Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

He’s shown you who he really is.

Believe him.

Men like this don’t get better in how they treat women, only worse.

It’s not you, OP. I hope you find someone better who treats you with the respect and kindness you deserve.

Absolutely unforgivable. He’s a cruel, horrible man. Pack up his shit and kick him out. Do you have deepens and family to support you kicking him out?

I believe you and I’m not even a friend, never mind your partner!
I agree, he speaks like he hates you.

If you're not married OP, and the house is solely yours, then you tell him the relationship is over and to move out immediately. He takes what he can carry, and then arranges to collect the rest at another time. You arrange for a locksmith to come out, and change the front and back door locks.

There's zero chance of coming back from this at all. Why on earth would you want there to be, he's shown you exactly what he thinks of you. His attitude towards you is utter contempt.

If his Mum asks you what's happened, tell her the truth. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your partner on the other hand does. The fact your partner is carrying on as if nothing has happened, tells you all you need to know. He doesn't give a flying fuck.

He does hate you. A lot of men hate women.

You don’t need to vindicate yourself lovely. You know what happened and that’s all that matters. What you need to do now is to make him realise that there is no coming back from the vile things he’s said. When he realises that you’re serious and it’s over, he’ll try to convince you that they were said in the heat of the moment and he didn’t mean them. That’s bullshit. The words should never have come out of his mouth in any circumstance.

What are your circumstances with him - I know you have a child so it’s not easy to just walk out but you seriously need plans to end this , now. You have trauma and he’s chosen to use that against you. He’s showing you who he really is - an abuser.

ETA just read that you own the house you’re living in. So it’s simple. He packs his shite and leaves. Today. And when he’s gone change the locks and block/delete him from every social media account and your phone.

Hes an absolute slimeball.
Get rid asap. Tell him you're not joking and that he's going to his mother's today.
Pack his crap into binbags and tell him to sling his hook.

Im furious on your behalf

This man hates you and clearly always has, so why are you in a relationship with him?

He sounds like a disgusting POS

This post says it perfectly, he can get the fuck right out

Don't go down the rabbit hole of wondering why he's said these things. He's a vile man. You need to kick him out. Now!

Hi OP
I'm sorry. Those are cruel words.
Question: Are you venting your upset or asking for advice ?
You don't have to worry about what anyone thinks if you want to leave a relationship.
What do YOU want to do?

He’s a very poor specimen of a human being, in fact, hardly human at all if he can't empathise with a victim of rape.

I wonder how he would feel to have been brutally raped in the same way.

Your action to suggest that he moves immediately back in with his mum, is perfect thinking OP. Well done !
For him to minimise what he said and turn it round on to you saying you are exaggerating or over- thinking, is equally as insulting as his original revelations.

Yes, he will twist the story and make out that he is your victim.
Tell him you will have no hesitation in letting his mates know exactly what he said, word for word, …damaging his reputation with the truth if he makes slanderous stories up about you, so that everybody will see his true colours.

Tell him very firmly to sling his rusty hook because he will never be welcome in YOUR home again.

I hope you feel glad to get rid of him.

Sending you hugs, what a horrible man! I couldn’t get past this & it would be the end of the relationship for me. No amount of apologies or excuses could discount what he said & him believing for the last 10 years it had been consensual! Throw that one back

Tell him he is not coming back to your home.

F him

What a disgrace of a man he is.

Thank goodness the house is yours. Find your anger, do not let him back into YOUR house at all.

I think I would rather have a pet cockroach that slept in my mouth than have this guy around

@amigoingmadd do you know how to change the barrel on your locks?

If you don’t I absolutely guarantee you have a friend who does, ask around or get on a YouTube video and do it ASAP to prevent him getting back in

Get a locksmith out and change the locks while he’s out.

He should never be allowed within 100m of you ever again. What an utterly hideous human. God there’s just so many of them like it.

Please leave , I doubt he'll ever change , and will probably get even more abusive if you displease him again .

I'm rarely shocked at anything I read online these days ,but this!?
Please leave this abusive, misogynistic,foul individual as soon as possible.
Im so,so,sorry for everything you have been through and are going through now.
I hope you have support IRL .

He wants to hurt u because he is a narcissist!!
That's is it !
U have done nothing wrong
You was raped and he is a nasty individual saying this and not believing you !
He is a part of society that allows men to get away with this shit
Stop it right down leave and don't look back find a guy who respects u x

He hates you. Leave. This will not get better.

What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself?

You change the locks on YOUR house and never let him in again, and rejoice in the fact that you never married him. He hasn't told you anything about yourself @amigoingmadd but he's told you plenty about him! He's a vile excuse for a man and you deserve so much better.

You don't need this man. Get rid of him as soon as possible.

It sounds as though you need a new start with different, more salubrious, company all round. Most people don't carry on like this and certainly don't boast about raping someone!

Well I would suggest a lot of people don’t think he’s a nice man. They probably humour him in front of you because you are a decent person.
You are already alone. This man brings nothing to your life. He’s not stepping up
as a father or as a partner?
Do you have family support because you need to get him out of that house.
Personally, I feel this verbal assault on you is just as bad as the rape. The rape was absolutely horrendous however it will have been by a man who pretends he’s a decent soul to get women trust him and then rapes them in the most degrading manner. He will have raped before you and after you. He is a piece of shit.
But the man you live with is in your home, with your children. He is father to your child. He is degrading the body which delivered that child safely into this world. That’s a sacred bond which should be protected by trust.
Any man who knowingly uses rape information as a way of carrying out abuse to me is also a potential rapist.
They hate women. They are only useful in that they provide labour and sex.
You are not the little woman here dependent on this man.
Pack him back to his mummy.