Is it sensible to have children with a man over 40?

[Hunteress]

Any advice from older parents...
I have always wanted to be a mother and desired a future where I can create a family with someone I love.
I think I found that person.
He is intelligent, kind, generous, incredibly funny, talented and resourceful, hard-working, courteous, the list goes on... And he's gorgeous 😍

The one thing that plays on my mind is that he is 40 next year and I am concerned with starting a family this late in life, about the things that could go wrong/what milestones might be missed.
I've read a bit about advanced paternal age and it's effect on DNA stability and chance of miscarriage/mutations. From my understanding fertility decline impacts men in a similar, if less sudden, way. That's one worry.
Another is the concern that he would be into his 60s or 70s by the time the children would be of an age to consider a family themselves. I'm worried that he wouldn't get much time with any grandchildren...

He has a daughter who is 10 years old already to a previous partner. He is open to more children and shares some of my concerns.
I feel I have plenty of time and don't have the same considerations, as I am in my mid-twenties (25).
And I struggle to know weather to pursue this or weather these things will impact my children's life in a negative way... And weather the age gap will widen (emotionally, energy-wise, etc) in 10 or 20 years.

Any advice out there?
It's very appreciated!

My Dad was 46 when I was born. He saw me grow up, graduate, get married and have children. I don't think it's a problem.

Someone I know has just had a baby with a man in his early 40s. The nature of his job means he could retire in 10 years and be around for his child while they're still young.

I think the poster is commenting on her husband thinking about having to pay uni costs at a certain age because he’s older than her, and the OP was asking about older fathers, not necessarily because she won’t also be contributing.

DH was 40 and 43 when our two boys were born. But I was 36 and 39, so we were older first time parents together.

like the others of be more concerned with the age gap. I’m 54 now, and several similar age friends of mine who married significantly older men are struggling. Their husbands health, general age related decline including cognitive decline, a general stiffening of attitudes towards lots of things, and on the close horizon the prospect of becoming a carer rather than a partner. I can’t imagine being married to someone who’s approaching 70 at my age.

my sister has married a man significantly older than her. No kids though so they are each other’s first priority, and she’s already resigned to being a carer and / or widowed relatively young.

Issues in order

1. age gap
2. existing dc
3. his age - and I don't really think 40 is an issue.

I’d be more concerned that this perfect guy you’ve met is interested in someone your age. Most decent 40 year old men would steer clear of someone your age.
At your age that’s a big gap, the person you are when you are 25 is completely different to the one you’re are at 40, I think by the time you’ve got to 40 the scales may have fallen from your eyes

Age gap is a problem (if not now it will become one).

From a DNA perspective, certain things appears to correlate directly with paternal age. Autism is one of those things.

I have an autistic child and wish I’d known this. I wouldn’t do it again.

@Hunteress

Hmmm, yeah I agree with a pp, it's not the age of him (40 is not too old to become a father,) but you being 25 and him being 40 is a concern. He is too old for you, and I would not be having children with him if I were you.

Maybe I am a cynical old bat, but middle aged men, (particularly those who have already been married and have a child/children,) are often looking for another woman (often a younger woman,) to be step-mummy to his children, a housekeeper and maid to him, and a carer to him when he is older.

Very pessimistic I know, but I know men, and I know what they're like. And they get worse as they get older.

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I don't have children but I have a similar age gap with my DH - I was a little older than you when we met, 30. We've been together now over 20 years.

One thing to consider is your life stages when he comes to retirement age and you will still be working. That can feel a little as though you are wasting valuable time together, i.e. by the time you, the younger one, can retire, your DH might be 'past it'.

Generally, though, I like being married to an older man, it's nice to be with someone who remembers all the interesting things in the 1960s and early 1970s that I missed out on because I wasn't born or was too young to appreciate. It's a good sort of age difference for 'filling in the gaps' from your early childhood.

I never wanted children and DH wasn't bothered either way, but the age gap wouldn't have stopped me if we had wanted them.

One way of looking at it is, you don't know what the future will bring - you could have children with someone your own age, and he might develop a debilitating illness, die in an accident, bugger off with someone else etc. There's no way of guaranteeing your children's father will be present and active to see them grow up.

If he's the right person for you and he wants children with you, then don't let the age difference stop you.

Your issue here is the age gap and the fact he already has a 10 year old kid.
being a step mom.
age gap = different times in your lives.
he already been a parent - is he sure he wants to do all that again?
are you sure he doesn’t just want a little wifey at home?
do you have a career? Financially stable? Independent?
I wouldn’t be getting into this dynamic at all.
im a parent and a step parent and with a man in his 40s.

My worry for you is that a 40 yo having a much younger life partner is looking for a nurse with a purse. He will likely need to have help getting erections soon and this may mean he will stop any SSRIs he is on (been there) and turn into someone completely different when you are pg and have no way to turn back.

