Is it sensible to have children with a man over 40?

[Hunteress]

Any advice from older parents...
I have always wanted to be a mother and desired a future where I can create a family with someone I love.
I think I found that person.
He is intelligent, kind, generous, incredibly funny, talented and resourceful, hard-working, courteous, the list goes on... And he's gorgeous 😍

The one thing that plays on my mind is that he is 40 next year and I am concerned with starting a family this late in life, about the things that could go wrong/what milestones might be missed.
I've read a bit about advanced paternal age and it's effect on DNA stability and chance of miscarriage/mutations. From my understanding fertility decline impacts men in a similar, if less sudden, way. That's one worry.
Another is the concern that he would be into his 60s or 70s by the time the children would be of an age to consider a family themselves. I'm worried that he wouldn't get much time with any grandchildren...

He has a daughter who is 10 years old already to a previous partner. He is open to more children and shares some of my concerns.
I feel I have plenty of time and don't have the same considerations, as I am in my mid-twenties (25).
And I struggle to know weather to pursue this or weather these things will impact my children's life in a negative way... And weather the age gap will widen (emotionally, energy-wise, etc) in 10 or 20 years.

Any advice out there?
It's very appreciated!

DH was 40 when we had DD. He has been a great hands on dad, i would be much more worried about the age gap in your case.

@Greenseawitch .

I agree with older men targeting younger women is off but I don’t agree that having children older is selfish. We never asked for our infertility issues .

I work with families and see teen parents and parents starting older than I did . If you love and care for them’ then everything else works it way out .

Loads of men become dads in their 40s now, it's not something I'd consider an issue. 50s or 60s (it does happen!) yes, but I don't think having a dad in his 40s means your child has meaningfully way less time with him than one with a younger dad.

And I really wouldn't bother worrying about grandkids, that's just completely hypothetical and I think growing up without one grandparent, or having them die when you are still a child is totally normal and has no effect on someone's life or wellbeing. I think it's only quite recently there's been this expectation that you'll still have most of your grandparents when you reach adulthood.

Re: age gap I'm not going to say there's anything wrong with it in itself and I know couples with that age gap, but as people have said, consider what it might be like further down the line for you if you're at quite different life stages.

I wouldn't want to have a dc with any bloke who is dating someone in their mid twenties when they are 40.
You are really young OP don't tie yourself up with an old bloke who already has dc.

Is it ever “sensible“ to have children? Let alone with a man 😆

It’s about the most dangerous thing any woman can ever do.
It risks her body, career, health, mental health, tying her to some other person forever (even if he turns out to be abusive). It even risks your life btw. People can and do die as a result of pregnancy and childbirth.

All else aside - At 25 though of course you shouldn’t be having babies with a 40 year old.

Has he even bothered to marry you yet?
A forty year old man who respects you would not bring up babies with a woman he hadn’t proposed to. I know there are lots of unmarried mums, but there is also a lot of men disrespecting women, so that checks out.

There is nothing wrong to start family with someone who is 40. My partner is 39 and will be 40 before our baby is 1. He is healthy and fit. That said I am 33. You being in your mid 20s, I think the age gap is a bit much..

She'll be on her Xbox or something. Before she goes out with the 40yo later 😂

Ps: there’s a reason women his own age don’t want him. Hence him out cradle robbing.

Your age gap is the biggest problem here. You would be mad to continue. But I know you will because at age 25 you don’t really understand life yet.

Nowadays marriage has nothing to do with starting a family. I have no intention of getting married any time soon and expecting a baby with a man who is nearly 40 and has plenty of respect for me..

the issue here is the age gap and that this man already has a 10 year old. In my opinion 15 years gap is too much to have a child who already had one with someone else. He can waste OPs time proposal or not and lie about wanting kids, changing his mind in few years time - this is what my ex did - wasting 3 years of my life. And he seemed a lot more “committed” than my current partner. Marriage is not synonymous with children and committing these days…

Yep, especially when it's the man who is older, because many men (once they get to their mid 50s,) tend to become lazier, can't be arsed to do anything, and prefer to slob around watching television all day, sitting at their computer, and scrolling through their phone. (Occasionally leaving the house to walk the 5 minute walk to the local pub to knock back six pints.)

Women (as they leave menopause and become more 'senior age' like 55-65,) tend to want to get out more and experience everything life has to offer. Like hobby groups, long walks, taking up a new sport, doing volunteering, and finding new hobbies...

I am in my mid 50s, and I couldn't imagine being married to a man who is 70!

.

