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Original poster

Is a fetish necessarily a sign that someone can’t function without it

42 replies

Clubsoda11 · Yesterday 19:02

If someone tells you that they have a kink or fetish but that it’s not essential for their sex life, is this realistic? I know that I’ll probably get responses from people with prejudices but I was wondering if someone who has experienced this can offer practical advice.

Im fairly open but not always the best with setting boundaries and whilst I’m ok to explore I don’t want to sleepwalk into a situation where I am expected to cater to a special need.

I have no reason to believe that he was untruthful about what he said but since I am unfamiliar with this I am not sure how to approach it. He hasn’t suggested trying anything btw but mentioned it so I’m wondering about it because I suspect that the topic will probably come up sometime.

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · Yesterday 21:57

IME they all say that, then either pressure you all the time to do fetish things, or stop having sex with you altogether and get their rocks off to niche OnlyFans accounts (while still expecting you do cook them dinner / wash their socks / listen to them whinge about their day at the office).

I don’t know how it is for female fetishists, but the whole thing, for the male fetishists I’ve had dealings with, is that things have to be done their way or not at all. And other people (particularly women) aren’t as important as objects, or are at best equivalent to objects.

Kickstartneeded · Yesterday 21:57

VoltaireMittyDream · Yesterday 21:57

IME they all say that, then either pressure you all the time to do fetish things, or stop having sex with you altogether and get their rocks off to niche OnlyFans accounts (while still expecting you do cook them dinner / wash their socks / listen to them whinge about their day at the office).

I don’t know how it is for female fetishists, but the whole thing, for the male fetishists I’ve had dealings with, is that things have to be done their way or not at all. And other people (particularly women) aren’t as important as objects, or are at best equivalent to objects.

Perfectly said and also my experience 1000%.

Original poster
Clubsoda11 · Yesterday 22:08

@Kickstartneeded But he was absolutely fine with normal sex and had no issues at all, so I don’t think it’s as bad as the cases you linked there which seemed really mad

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · Yesterday 22:09

Kickstartneeded · Yesterday 21:57

Perfectly said and also my experience 1000%.

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The ‘my way or not at all’ applies in all areas of life for these men, IME - they can’t collaborate or compromise, and while they’ve learned to pretend to care about other people, they don’t really. They live in their own heads with their obsessions and other people are only relevant as instruments of their pleasure or convenience.

Kickstartneeded · Yesterday 22:13

VoltaireMittyDream · Yesterday 22:09

The ‘my way or not at all’ applies in all areas of life for these men, IME - they can’t collaborate or compromise, and while they’ve learned to pretend to care about other people, they don’t really. They live in their own heads with their obsessions and other people are only relevant as instruments of their pleasure or convenience.

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Also my experience. I felt I was a convenience to him, for emotional and mental support and company. But in his head, he wanted someone completely different. He wanted the BDSM, seeing the woman suffer, him then being dominated.... such an odd mixture. Not as bad as some stuff I've read about on here and online, but I never felt I was enough for him. Because I wasn't.

They live in their own heads with their obsessions and other people are only relevant as instruments of their pleasure or convenience. Exactly this.

Kickstartneeded · Yesterday 22:14

Clubsoda11 · Yesterday 22:08

@Kickstartneeded But he was absolutely fine with normal sex and had no issues at all, so I don’t think it’s as bad as the cases you linked there which seemed really mad

Then maybe it isn't a fetish that he has. Or a kink. He just likes certain things. Maybe now and then.

Very early to be bringing it up. Without knowing what it is though, it's difficult to assess and comment.

TR0LLING · Yesterday 22:16

VoltaireMittyDream · Yesterday 22:09

The ‘my way or not at all’ applies in all areas of life for these men, IME - they can’t collaborate or compromise, and while they’ve learned to pretend to care about other people, they don’t really. They live in their own heads with their obsessions and other people are only relevant as instruments of their pleasure or convenience.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly this.

Id think really REALLY hard about this OP.

It’s worrying that you’ve only known him a few weeks and yet you describe yourself as “ in too deep “. What’s that about - is he love bombing or mirroring you?

Carouselfish · Yesterday 22:19

Id be so bored by someone saying this because it turns sex into a performance rather than really being about the two people.

Kickstartneeded · Yesterday 22:19

Carouselfish · Yesterday 22:19

Id be so bored by someone saying this because it turns sex into a performance rather than really being about the two people.

Oh yes, it gets really old real fast.

Kickstartneeded · Yesterday 22:20

And ruins any possibility of true intimacy

Original poster
Clubsoda11 · Yesterday 22:26

Ok, thank you

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