps worked fine but sadly more often than not they fail - changing expectations, different energy levels , different outlooks on life , fraught relationships with step kids and exs. That’s before you consider the increased odds of having a child with health concerns with an older parent and how much energy a 45 year old has say to be running after a toddler. 14 years is a long time to have forgotten the baby stage and how tough it is - are you ready to be primary carer and totally responsible for the childcare and mental load because he is at a crucial stage of his career / doing a stressful job / providing for the future.

Ultimately only you can decide but you need to think long and hard about the red flags pp are raising and beyond the lovely lifestyle he gives you at the moment. That will all change with children and how will you reconcile your feelings when his DD needs priority over your DC. Read the many step parenting threads to give you an idea of the difficulties of blended families.

sorry if I sound negative but life experience has shown me that successful relationships with your age gap are are far fewer than where there is a a smaller gap.

My brother is 52, his wife is 32. They have an almost 2 year old and are considering having another. They are incredibly happy and my brother is a very hands on dad, actually doing more than my SIL as he’s part time and she’s full time. It works very well for them.

It might work now but it will be a different story when he is 72 and she is 52...

Two completely different stages of life.

Not to mention that their child when they are 14/15 will have a father who is pensioner and who will struggle to relate to and cope with a moody teenager.

His wife might also resent being the main, full-time bread winner in the longer term.

At 25 the OP should enjoy her youth and date men closer to her age, not take on the baggage of a 40 year old man who already has a child....

Thats a huge age gap.
You are so young.
The difference in life experience between 25 and 40 is truly vast IMO.

Your brother is gross and selfish.

Some women have babies when they're over 50. Less likely to have problems with a 40 year old man and a younger woman.

@khgguikicksRUDE. My brother is a loving, kind, supportive husband who is a hands on dad. Yes, there’s a big age gap. They discussed this before they got married and had children. It works for them.

@Greenseawitch lots of 72 year olds are perfectly healthy? Very presumptuous of you to presume otherwise.

This. Why is he interested in a much younger woman unless he’s a creep?

My DH was 40 when we got married, I think it's fine to have kids at that age a long as you get on with it immediately. But that's the problem for you, because you are only 25 and it forces you to have kids now, before he gets too old.

But the biggest issue is that your age gap is huge. There's 8 years between me and DH but we are different generations and over the years that's become quite an issue. We like different music, different films, different activities, we don't have any childhood experiences in common, he didn't watch any of the TV shows that I did. Honestly, it's a problem. We tend to socialise separately because we don't have enough in common.

Your age gap is just about twice ours, so this is going to be even worse for you, and if I'm honest I judge a 40 year old bloke who gets with a 25 year old, it's creepy and makes me think he's immature.

So I think the children question is the least of your worries to be honest

There's 8 years between me and DH but we are different generations and over the years that's become quite an issue

There’s 13 between me and DH and over the years the generation gap hasn’t been an issue at all.

Ummm, women don't actually have babies over 50. Very very rarely anyway. And they will be via IVF.

.