Is it sensible to have children with a man over 40?

[Hunteress]

Any advice from older parents...
I have always wanted to be a mother and desired a future where I can create a family with someone I love.
I think I found that person.
He is intelligent, kind, generous, incredibly funny, talented and resourceful, hard-working, courteous, the list goes on... And he's gorgeous 😍

The one thing that plays on my mind is that he is 40 next year and I am concerned with starting a family this late in life, about the things that could go wrong/what milestones might be missed.
I've read a bit about advanced paternal age and it's effect on DNA stability and chance of miscarriage/mutations. From my understanding fertility decline impacts men in a similar, if less sudden, way. That's one worry.
Another is the concern that he would be into his 60s or 70s by the time the children would be of an age to consider a family themselves. I'm worried that he wouldn't get much time with any grandchildren...

He has a daughter who is 10 years old already to a previous partner. He is open to more children and shares some of my concerns.
I feel I have plenty of time and don't have the same considerations, as I am in my mid-twenties (25).
And I struggle to know weather to pursue this or weather these things will impact my children's life in a negative way... And weather the age gap will widen (emotionally, energy-wise, etc) in 10 or 20 years.

Any advice out there?
It's very appreciated!

I was 25 and my husband 37 when we met, so not quite as big a gap as yours, but not far off. I can see why 25-39 feels like a big gap to some, but our gap genuinely has been fine. I don't know if having children has aged me terribly but now we're in our 30s and 40s respectively, no-one really assumes there's much of a gap between us and it has no bearing on our dynamic now- we mostly forget about it. There was nothing weird about him seeking a younger woman, we just met and really really got on.

I have no idea what that gap might bring in the future in terms of health, but let's be honest- no-one knows what the future brings anyway. 45 was his personal cut off point to say no more children though, in relation to your OP. Toddlers especially require a lot of physical work and that's just less fun the older you get 😂

Oh, and there were no issues with fertility or genetic mutations etc. We had very healthy babies.

Mumsnet is obsessed with age gaps. I am 7 years older than DH (been together almost 40 years) His brother was horrified, said it's not right.He's 69,gets up a 60 foot tree with a chainsaw..Climbs on the roof to clean the solar panels, and the conservatory roof.No he wasn't an arboriculturist or a roofer. One DC has serious muscular/skeletal problems. Has done since her 20s. One DD often unwell, she smokes and drinks,we don't do either. I have a friend who married someone 20 years older, they did divorce, but he was horrible. I have close friends,55f/75m ,they have adult dks,no gks, and absolutely adore each other. My first H,was fat,old, boring,nasty at 26..(that wasn't why we divorced,we were the same age)It depends how long you have been together,do you have shared interests?

There's a 9 year age gap so I guess just about

Well I had both my dc in my forties, and I love having young adults now. Youngest is 19 and such great fun. I suppose I was more tired than I might have been if I’d had a baby younger, impossible to know though. If my life had panned out differently I would have liked a baby in my twenties but I met DH later and married when I was 39.
He is 38 or 39 now ? It’s a fairly normal age to have a baby, particularly for a man.
Are you worried about the age gap more generally ? DH and I have an 8 year gap the other way round, but some of the other long and happy marriages I know have much larger gaps, from 15 to 25 years, so I never feel an age gap is an automatic problem, but how do you feel about it ?

@Nannyfannybanny · Today 09:29

Mumsnet is obsessed with age gaps

And with good reason. You almost always come up against issues when there is an age gap of more than a decade. It's delusion to deny there will be issues and problems.

Don’t date men with kids if you can help it. And at your age there is just no need to saddle yourself with ‘step mum’ complications (and there are complications !) You don’t need to be thinking of kids yourself now either. You’re young, enjoy it.

Staring a family with a 40 year old is not a problem. A 25 year old in a relationship with a 40 year old is

Everyone saying his age doesn't matter, it kinda does. That was OP's point. Paternal age does matter when it comes to a child's health.
Statistically your child has a higher risk of chromosomal or neurodevelopmental abnormalities.
It's a gamble. You're only 25, I'd hold out for someone your own age.

My DH was 40 when we had a kid - but then so was I. The age gap is a concern. I’d sit and think on this one long and hard. You are very young to be settling down - let alone with a 40 year old no matter how handsome and courteous.

