Is a fetish necessarily a sign that someone can’t function without it

[Clubsoda11]

If someone tells you that they have a kink or fetish but that it’s not essential for their sex life, is this realistic? I know that I’ll probably get responses from people with prejudices but I was wondering if someone who has experienced this can offer practical advice.

Im fairly open but not always the best with setting boundaries and whilst I’m ok to explore I don’t want to sleepwalk into a situation where I am expected to cater to a special need.

I have no reason to believe that he was untruthful about what he said but since I am unfamiliar with this I am not sure how to approach it. He hasn’t suggested trying anything btw but mentioned it so I’m wondering about it because I suspect that the topic will probably come up sometime.

Yes to this. When things are new you’re a project.

And part of the project is finding a way to get you to do the slime / cuckolding / furry / sissy / foot stuff.

@Clubsoda11 "He hasn’t pushed anything but we talked about things and he brought it up but he seems to be a lot more open about some things than I’m used to"

Yeah, he's laying the groundwork. He's planting the idea in your head that it's all OK. He'll have "normal" sex for a while but anyone with a fetish needs that kick, like a drug.

Honestly, so far he’s been really good and a lot more “capable” than other guys I’ve met. But it is early days and I guess I’ll just have to see. As I said I’m ok to try things out unless they are a necessity.

What sort of fetish is it?

This is what a lot of us found at the outset of relationships with high masking, high functioning men with OCD / ASD (often correlated with compulsive sexuality and fetishism). Extremely good at presenting as competent, organised, considerate, thoughtful. They’ve studied it, it’s part of the project. They can’t sustain it for long. The need for control & things to be on their terms and in their service prevails.

Did you read this thread OP? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5584049-date-tried-to-put-a-hood-on-me-during-sex?page=2&reply=155060783

Theres some good replies on there, if it's BDSM/dom thing going on..

I’m not trying to he a downer, OP - I remember how it is to meet someone amazing (particularly if you’ve had series of bad or demoralising dating experiences), and you desperately want to override the couple of small reservations you have.

And when someone suggests it might not be what it seems, it feels awful. It can feel like you’re being told you’re not good enough to deserve a lovely relationship, or that you want too much, or that you’re a mug, or that you’ll never be allowed to have a loving relationship.

Please know none of that is the case. It is normal and healthy to want a happy and sexually fulfilling relationship with someone who cares about you. But to meet a man who’s capable of that kind of relationship, you need not to minimise the little niggles and concerns you have at the outset.

Those of us who speak from experience are not trying to rain on your parade, we just want to help women avoid the traps we fell into.

Just keep your eyes open and your wits about you, is all we’re saying. And don’t let yourself settle for being an object or a servant. It happens slowly, once you’ve made commitments that are hard to back out of.

It’s a type of domination one I guess. I’ll just see what transpires

And all of this makes lots of sense and I will keep this in mind. Thank you so much 😊

Is it being peed on? Sorry met a guy thought it was ideal, doing well in life well off nice, generous good looking but yeah.. didn’t make it past a few dates

I had an ex who wanted me to pee on him. And sometimes he wanted to drink it. It was not my thing. He turned out to be a total butter 🤣

Oh god no, I couldn’t do anything with piss or shit, not even as a role play scenario

I met one like that too but didn’t even entertain the thought. Like what is even happening in their heads

I think if it’s mentioned very early on then it is fairly important to him. Usually you get to know someone a bit before you suggest unusual things or fantasies, because you need an element of trust, unless it’s something you are very keen on. I went through a period of wanting only anal sex, and I had to mention it early within the first few weeks or the relationship wouldn’t have gone anywhere. But the first time I had sex with someone during this time wasn’t anal, because I needed to find out if we were generally sexually compatible and I needed to know if I could trust them. Best to be honest about what’s ok for you, and take what he says with a grain of salt

Ha ha didn't you mean to type nutter? Great typo 😂

Tbh he is a bit odd and seems odd and talks about weird stuff anyway, so I’ll just see about it. Seems that there is no proper consensus although I’ve clearly heard what to watch out for. Last thing I want is to be turned into an object, as some pp called it.

Role play + dominion? Sorry but that immediately sets off my alarm bells. I am fairly open but if he's into anything close to rape I wouldn't even consider it (no matter if he wants to be the active or passive part). Obviously just guessing and it might be something harmless. It was just the first thing that came to mind.

does he want you to dominate him? order him about? smack his bum with a paddle? that kind of thing? that might be possible?

if it was me and it’s the other way round with him dominating me id say no. i dont want anyone hurting me!

as for the sex being good, it was good for you because he did all you needed. i imagine it was just ok for him as he didn't get all HE needed.

Neither fetish or kink means "I have to have this every time I have sex".

In my experience, fetish does mean it's necessary to enjoy sex. The men I've encountered have been unable to even get excited without the fetish either mentioned or practiced. One ex would try to pleasure me, then he would need to masturbate because the fetish was everything to him. I felt sorry for him in the end. He had both his exes on fetish pedestals because they had the look and did the thing. I didn't so sex was a no go. A very odd experience.

Alarm bells....

If you feel invested after a few weeks how will you feel if you fulfill his fantasy and decide you don’t like it? In a years time you could realise that his fetish makes up 80% of your sex life with 20% about pleasing you but you will have invested more time into him.

What? Why?

You said he talks about weird stuff?

He sure does but none of it is worrying, just weird