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Original poster

kinks/fetishes

75 replies

CautiouslyMe · 19/08/2025 20:40

I've NC for this for obvious reasons and avoided posting on the sex board because I kind of want serious advice about this.

I've recently met a guy through OLD. We had great chemistry and chat, where we bounced off eachother and it seemed pretty easy and natural. It has mainly been lighthearted from us starting with lots of banter. Reference to kinks were occasionally drip fed into conversation. At first I assumed it was a joke because its mainly been a blink and you miss it topic in our chats. However, we have now met (nothing intimate or anything has happened yet) and since then the subtle kink references have come full force. A brief mention has now transpired to having previously had a Instagram dedicated to one of them, it appears he have multiple but whilst finally named a few, is cagey about specifics when I probe further and switches the conversation back to joking around.

I've never had any experience with the world of fetish before, I'm slightly uncomfortable with the sudden shift and what I may be being led into here. So I've come here to ask a couple of questions to try and centre my thoughts...

Would you date someone with kinks? Do you have kinks and can expand more on that type of lifestyle or relationship? Is this something that can be looked past if things were to continue? Or am I just talking myself out of seeing multiple red flags here?

OP posts:
TaborlinTheGreat · 19/08/2025 20:45

I mean... my natural reaction would to any mention of kink would be 'Eww, hell no!'. But the fact that you feel 'Uncomfortable at what you may be led into' is enough reason to run a mile. Anyway, his mentionitis combined with caginess when you try to ask more about it is a big red flag imo.

TheSpottedZebra · 19/08/2025 20:46

Nope, it's not for me.
So we'd not be at all compatible.

Keroppi · 19/08/2025 20:48

Depends what it is, but obviously he won't be able to have 'normal' sex without it, so you'll be having him obsessed over your toes, touching them all the time, being weird about them (for eg)
It's up to you whether you want to indulge or if it's an ick
I couldn't be bothered as it feels fake, performative and gross, personally. Points to a porn addict who objectifies women, I'd bin him off

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2025 20:51

A friend of mine (who is professionally qualified to speak on it) says the issue is that women have kinks and men have fetishes. Kinks typically stay in the intimate, private space and are an addition to a sex life. Fetishes are all-consuming and leak out into normal life.

If you haven’t done anything and he’s already drip-feeding you this, run.

Greenwitchart · 19/08/2025 20:51

Nope.

Don't go any further with this one.

Men who have fetishes/kinks often just look for someone to satisfy their obsessions rather than wanting to build a healthy relationship or being genuinely interested in you as a partner.

If his kinks are that important to him he should only be dating people who share them.

Original poster
CautiouslyMe · 19/08/2025 20:57

So the very few he has specifically named after being pushed are slime/goo (apparently this is a thing for most people in their early 40's), specific outfits (football strips,etc) and voyeurism, but i feel like this isn't the full picture and there's hints that there is more.

If you remove the fetishes, the match would have lots of potential.

OP posts:
CoyGoldenKoi · 19/08/2025 20:57

Since "kink" could cover interests in almost anything, I don't think there is such a thing as "the lifestyle" or relationship - it would depend what he was into.

And it would depend whether it was "I like to include this in sex sometimes" (probably fine) or "this is the only thing I'm interested in and I can't get enough of just this"(boring, not for me)

I'm pretty open minded, so yes, I've had kinky relationships, and it can be fun, but I wouldn't want someone who wasn't also strongly into vanilla sex.
Stuff like foot fetish - does nothing for me, but harmless, so I'm fine to play along.
Rubber, bondage, D/s etc - can be fun, silly, sexy, but I don't want to dominate or be dominated outside of the bedroom - I want an equal relationship elsewhere.
If he was into adult baby and diaper wearing, or stuff like that, it's going to be a hard pass, not for me.

I do tend to agree with @MrsTerryPratchett though - most women I know are "eh, it's fine and fun sometimes" and there are more men who are significantly more into it than the women.

But, having been in the kink scene for about a decade before I got bored and stopped, I would also say there are plenty of men who aren't like that and do just like to do some different things sometimes, and can be kind, respectful, good partners and considerate lovers, so I wouldn't necessarily rule it out, but be wary until you know what exactly he's looking for.

rwalker · 19/08/2025 21:00

Fair play for him being up front no drama if it isn’t for you what he’s into your incompatible
move on

CoyGoldenKoi · 19/08/2025 21:01

Also, FYI, slime/goo is NOT a thing for most people in their early 40's!!
Definitely him trying to normalise the not very common there.

Have literally met 1 person who was into it on the fetish scene, in the whole decade of being there.
😂

I wouldn't go for that, but TBF, I think I'm probably more put off by the football strips...

HelenHywater · 19/08/2025 21:01

CautiouslyMe · 19/08/2025 20:57

So the very few he has specifically named after being pushed are slime/goo (apparently this is a thing for most people in their early 40's), specific outfits (football strips,etc) and voyeurism, but i feel like this isn't the full picture and there's hints that there is more.

If you remove the fetishes, the match would have lots of potential.

I think the fetishes are central to who he is though, and aren't removable.

I'd drop him now I think.

( I don't even swipe right on people slag off vanilla sex and it's not even that I'm not into other stuff, but I feel that if they're mentioning it at such an early stage, it's pretty important to them).

Lonelycrab · 19/08/2025 21:04

Slime/goo😳

The relationship comes first, along with hopefully some good sex.