Yep. It’s easy not to see the issues when you’re both relatively young and starting out. My dh and I have an age gap of 10 years ish and when we first met I was 32 and he was 22 and it was fine. Now we’re older and I’m menopausal and feel like I’m winding down in my life and he’s still in his prime as it were and I think we both grind each other up the wrong way in many ways. Still mostly happily married but the age gap is showing.

I would be more concerned about your long term future with someone this age. If he isn't so sprightly in his old age you may find it rather frustrating. There is an enormous difference between the average 65 year old and the average 80 year old.

I was 40 when I became a dad 42 for the second time. It’s been a ride now 50 my friends are preparing for the next stage kids at university and they have some freedom to go away with each other. We had that freedom for a long time before my DW is 4 yrs younger.

You can love who you like and life is never a straight path . But as many have said your age gap puts you in different places. Also you mentioned milestones but he’s already had many firsts that you haven’t had with his daughter and will have more even as you have your own.

25 and 40 year old, no. When you are 40, he’ll be 55 and a different period of life. If you have a baby when he is 42, he will be 60 when they go to uni, possibly 70+ when becoming a grandad.

The issue isn't his age, it's your age gap. Many men become fathers in their 40s however their partner having the baby is usually of a similar age.

It’s surprising to see so many people asking, “What if you end up caring for him when he’s older?” To me, that’s simply part of being in a loving relationship. Love is about supporting each other through all stages of life, through the good times and the challenges, and being there for one another when it matters most.

I think it’s this kind of mindset that contributes to the increasingly self-centred society we seem to be living in, where we can sometimes forget the importance of love, commitment and being there for one another.

Lots of women have kids at 40+ op.

My mum was 60 when I went to uni and is a hands on granny at 79 now, I’m glad no one told her not to have me!

You are being disingenuous.

There is a big difference with people of similar age growing old together, retiring and caring for each other while reaching that stage of their life and the scenario where a still relatively young woman, likely to still be in the workplace and looking after her kids, also having to care for a much older husband who is at a completely different stage of his life.

Nothing about being 'self-centred', it is about being practical.

I personally think men targeting much younger women are selfish. It is also selfish to give children older parents...

At this age the age gap won’t seem so huge but when people get towards retirement age then it’s very different. I have one friend who has retired, early at 57.His wife is just over 40 she cannot join him yet as she doesn’t have enough NI contributions nor enough in pension pot.

I believe people can love each other regardless of age gap but it’s high risk from a practical point of view.

People are right that if you really love someone and they become ill you should want to care for them. But if they are very ill and there is no end in sight then being a carer is your lot until they die. My sister is caring for her older DH, she does love him but my God the rage at her life being on hold, she cannot go anywhere or do anything. Most people will not vocalise this to anyone because it’s not nice.

Is 15 years really a huge gap?

(Im sure we've had threads asking about this and opinions were less against.)

Does 31 and about to turn 46 sound better? That's where OP and her partner would be in 6 years - possibly with a kid in reception already ... would many eyebrows really be raised?

Wrt to future - it all depends on health and luck. I know 60 somethings doing marathons in fine health, doing loads of child care for pre school grandkids and early 40 somethings who've had dreadful life changing health shocks which no one saw coming. Now they can't look after a young child for even one day. Their own or anyone else's!

I see A LOT of older parents at the school gates these days. And even more grandparents happily doing pick up and after school care. My own mother mind you was 'old' in her 40s. Seemingly couldn't wait to jump into walking frame and shuffling mode even though there was nowt wrong with her! Just loved doing nothing for anyone.

I don't know - i just don't think you can generalise. We're all different and none of us can see what's coming.

sorry but he’s way too old for you!

My dad was 46. He's been an absolutely wonderful father. It's a shame he's not able to be hands on with grandkids (early 80s now) but he makes up for it with love and attention (and too many presents!) when we visit every couple of weeks.

My DH was 45 when I had DD, he’s still by far the most energetic parent in the playground. I also know plenty of 30 year old men who couldn’t walk up the stairs without breaking into a sweat. Focus on the individual, not the age. And worrying that he wouldn’t get much time with any grandchildren is a really bizarre thing to even consider at this stage tbh.

There's a 63 year old father with a child in my son's Y1 class

OP seems to have done a runner. I guess we will never know if he even pays for his 10 year old.