I assume you have checked he pays for his child and has a decent relationship with her and the mother and know roughly what actually went wrong (and he can explain what his part in it was).

I think you have time to be picky and really dig into what he expects from you. You need to discuss how you would parent, what he is like with money, if he will pay maintenance if things don't go as well in a year's time. Be practical and don't rush or get love-bombed (older men are well versed in this) so I would be cautious until at least a year has passed as they can't keep up the false persona past that.

I don’t think his age is an issue, but the fact he already has kids is. The age gap between you is also an issue. Find someone your own age, with no children. You really shouldn’t need to be scraping the barrel at 25.

I’d only consider this if you were also a similar age yourself. You’re so young, go have fun with people your own age. A relationship with him means you start as a step mother, which you may love, but comes with a lot of compromise on your part.

My experience was similar to that of your friend. I burnt myself out while exDP was sitting on the sofa and trying to control me. I’m now in poor health as a result.

What do you mean by “milestones missed” OP? Just curious, as my Dad was 43 when I was born (he is now 80) and has been there for all my milestones so far (hopefully he will still be here when I have children, but hopefully this won’t be too long as we are still TTC and he is in very good health, but he has been there for my siblings having children). This year, he walked me down the aisle, have a fantastic wedding speech and painted the whole of my new house and did the flooring. He has always been a fantastic dad and his age has never been an issue. He keeps in great shape, still goes bike riding and walking daily.
i think you are overthinking.

From a fertility perspective, 40 is really not that old for a man. He could perhaps have a fertility MOT just to check, but generally 40 is fine for an otherwise healthy man.
DP and I had our daughter when he was 53. She is happy, healthy and perfect, and no trouble conceiving from his side at all.

Your age gap is another matter. DP and I have 20 years between us. We got together at 29 and 49, now 37 and 57 and those years are starting to show in a way they didn't at the beginning. Nothing is terrible or anything, but he doesn't have the energy or oomph that he had eight years ago, whilst I (for the most part) still do.

I'd just say to proceed with caution, OP. And if it isn't too awkward, ask about his pension plans and retirement, because if he hasn't sorted those things, when you're kid is off to uni and he is winding down, you might be the breadwinner in a very significant way.

I did, he was 47. All great til he died at 58

40 is completely normal and common for a man to have children. Lots of my male friends had kids in their early 40’s, granted only a few were having their first at 40 but I’d say I know at least a dozen off the top of my head who were in their early 40’s when they had their 2nd or 3rd

However, as a 25 year old, are you sure you really want a life with a man 15 years older than you. I’m 52, no way even now would I want to be living my life with a 67 year old.

My DH was mid-40s when we had our first and 2.5 years older for our second. He's a great dad - we are equal parents, do equal chores etc. The kids are now at secondary and both adore him.

Why on earth are you stating he’s likely to get erection problems soon? Sure there may be some men in their 40’s who do but it’s not the norm. I was dating men in their mid to late 50’s before I met DP and trust me erections were not an issue as a rule

sorry have replied to the wrong post but my point still stands

I agree about the problems and issues escalating as you both age. My friend has a husband who is 6 years older than her, and he will be retiring 6 years before her (she is almost 60 and he is 66, he retires soon... in February 2027.) She won't be retiring until the end of 2033.

So she is having to keep working, and he will lose out on certain pension credits, and they won't get housing benefit (they rent their home) because of her income. And she can't do retired couple things with him, as she works. And she works/has to work 30-33 hours a week.

By the time she retires, he will be 72, and will already have been retired for 6 years. It's hard for her to get him to even leave the house half the time now, as he CBA, and is quite lazy and sedentary. In 6 years she will need dynamite to blow him out of his armchair and get him out of the house.

Imagine that, if the man is 15 years older?!

The age gap is the big concern. Not his perfectly usual age for fatherhood.

There is the same age gap between you and him, as between you and his daughter.

I don't trust 40yo who date 25yo.
When you are his current age, 40 dating a 25yo, you will be 40 with a 55yo.

Roughly 40% of men experience erectile dysfunction by their early 40s, that's just a fact. The OP's 40 year old partner is really close to the stage where he has a risk of getting this problem.

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I am an older mom after many years of infertility not by choice. I know neither me or my husband willtl be around for our child as long as we want to but we have made provisions and people to support her if/when the worst happens. Saying that children lose their parents everyday for whatever reasons.

Like the other people say it's the age gap that will be the problem. We have a big ish age gap too but not like yours and I worry about my husband's health everyday.

I find it odd that at 25 you would want to have a family with a 40 year old.

Surely you have plenty of other options and time to date younger men who have more in common with you and are at a similar stage in life.

I don't think it is good as well for children to have older fathers.

Raising teenagers in your 50s is not a good idea and saddling children in their 20s with an old age pensioner as a parent is not ideal either.

Not to mention that you will end up caring for an elderly man while still in your prime....