Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

He hasn't told you anything about yourself; there's nothing about your life or who you are that he knows about better than you. You don't need to justify or "vindicate" anything; you need to get rid of this misogynist loser.

@amigoingmadd I've read a lot on Mumsnet over the years but I think your partner is quite the cruellest man I have heard about. He has shown you who he is, and how he is quite happy to attack you like he did. Please, for the love of everything, do not back down and get him out of your house. That was a relationship ending thing he did, and I mean scorched earth, see you in Court for contact arrangements kind of terrible.

The moment to end it was the first time he called you a slag.
But today is the second best opportunity.

I realise you have a life and a child and it's easy for strangers to say, but this man is horrible and cruel. He needs to get out of your home today and you need to never speak to him again, other than to make childcare arrangements - and do that through an app or something.

His behaviour is abhorrent. No amount of apology or promises to change will change a broken, emotionally incontinent, angry little man like this.

My love i believe you all the way.
This man is utterly, utterly nasty and has a clear problem with women. How can he be awkward regarding your relationship with his friend prior to your relationship!? He continued a bloody partnership with you!
I honestly think men spend a lot of time masking what they truly feel, then it all comes out leaving a trail of destruction and heartache.
Women's Aid for advice and legal/rights/emotional matters.
Keep talking to the lovely folks on here, we will get you through.
If my DH behaved like this I'd drop kick him out of the front door.

This is probably one of the worst posts I have ever read on Mumsnet - and I have been here over 20 years

Am in tears at your situation - cannot imagine how this feels; such a massive betrayal

Tell him he is not coming back to your house
Arrange to have the locks changed
Pack his stuff and leave it out

There is absolutely no coming back from this. He is vicious, cruel, mean and does not deserve to be anywhere near you
Nor can you have someone who thinks this way anywhere near your kids

If you have people who love you that you can confide in, tell them the truth (I told 1 friend, 1 work colleague and no one else, but that was enough)

For others, a short explanation is fine - he did and said things that made you feel hated, hurt, not trusted, unsafe, and so sick to your stomach that you cannot possibly be with him

I am so sorry you are going through this

Oh OP, sending you so much love.

What a cruel, spiteful, insidious thing to say. All because he said he would go out with you but was hungover (despite not having a job he managed to find money for alcohol) and didn't want to.

This is one of the worst things I have read, DARVO in the extreme. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, saying you wanted it. If anything happened to your daughter he would have the same level of sympathy. He then gaslit you when you told him to stay at his mothers.

Pack his bags, leave them outside, put the key in the door and text him to pick up his things and stay away. He is a vile man and the relationship is clearly over. Yes he is your daughters dad, but he has no job and the house is not his and he clearly hates you (nothing you did or experienced caused this, he is a hateful liar).

What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself?

He hasn't given you any information about yourself. What he's done is throw at you every nasty cruel misogynistic thing he can invent in his head. He hates women (and so do his horrible friends) - you just happen to be a woman, ergo he hates you.

Please please please don't take any of what he said as being anything at all about you. Don't take it to heart. Don't believe it. Because it's not true.

I repeat, he has given you no information about you. What he said was the product of a sick and twisted mind.

The rape happened while I was with my partner. I think that’s why he hates me so much (I keep being told I shouldn’t have let it happen) I’ve been with him for about 10 years. Well it’s just over 11 years

I don't think this is the issue to be honest - and actually I think he just said it to hurt you. The real issue is that he wants to hurt you. Just leave. Neither of you appear to be happy so just stop throwing away your own life for him. You deserve to be happy.

What a horrific excuse of a man. He’s told you everything about himself that he needs to, this is cut and dried LTB territory.

He’s shown how verbally abusive he can be I’d be worried about the possibility of physical abuse.

I hope you’ve taken on board previous advice to get locks changed today. And ring the non emergency line and inform the police you’ve ended a relationship and have reason to believe he does not accept the relationship has ended and will be abusive so you may need to ring for on-site support and ask whether it would be possible for police to be present whilst he removes his belongings as you don’t feel safe.

💐 sadly far too many women know how it feels to be raped and fear further trauma from the reactions of those close to us if we tell them. He’s chosen to re traumatise you in the most abusive way he could think of. It is not up to you to find the words to convince him, it was up to him to believe you and prove he was a compassionate and trustworthy partner and he has failed

You absolutly do not need to 'vindicate' yourself to this man. Or anyone.

You have been through a horrific experience. Unimaginable. You were not responsible.