If you don’t want to ever get married and he knows that then that’s fine. But if marriage is something you might want… you’re taking a massive risk having the kid first. It’s that old adage, why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free. Sorry to be crass.

I had my kids at 41 and 43. My DH was four years older and had two kids in their teens then. My friend had her son at 46 and her DH was 52! Our children are all early/mid 20s and we are all well (except my DH who passed away at 51).
Honestly I think 40 is fine. 60 maybe not. But as said are YOU ready to be a mum now and have a partner 15 years older? What would that look like 30 years down the line?

you’re as close to his daughter in age as you are to his daughter. Op you’re going to find it very tough with a ten year old

Oh yes good point, op is exactly in the middle of the father and daughter ages.

My ds' dad was 56 when ds was born. DS was a bit of a surprise given that I was 44 when I conceived.

No issues with ds who is now happy, healthy 6'2" and reading engineering at uni.

More issues with the age gap. Make sure he understands that being a dad involves him doing half the nappies, half the early mornings, half the chores, taking half the days off in parental leave if your dc is poorly, before you conceive.

You're very young. Lots to experience yet. And do you want to be caring for a 75yo when you are 60?

Good luck whatever you decide.

The age gap may become an issue - DH is only 6yrs older than me but the gap is noticeable now in our 50’s where it wasn’t at all 20yrs ago.
I’d be concerned about autism - a high proportion of the older dads I know have kids with varying degrees of problems.
If you do go ahead make sure there is generous life insurance in place - if he is one of the unfortunate ones that doesn’t make it through the snipers alley of your 50’s you don’t want to be in trouble financially with a young child.

completely depends where you live. kids in 40s very normal here and kid at 25 would be very unusual.

Whether not weather...I'm sorry but you've used it 3 times.

Dr bullshit is here I see

There might be ways to mitigate some of the risk, such as him taking supportive supplements if you ever were to try for a baby, but like others on here, I'm concerned about the age gap.

If you really feel like you've found the right man, first, make sure you get married before having children. As much as you trust him now, there are a lot of men out there who like being with younger women because they think they can delay important things and do some future faking with them - so there'll be talk of marrying or having children that always gets pushed forward.

Also, you need to be prepared for the fact that if you both live to statistical average ages, he will die 15 years younger than a partner your own age probably would. His body will age 15 years before someone your own age too. It's a great scenario for the men to be with someone so young, and to have someone fitter look after them in older age, but not for you.

Imagine, if you had a baby next year, you'd be 26. If you had 2 children with a 2 year gap between them, the youngest wouldn't leave home until you are 46. He would be 61 then, and then by the time they leave university, if everything goes well, they might move out by the time he's 64.

You need to consider a scenario whereby you might only have 6 years with him before his health takes a nosedive and you might again be in the position of having to be someone else's caregiver.

And then, there's the fact he already has a child - have you really thought about all the politics that surrounds that, like which family he'll spend his Christmases with?

Have you considered that some men are really after a much younger women, and as nice as he is to you now, you might find him very different once you reach 35 and you have started to visibly age.

Just be careful.

What a narrow and ignorant view.

Without ND, we'd have no Einstein, no Beethoven, no Darwin, no Mozart, no Michelangelo, no Picasso. Half the tech companies in the world were started by those with ASD.

I'm autistic. It runs through the female line in our family. I've just retired after 40 years in IT, good salary, had my only child in my 40s and raised him alone when his f went walk about. No issue at all. He's happy, confident, secure, now reading engineering at a good uni.

So @fumingrightnow1 spare us your foolish generalisations.

I think the poster has partially read about the slightly increased risk of ND due to the age of the father, which is one proven link. Agree that is not what I would be worried about with older men and a first time pregnancy. Each year of ageing adds new spontaneous DNA copy errors (de novo mutations) in sperm production cells, which can cause embryo's to develop various childhood cancers such as leukemia as well as mental health issues such as bipolar and schizophrenia.

More worrying for me would be that because sperm cells accumulate more DNA fragmentation and oxidative stress over time it lowers the overall chance of a successful pregnancy. This lady could have multiple miscarriages and the trauma that goes with it because lower motility increases the average time to become pregnant from male age of 40+ and studies show an increased risk of spontaneous abortion and miscarriage linked to advanced paternal age.

Additional older fathers face higher statistical risks of premature birth, low birth weight, and conditions like gestational diabetes. According to a Stanford University School of Medicine study, infants born to older fathers have elevated rates of neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) admissions.

It really doesn't seem worth the risk for a healthy 25 year old.

Why do you want a child so young? You’re only 25