The kinks/fetishes might follow after. But only after those first two things are going well. Any man that bases a relationship on purely kink is imo a bit messed up.

ManyShapesOfPasta · 19/08/2025 21:06

Absolutely not, but I'm not into that.
Either you are, or you aren't, or perhaps you're open to try?
Do not stay around if it's not for you though.

Original poster
CautiouslyMe · 19/08/2025 21:07

I think what is making me the most uncomfortable is the drip feeding and the effort I'm having to go to for the full picture. He had originally down played it as just something he's into but its not a big deal in general life but to now have the information about the Instagram dedication page is making me a bit suspicious.

Edited to add, I suppose what im trying to say is subconsciously I may have been able to see past it all to a degree.

Is it possible to have a normal relationship in this dynamic?

OP posts:
DiordreBarlow · 19/08/2025 21:07

Gawd, the football shirt fetish has reminded me of David Mellor.

Keroppi · 19/08/2025 21:12

The dripfeeding and obsession is clearly high and he's trying to downplay, so he can have you invested
It's not worth it. I can see it now:
He will be doing dirty talk going on about how sexy you'd look covered in Slime like you're some nickelodeon actress. Looking at you with lust ridden eyes whilst you're squeezing out washing up liquid onto a sponge 😳
Buying you football kits for your birthday "just to wear for me"
You will feel uncomfortable but like you have to do it to get him off
What if he's moody if you don't indulge at all?
Like, personally, no. He's obviously sharing them as they're a big part of his sexual life

Beachtastic · 19/08/2025 21:15

Football strips?!?!?! as in, would like to see you wearing them, or as in, Match of the Day has him howling at the moon?!

Slime...?!

🤔😬

mumda · 19/08/2025 21:17

He'll keep on until you're fully immersed in goo. Eww

Beyondburnout · 19/08/2025 21:21

DiordreBarlow · 19/08/2025 21:07

Gawd, the football shirt fetish has reminded me of David Mellor.

Your showing our age.

Betsy95 · 19/08/2025 21:22

I mean I think kinks can be okay and an exciting addition provided you are both comfortable with whatever they are and enjoy a more liberal approach to sex.

However it sounds like you aren’t comfortable and he isn’t being exactly forthcoming about it. I personally would prefer someone be upfront and then allow the decision whether to take it or leave it.

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 19/08/2025 21:24

Do you really believe most people in their forties are into slime and goo? Really??

Gymbunny2025 · 19/08/2025 21:25

He wants someone to fulfill his fetishes. He doesn’t care who because let’s face it he can’t be fussy.

sounds like you want different things!

Missj25 · 19/08/2025 21:35

CautiouslyMe · 19/08/2025 20:40

I've NC for this for obvious reasons and avoided posting on the sex board because I kind of want serious advice about this.

I've recently met a guy through OLD. We had great chemistry and chat, where we bounced off eachother and it seemed pretty easy and natural. It has mainly been lighthearted from us starting with lots of banter. Reference to kinks were occasionally drip fed into conversation. At first I assumed it was a joke because its mainly been a blink and you miss it topic in our chats. However, we have now met (nothing intimate or anything has happened yet) and since then the subtle kink references have come full force. A brief mention has now transpired to having previously had a Instagram dedicated to one of them, it appears he have multiple but whilst finally named a few, is cagey about specifics when I probe further and switches the conversation back to joking around.

I've never had any experience with the world of fetish before, I'm slightly uncomfortable with the sudden shift and what I may be being led into here. So I've come here to ask a couple of questions to try and centre my thoughts...

Would you date someone with kinks? Do you have kinks and can expand more on that type of lifestyle or relationship? Is this something that can be looked past if things were to continue? Or am I just talking myself out of seeing multiple red flags here?

From what I can pick up from your post OP is there is mostly banter , light hearted chats, & at the same time this guy is getting in what he likes in the bed room, but dropping hints more so then talking to you openly , as though gauging you ..
I myself have kinks in the bedroom & like to be dominated , but this wouldn’t be discussed with guys I’m going to be intimate with for a while , I’d have to have a connection built with them first & trust them ..
You & this man sound to me like you haven’t built any kind of a connection & it’s all just sitting down having a laugh ..
I’d be getting to know him better if I were you , cause I don’t know why but from your post something sounds off about him to me ..

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2025 21:37

Beyondburnout · 19/08/2025 21:21

Your showing our age.

Show quote history

The Sun made it up anyway, didn't they? Or Max Clifford...

DiordreBarlow · 19/08/2025 21:39

Beyondburnout · 19/08/2025 21:21

Your showing our age.

Show quote history

In so many ways 😂

Original poster
CautiouslyMe · 19/08/2025 22:09

@Missj25 I think you are absolutely right in what you say.

So the situation with the guy is pretty much done. Since I posted i have messaged him and asked him to be upfront with the fetish situation as I want to make an informed decision moving forward. He basically said there isnt any more kinks than what had already mentioned, it's not a life thing as he needs emotional connection and doesn't need it them to be actively played out to maintain a relationship but did want it to be tried together before taking it off the table completely. He went on to say his recent ex wasn't into it and they "had many wonderful years together' but also an earlier ex had a choking fetish which he, whilst uncomfortable, actively took part in for her, which rang alarm bells along with the frequent ex dropping. I told him none of this is for me in a romantic sense. Now the guilt trip is subtly in play 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts: