Is a fetish necessarily a sign that someone can’t function without it

[Clubsoda11]

If someone tells you that they have a kink or fetish but that it’s not essential for their sex life, is this realistic? I know that I’ll probably get responses from people with prejudices but I was wondering if someone who has experienced this can offer practical advice.

Im fairly open but not always the best with setting boundaries and whilst I’m ok to explore I don’t want to sleepwalk into a situation where I am expected to cater to a special need.

I have no reason to believe that he was untruthful about what he said but since I am unfamiliar with this I am not sure how to approach it. He hasn’t suggested trying anything btw but mentioned it so I’m wondering about it because I suspect that the topic will probably come up sometime.

Depends on what it is. Does he want to be an adult baby or cover you in custard? Does it involve violence?

No, a fetish means it has to be present. It’s hardwired in. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong but you would be incompatible.

I’m trying to work out of there is a difference between a fetish and a kink. To me, a kink is something you like but can live without, but a fetish is something you crave and it’ll always be there.

I think a lot of people (me included) have a kink, but can go without it. I wouldn’t say I have a fetish. So I think it’s very individual which is probably not much help. Can you share any more info?

Maybe historically it has been used in psychiatry to mean 'can't get aroused without', but I think common usage is more 'I am turned on by this specific thing' and it doesn't mean arousal is impossible without it. If he wants to try it I think he's allowed to bring it up (unless it's really disturbing or you have told him you're not interested); that's not a red flag in itself, but it would be a red flag if he starts doing it without asking or if he brings it up repeatedly when you've said no. In that case GTFO.

This is my understanding too. A kink is enjoyable but not strictly necessary. A fetish is integral to the experience.

To me, mentioning it as a fetish or kink means it’s important. If it was ‘a thing I’ve tried and liked and would enjoy doing again’, I’d bring it up as a suggestion. To explicitly name it as a thing would suggest it’s important.

Oh god no, nothing involving nappies or excrements or else I’d be gone already. Same for choking which is a no go for me.
He hasn’t pushed anything but we talked about things and he brought it up but he seems to be a lot more open about some things than I’m used to and I feel a bit out of my depth because I don’t know how to react. I think it’s just different personalities.

Didn't work out for me. Had to end it a wee while back with a fella who told me he liked long hair. In reality it was an extreme fetish and he could not have sex because of it. He strung me along but I figured it out.

Lots of people enjoy different kinks but can function perfectly well without them. I’d say a fetish is different.

Ok it’s probably me having caused confusion. I think he only said that he was “into” it, so I wasn’t sure now. Must be a kink then if it’s not essential.

How long have you known the person? It would certainly make me observe them if they were mentioning it verh early. Sometimes it can be a test the waters with intention to push the boundaries. Is it something you would be into?

In my experience no.
One of my exes had a particular one that I found revolting. Unsurprisingly he didn't tell me but made the prostitutes at the strip club in our town do it and paid through the nose, behind my back. He was also paying for specialist sites and having deliveries to our house completely unknown to me. It took up a chunk of his monthly income which affects both of you and if they haven't told you they will undoubtedly gaslight you to hide it.
He was never going to be able to give it up, frankly, as he said he was too desensitised to normal porn which now had "no effect" so I left. Pitied his wife every time I think about him too.

It really depends on what it is. I thought a hair fetish wasn't really anything to worry about. But look it up and there are a few posts on here about it too and it can involve domination and coercion, basically witnessing a woman losing her dignity. If it doesn't involve humiliation and you think you might enjoy it too, just see how things progress. In my case I didn't like it, he couldn't have sex without the humiliation fantasy, and I wanted normal, lusty desire so I left him. A person can be great in many ways, but it wasn't enough for me.

Only you know. Just don't be coerced.

Edit... You might enjoy humiliation, not judging...

Not very long to be honest and we’re still in the getting to know phase which is why i appreciate him being transparent. Just not so sure what to make of it.
But very compatible so far in what we tried together I think.

Not sure what to make of it because its very niche? How does it make you feel? Is it something you could imagine enjoying.
I would just be wary that mentioning it very early on could be a sign it's very important to him but he is trying to underplay it. Only you know if its a deal breaker for you.

I don’t know. Both curious and wary at the same time I guess. I’d like to try it but I don’t want to be pushed. Thats a conversation for me to have but i wondered if it meant that its a bigger deal than just a casual interest. But I don’t think that anyone can obviously tell me that.

How long have you known him OP?

For me personally, I would need to be wanted and lusted after without the need for the fetish object or action. Been in a situation with a man before where he didn't tell me early on and I thought he wasn't attracted to me at all. He would sort of get aroused and then it would go away again. Then around 2 months in he said he wanted me to dress up like a strict looking woman in a suit and dominate him. He needed other stuff to get aroused but was never able to have sex with me. Ever. At all.

He was on BDSM dating sites but lied about it. I left him and told him to go find what he needed. Sometimes it can be all consuming. In his case, it even leaked out into the rest of his life and he would noticeably lust after woman who looked like his preferred dominatrix/school mistress type. Some conversations led me to believe the fetish came from childhood abuse... he even said he wasn't sure if he had been abused or not and should have some therapy but didn't go and it got to the point that I lost all respect for him because he wanted me to have a sexless relationship with him while he masturbated to porn and kept telling me he had a problem and knew he did and I'd be lying there totally unhappy and unsatisfied.

Sex isn't everything but bad sex and incompatible sex can really kill off any kind of connection with another person. Don't get in too deep with feelings until you really know the whole person. Men can minimise these things.

Choking should be a no go for everyone and it’s now illegal as it’s so so dangerous. https://www.breathlesscampaign.com Less pressure than it takes to open a can of coke can cause brain damage stroke or death.

A few weeks only but we had perfectly normal (and very good) sex so I know that he doesn’t need “it” to get off. If this wasn’t possible I wouldn’t even consider it because then I wouldn’t be the right person for his needs and vice versa.
I think I’m already too deeply invested but at least not completely brainless.

I have been on both sides of this, as someone who has enjoyed "light" BDSM.

For me, it's never been an issue either way, with anyone I have slept with. A sex life can be very good without including every possible enjoyable thing. There are things I've enjoyed with exes that I wouldn't do with DP, but our sex is still the best I've had.

Hope it isn't that then...

Mmmm... a few weeks is no time at all. You need more time to get to know him really.

After a handful of weeks, I'd caution you to question where your feelings of being "too deeply invested" come from.

I can get like that too and I would also say that I can become obsessive about someone if I fancy them and I tend to very much project who I want them to be without noting and accepting the reality of who and what they actually are.

I am getting counselling for this. Also for limerence. Just be careful. Feelings can betray us. It's way too early to be in "too deep".

I think you’d have to be comfortable to indulge it at least occasionally to keep him satisfied sexually whether a kink or a fetish or whatever.

If it’s something that’s a hard no, you’re likely sexually incompatible. If he wants it once a year for his bday and you’re open to it sometimes then that’s probably fine!

Ex who had the domination hair thing going on put his hand around my neck a couple of times. Didn't take me too much longer to leave him once I found out he was masturbating to some fairly cruel stuff.

You'd never know though.... although there were a couple of glimmers in his eyes that he might be a cruel man. You never can tell.

Slowly, slowly...... at this stage you're in love with the idea of him, not him.