You are not married to this horrible person plus you own the house. That is such a great starting point for your new life.

You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Leave. He has shown you who he is. His vile thinking and his actions are unforgivable.

Think about someone treating your child or a friend the way he has spoken and treated you - what would you advise ?

Let him say what he wants when you ditch him. He is banking on you not exposing his vile behaviour. If you felt strong enough I would... But if you don't and that is OK you know the truth yourself. Vile people will always expose themselves and their behaviour in the end.

You can live a great life without him. You have come through such an ordeal already. You are so strong already. You can do this. Onwards.

This man has a deeply warped idea about relationships. He sounds incredibly unpleasant. Please get support to leave him and give yourself and your child the life they deserve.

he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’.

Re-think faster!

And you are making a big deal because it is a huge deal. How dare he try and minimise his behaviour? Rather than reflect and apologise?

But honestly OP, this is unforgiveable. He is an abusive misogynist who has no respect for you - or any women, it seems. Really abusive to say those things to you.

It must be a terrible shock for you - thank god its your house and you are not married.

I wouldn't let him in if he returns. But a few bags of clothes his toiletries and charger and tell him to go to his Mum's.

What sort of person HATES someone for being raped? What kind of evil, twisted, vile man would take that attitude with the woman he's supposed to love.

The abusive kind.

The kind with nothing but contempt for women.

There's absolutely no point in trying to work out why he blames you, or in trying to reason with him. He blames you because he wants to. Because he gets a kick out of causing you pain. He chooses to stick the emotional knife into the most painful place possible, and he does it knowingly, and for his own enjoyment.

I can’t thank everyone enough for all the support. I AM going to reread the whole thread and it’s going to help me to get him out.
He’s here now. I hope that doesn’t anger anyone. It’s not that I’m disregarding the advice to take immediate action. I’m just quite numb atm
He’s being very blasé, has said I hear what I want to hear and rolling his eyes. He’s made a rape joke (quipped ‘surprise sex!’ at hearing the word ‘surprise’ and started laughing). He doesn’t give one shit. I told him I posted on the internet so I can see proof with my own eyes that I wasn’t overreacting to feel so upset and he laughed at that as well.

He actively blames you for being raped. He needs to leave. Get the locks changed and don't let him back in.

My advice is not to engage in any back and forth - his values won't change and you don't have to justify why you want him gone anyway.

Everything you say will provoke him to say something worse. That's how abusive men / DARVO works.

ETA and that's exactly what I see he is doing.

Have you got a sibling or friend who can come? You really need him out of the house.

Can you be deadly calm and say 'I have heard what you have to say and am now asking you to leave this house within the next hour'

Any arguments etc. 'we've had this conversation - no discussion needed. I have made my decision' On repeat

But it would be good if a friend can come....

There isn't any point in arguing with him.

Its very empowering to realise you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to.

This is what I’m thinking now. I need to disengage with this conversation with him now. He will think it’s blown over and that I’ve been put in my place. I’ll never ever forget it or get over it though and it’s going to be over in the very near future.

Don't bother engaging with him on this. you will never get the answers or the support you want. he will only insult and abuse, or mock you. GET RID. Calmly tell him the relationship is over (no need to explain why or debate) and he needs to leave immediately and move in with his mother. It is your place. If he threatens you, you can call the police. if he is out, simply change the locks and bag up stuff. Good luck. Things will get better. You absolutely do not deserve any of this or anything that has happened to you. Please get some counselling and support too.

It doesn't matter why, the fact he's doing these things are what you should pay attention to.
Am sorry OP, your partner sounds vile. Am sure you have good days but he is showing that he has no respect for you and your situation and at this point, he is showing that he doesn't even like you.

Do the thing that he's not doing - like yourself enough to get away from him. You deserve so much better. Stay strong.

He sounds a prince!

Get him out of there OP. You are not safe with a man who can laugh at rape - let alone at his own partners’ expense. He needs to pack his bags and go - and you need to call the police if necessary to escort him out.

End it today. Call the police if you’re worried he’ll be violent. And get the locks changed.

Very much easier said than done, but I would advise you to completely check out mentally.

I'm not one of those MN posters who is going to be shocked that you haven't managed to end a 10 year relationship in a few hours. You must be in absolute turmoil and reeling from the shock of the blow he's deliberately dealt you.

You don't need to talk to him or listen to him or try to justify yourself to him. You know he's shattered your relationship for good, you no longer need to give a shit about anything he says, thinks or feels.